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#406346 - 08/10/12 12:50 AM Managing anger
Thulas Offline

Registered: 07/13/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Tips please!!! No longer want to take my hubby's acting out personal...Thats one hurdle my T cant or has so far failed to help me with... anyone who has mastered this? ideas, tips, suggestions please.
If you want to accomplish the goals of your life, you have to begin with the spirit.

Surround yourself only with people who are going to lift you higher.

#406350 - 08/10/12 02:00 AM Re: Managing anger [Re: Thulas]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
The way we treat others is always a reflection of the way we feel about ourselves.
So simple yet so hard to remember. I get angry at times too. But IMHO when someone has been abused and hasn't healed that abuse, they continue to abuse themselves and those around them. At least that is what I have seen, and that is what I did to everyone who loved me. Before 7 years of therapy I would breath fire down on anyone who pushed to get close or try to understand. I wore my fear like a security blanket. And now I'm watching my husband do the same thing.
I would suggest getting a good book about male CSA. Knowledge is power. I am currently reading victims no longer, and find it fascinating, as well as sad because I see my husband in it's pages.
Realize that you are being attacked by his abuse and not the man you fell in love with. Do what you need to do to feel treasured, and don't feel guilty about it. We are all in charge of our own happiness. I'm glad that you have a therapist. I hope I get one soon too.
Strap in, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
Everything comes from within

#406371 - 08/10/12 09:25 AM Re: Managing anger [Re: Thulas]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Thulas - it's totally mind over matter on this one. One thing that helped me was to read the Four Agreement by Ruiz. One of them is that we can NEVER take anything personally. That one person's behavior is only a reflection of their journey, turmoil, process.

This is hard in my case because my husband has acknowledged that he cheated to punish me (I don't even know if that is really true) - but I have been able to separate myself from him psychologically and see that his actions and decisions are exactly what HD001 says, HIS.

#406513 - 08/11/12 10:06 PM Re: Managing anger [Re: Thulas]
scottyg Offline

Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
yep this is all solid advice and I can only add one more concept.

When I was in denial about the rippling effects of my abuse on others I was acting almost like a puppet of my abuse.

My emotional maturity was stunted to that of a boy. I was impulsive, prone to tantrums, unable and unwilling to connect actions with consequences. I had neither the capacity nor the desire to engage with my wife as an emotional peer. Any argument we had I wanted to drag as far down into the mud as I could. If we both got hot-headed and ugly then we could both be wrong. Emotional over-reactions were the great equalizer so I cultivated those. There's nothing more disheartening for a devious little boy than somebody who retains their emotional composure and moral authority. He may even be forced to admit that he is in the wrong.

I hated myself for my failures and I wanted to punish my family for having the idiotic idea of sticking with me. I deserved to be miserable. That's all I'd ever know. So there is a tremendous amount of lashing out simply to distance oneself from the healthy supporters who offer a solution to that old familiar dispair. It's part of our distorted thinking. Bad is good and good needs to be punished.

So with these insights go forward knowing the grown man before you may in fact be much more like a very pained and confused little boy on the inside. He does not have the coping skills, has not caught up to you emotionally. Treat his outbursts like you might consider an enraged child during a tantrum. Endure, move through, level the consequences that you must. But like a child you must also nurture, forive and accept him so he can grow to become healthy one day. I did.
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.


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