For a lot of reasons I can't post on a public board at the moment, it's been an exhausting week I'd qualify as two steps forward, one step back. However, I can mention that, two weeks after contacting them (twice), the county's CSA service has yet to respond...and that thoroughly disgusts me, as if I'm being ignored AGAIN. Found an older intern T who, because of background may be just fine. At least I'm getting help.

Perhaps because of the years of therapy already under my belt on ACoA issues - dealing with CSA is new, but not the tools - I made an interesting observation about the perp and the two institutions who enabled him. And it was powerful for me.

I am their legacy. Their human legacy. I am the shameful legacy of the perp. I am the shameful legacy of the administrators who turned a blind eye to the abuse. But the shame is not mine. It's theirs. It's the shameful legacy the perp and the adminstrators left to their respective institutions. It's the shameful legacy these people left for those who now are in charge, who are left to clean it up, and who must choose how to address the shame.

Having had my own suicide attempts, I want to include a note of hope to which perhaps some can relate in a moment of crisis. I'm not in crisis nor have I been in years, but this thought sometimes gives me just enough spark to make it through rougher days...and I've had a couple this week:

I'm alive. I'm not hiding in shame. There's not much of anything these people can do to hurt me that hasn't already been done. They certainly cannot and will not silence my voice. If that helps one other person, I've fulfilled my purpose.

You are in the middle of difficult battle Lancer, must be hard sometimes, hang on dear survivor!
My hat is off to you, your courage and shown strength.
Thank you for bringing us your story and your fight, it is inspiring with very powerful message.
Be patient I'm sure you'll succeed completely in your mission.
You are not alone!
Pero

Hi Lancer,

I am sorry to hear you are having such a difficult week. But it is good to hear you say that the shame of what was done to you belongs to those who harmed and failed you, and that it is not yours.

The lack of response from those who are supposed to help is distressing. Perhaps this list of resources will be of some use.

If you have contacted that particular resource by email, you may want to follow up with a phone call. If your contact with them was by phone, then a big "shame on them!!" I would continue calling them until you get an answer. A call to the supervisor may be necessary to let it be known that your request for services has gone unanswered.

I look back at that last sentence .... "a call to the supervisor may be necessary.... " Actually, it should NOT be "necessary." One should not have to fight so hard to be heard by the professionals who are supposed to help. But reality does not always follow how things should be.

You are a strong and resillient individual. I know you will persevere and succeed.




Anomalous

Your words reflect your strength, brother. You're more than simply someone else's legacy. You are your own man and brave enough to stand against those things in your life that are trying to pull you under, and your courage inspires those of us who need itvmost. Thank you, and may you soon prevail.

Thanks for the words, guys, because I know your souls are behind them.

I want to clarify an impression I had on a later read of the original post, lest it sound like I went Joan of Arc. I am not a matyr. But I've been angry and upset about some of the patronizing, superficial responses I've received, public sector and private, from people who should know better. At least the experiences give me a clear indication of who's truly on my side - or not - and where I should concentrate my energies.

UNLIKE some of the people with whom I've been in contact about the CSA, you words actually mean something!

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