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#406672 - 08/13/12 12:19 PM I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts.
bnyc Offline

Registered: 06/15/12
Posts: 13
Loc: New York, NY
Hey All,
I hate to be negative, but I just have to say it.

I am so F*ing sick of suicidal thoughts.

I have never attempted suicide and I am not going to harm myself now.

However, since I was a child I have had this voice in my head that says, "you really should just kill yourself" or "haven't you had enough yet? Just do it". These are typically my first thoughts in the morning. I also have them when I make a mistake, things don't go my way, and with extreme intensity when romantic relationships do not work out.

I now know that these thoughts are a direct result of the incest that occurred when I was a child. What I actually want is to have sympathy for, love and take care of the child this happened to, not kill the adult that child has grown into.

It is not a logical thought process and I hate it!

I am hoping that with a better understanding of what happened to me, the information I have about CSA recovery, and the treatment I had for PTSD these ideations will pass. I did get a 10 day break from these thoughts during my PTSD treatment which gave me hope, but I was crushed when the depression and thoughts returned.

Again I am not going to harm myself, I have survived this long with these thoughts without any suicide attempts. However, I am glad there is a place I can vent my frustrations and talk about the fact that the thoughts are there.

If anyone thinks they may actually harm themselves please call a suicide hotline like this one: 1-800-784-2433 immediately.

#406682 - 08/13/12 01:16 PM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: bnyc]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England

I attempted suicide 2 years ago. Glad I survived, but its taken me till now to finally deal with my abuse and all the wreckage that followed. I know the voices you describe and here's how I deal with them. Now I picture the ghost of my abuser following me and I get my hands around his throat and choke him to death. Better him than me.
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

#406685 - 08/13/12 01:47 PM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: Jude]
bnyc Offline

Registered: 06/15/12
Posts: 13
Loc: New York, NY
I just tried it and it is surprisingly effective. Thank you!

#406691 - 08/13/12 03:40 PM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: bnyc]
Casmir213 Offline

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA

I don't blame you for wanting to be rid of suicidal thoughts. When I had them with frequency I used to view them as a very dangerous symptom of depression. And they are just that. But they also are "just a symptom of depression", and because I could do something about becoming less depressed that meant that I could do something about the symptom of suicide ideation. This is what gave me hope. Depression has to be fought against in everyway imaginal. Anyway you can build hope and a positive mood is the way out of depression, and therefore, the way to get rid of suicidal thoughts. I know yours have been with you for quite awhile, so it must seem like they are just a natural part of life in some sense. But they aren't natural. You have to view them as something to be rid of, and it seems to me that you are at that point now. I don't think there's anything negative about wanting to be rid of suicidal thoughts. I think that being sick of them is the first step to getting rid of them.
Try to find something you enjoy, that makes you feel good, or something that gives you a sense of accomplishment (exercise, reading, doing chores, etc.), and, even though you may not feel like doing it, give it a try. And then see how this affects the thoughts of suicide. If they stop for awhile then you've discovered a way to lessen them.

But don't forget, suicidal thoughts have a function for a depressed person. They temporarily alleviate intense emotional pain because they are an escape from dealing with life and the pain, a way out of both. This is probably why this symptom comes along with the other emotionally painful symptoms of depression. It's terrifying that out minds would do this to us, but it happens because there is something rewarding about thinking these thoughts.

I hope this helps in some way,

I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

#406693 - 08/13/12 05:01 PM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: bnyc]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1782
I never truly had thoughts of suicide, but throughout life would pray to die in my sleep. I could never to it to myself--but if I was taken in my sleep or at the hands of someone else or an accident it would have been ok--the pain and hurt would have been gone. As I heal, the thoughts are subsiding and I value my life more today than ever.

Bnyc, you need to address these thoughts and learn you are valuable. I am glad you do not believe you will harm yourself. But please seek help and address these thoughts--and once you accept the abuse and who you are--the thoughts should subside. Because we all have down days--I had little sleep for days, thoughts of the abuse keep running through my head, I fight it with affirmations, but the thoughts keep me awake. So i know there are bad periods but I am learning I am good and so are you

Take care of yourself.

Edited by KMCINVA (08/13/12 05:16 PM)

#406695 - 08/13/12 05:16 PM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: bnyc]
scottyg Offline

Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
Originally Posted By: bnyc
Hey All,
I hate to be negative, but I just have to say it.

I am so F*ing sick of suicidal thoughts.

It is not a logical thought process and I hate it

Let me hit you with some logic: The brain likes patterns, be they good or bad. We form patterns of speech, patterns of behavior, patterns of thought. Even patterns of suicidal thought.

Recognize it for what it is: an entrenched pattern. You're ready to move on but you haven't re-organized your thoughts enough yet to defeat the pattern. It will come one day but be aware, we cannot control our thoughts. Only our actions and emotional responses. So you can change for the better but that does not mean your brain will cease to surprise you with self-destructive thoughts. Healing doeas not mean those go away forever. Healing means we learn to deal with them in positive and healthy ways.

One more thought about thoughts. When I was afraid of certain thoughts (in my case I welcomed thoughts of death but I was pre-occupied by thoughts that I would abuse others) these fears themselves became like a boogey men for me. I would freak out if I had a thought about a small child I saw, accuse myself of secretly wanting to abuse. I got so worked up about the fact that I was having those thoughts that it seemed to reinforce them and add to their frequency. So I changed up my approach with therapy. I realized "automatic thoughts" will happen. It is what it is. Don't react just ignore it and move on. Know what? I stopped having those thought once I stopped freaking out about them. Weird hunh?
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

#406696 - 08/13/12 05:18 PM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: bnyc]
seikei Offline

Registered: 08/06/12
Posts: 94
I don't want seem like a tool here, but something I heard Dr.Phil say the other day really put the futile nature of suicide into perspective for me. He said something to the effect of when you commit suicide all the pain and sense of failure that you feel within yourself gets transferred over to your loved ones. In an essence, suicide will only cause more hurt.

#406771 - 08/14/12 04:56 AM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: scottyg]

Registered: 08/05/12
Posts: 14
You have just described exactly what I am goin through right now can this get better because I was thinking that the only way to deal with this was suicide. It has got worse since I started to focus on this element of my life and the cast my back to the abuse I suffered. Did you find this scotty?

#406772 - 08/14/12 05:23 AM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: bnyc]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3512
Loc: somewhere in Africa
UK -

it always gets worse before it gets better. But it DOES get better, if you keep working at it. that happened to me, too - and i thought i would have been better off to have "let sleeping dogs lie." it's like opening Pandora's box and all the nasty creepy-crawlies come rushing out. suddenly you have to face them - all the bad memories start to surface as well as emotions that you haven't felt in years. and you have to deal with them and it is scary and exhausting and painful. but eventually they start to lose their power and you get stronger.

ask questions, get help, find support. we can all help each other.

hang in there - and you'll make it.
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago

#406774 - 08/14/12 06:20 AM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: traveler]

Registered: 08/05/12
Posts: 14
Thank you Lee for your kind words.

Edited by UKHEALING (08/14/12 06:20 AM)

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