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#406911 - 08/15/12 02:29 PM Re: Advice about friendship please [Re: theIrregular]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1438
Loc: California
Hey dude,
You certainly haven't let me down, and I'm pretty damn sure no one else here thinks you let them down. I won't judge you because you're just like me. I can think very similar harsh things about myself, but I won't think that about you. That would just be unkind and judgmental.

It's an interesting world we live in, isn't it? We hate ourselves for some of the very same qualities that we find endearing in others.

Madness.

D

Originally Posted By: theIrregular


But, I feel like I've let you all down. I don't regret the decision because I just felt a whole lot lighter afterwards (like I don't have fulfill obligations to anyone but myself). But then again, I do feel guilty because I'm sure most of our brethren here on MS would kill for such an opportunity (to meet such understanding people in person)..and here I am squandering it away because I'm too scared.



Edited by Magellan (08/15/12 02:31 PM)
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#406933 - 08/15/12 06:46 PM Re: Advice about friendship please [Re: theIrregular]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 170
Loc: Ohio
Originally Posted By: theIrregular
What are the chances! I do something I never did before in my life - stop for strangers at midnight, that too women. And one of them and I share similar scars. I'm almost tempted to say things happen for a reason - but then again, if I were to believe that, then I would also have to believe that I was abused for a reason..and that simply will not do.


I keep running into CSA victims, my first lover was abused by his adoptive father, and now I've met someone online (which I NEVER talk to people online) who I just found out not only was abused by her father, but she lives RIGHT next to where my cousin lived, and she actually knew him. This past year has been like this, it's like I'm meeting people that I'm supposed to meet. It's almost dreamlike, like my subconscious is playing out in reality, it's wierd... I am the kind of person who wants to believe things happen for a reason, but like you said, I'd have to accept that I was abused for a reason. The way I see that is, maybe I went through what I went through so I could help others that went through similar things. Maybe I'm supposed to help others, and I needed to experience what I did so I could be understanding and empathetic, so maybe I can help them better. I've been a huge help to this girl I met, she had insomnia for years and she's able to sleep now without nightmares to boot. My goal in life is to leave this world a better place than I entered it. And if I have to go through hell in order to help others out of it, then that's what I'll do.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#406962 - 08/15/12 11:26 PM Re: Advice about friendship please [Re: dark empathy]
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Thanks, Luke. I get really self-conscious when talking to people. I've got the habit of evaluating myself when I'm with people and hence the poor conversational skills. But, like you say, hopefully this will disappear with practice or when I'm with the right person.
_________________________
theIrregular

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#406964 - 08/15/12 11:41 PM Re: Advice about friendship please [Re: DannyT]
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Thanks, DannyT. Even though, I kept referring to myself as a survivor, I didn't get any strength from it, until now.

In my mind, a 'survivor' used to be 'someone who ALMOST doesn't make it through the ordeal, but makes it out with scars and bruises' -- in my case, I did survive but made a lot of mistakes and picked up a few bad habits along the way. I used to prefer the term 'thriver' for inspiration(I think someone else might have also suggested this in one of the forums)--but I think that's just perfectionistic talk.

I now see that being a survivor isn't so bad. Sometimes, the best thing one can do is to use any tool necessary to get through the stormy night..and that was it, I was just trying to survive the night. Thanks, for making me look at this word (and identity) in a new light.
_________________________
theIrregular

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#406965 - 08/15/12 11:48 PM Re: Advice about friendship please [Re: theIrregular]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1355
Hi TheIrregular,

Please do not feel like you let anyone down. You most certainly have not.

Just because you did not go through with meeting these women this time does not mean there will not be future opportunities to meet with them, individually or together.

The act of calling them to cancel was also brave. It took you out of your comfort zone to speak to them.

I think you were putting too much pressure on yourself to believe you had to fulfill their expectations. I do not know they had any, except to spend some time speaking to a nice guy who understood their pain.

This was not an opportunity "squandered." It was a learning experience; the first of many to come.

In time you will accept yourself more and you will be able to take the step to sit and spend time with people. There is no rush or pressure to do this. Everything must be done at a pace that is comfortable to you.





Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#406966 - 08/15/12 11:54 PM Re: Advice about friendship please [Re: chambers]
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Thanks, chambers.

I wouldn't have disclosed to them if they hadn't opened up to me first. Lately, I have been seeking authenticity and dealing with the ever so common thought pattern that torments many of us: 'how can they like if they don't know the real me'. I just wanted to lay out all the cards on the table so that if they wanted to turn away, they could do that before I invest my trust and energy (I guess this isn't exactly how one should embracing vulnerability and the unknown - but I'm ok with it)
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theIrregular

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#406969 - 08/16/12 12:12 AM Re: Advice about friendship please [Re: Magellan]
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Thanks, Magellan.

"Trust yourself; take risks with others". Because some people are bound to break your trust, you always have someone(yourself) to turn to when they do. I love it. Sounds like a healthy dose of self-acceptance and self-trust to me, which are hard to develop.

I've just been watching a TV show (Californication) whose main character(Hank Moody) is immature, depressed and promiscuous among other things and his life is a wreck. Not once did I see him getting down on himself for the state of his affairs. He knows what he is and he is absolutely fine with it. He's got a 'what you see if what you get' kind of a thing going for him.

I think we'll all be a helluva lot happier if we could get to that point with our past selves.
_________________________
theIrregular

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#406973 - 08/16/12 12:46 AM Re: Advice about friendship please [Re: Anomalous]
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Thanks, Anomalous, for such a great post.

I don't think I have the qualities that they are looking for. May be that's just the shame talking. But what if it isn't? What if 'being kind' is just another mask I have grown to wear in order to get others to like me? And when I get so close to them that I don't have to pretend any more, what if I hurt them? I will never harm them intentionally, of course. Never physically or sexually, but what if they are hurt emotionally by what's underneath. I myself, don't know what's left after peeling things away.

I still don't know if I can do this and I'm still afraid. I know I have to just stop thinking so much and start taking risks though.
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theIrregular

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#406974 - 08/16/12 01:02 AM Re: Advice about friendship please [Re: Magellan]
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: Magellan

I won't judge you because you're just like me. I can think very similar harsh things about myself, but I won't think that about you. That would just be unkind and judgmental. It's an interesting world we live in, isn't it?

Yea it certainly is. Even after I told one of the women that I wasn't comfortable starting the friendship and that she would probably never hear from me, she texted me saying that she really needed somebody like me who would understand what she's going through. It just struck a chord with me. Part of my fear is that I am afraid she'd judge me. But after receiving her text msg, I am ready to try to look past that fear just to lend an empathic ear. Being there for a fellow survivor seems more important than my fear. So I texted back and we are supposed to meet tomorrow.

I wasn't ready to do it even when it meant I could feel better, but the insecurities seem be taking a back seat when it means it would help someone else feel better. The fear is still there, but I am willing to risk it.
_________________________
theIrregular

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#406975 - 08/16/12 01:16 AM Re: Advice about friendship please [Re: theIrregular]
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Thanks, Lee

There are times I just want to take a risk and there are times I just want to shut everyone out. These moods have picked up a bit since I started recovery.

I'm going to meet one of the women tomorrow (see my reply to Magellan's post above). I just feel like a drama king with all that went on for the past few days. But, it's ok though. I understand that it's been a long time since I've gotten in touch with some of those emotions and it's going to take a while before I stop being so reactive to my moods.
_________________________
theIrregular

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