yep this is all solid advice and I can only add one more concept.
When I was in denial about the rippling effects of my abuse on others I was acting almost like a puppet of my abuse.
My emotional maturity was stunted to that of a boy. I was impulsive, prone to tantrums, unable and unwilling to connect actions with consequences. I had neither the capacity nor the desire to engage with my wife as an emotional peer. Any argument we had I wanted to drag as far down into the mud as I could. If we both got hot-headed and ugly then we could both be wrong. Emotional over-reactions were the great equalizer so I cultivated those. There's nothing more disheartening for a devious little boy than somebody who retains their emotional composure and moral authority. He may even be forced to admit that he is in the wrong.
I hated myself for my failures and I wanted to punish my family for having the idiotic idea of sticking with me. I deserved to be miserable. That's all I'd ever know. So there is a tremendous amount of lashing out simply to distance oneself from the healthy supporters who offer a solution to that old familiar dispair. It's part of our distorted thinking. Bad is good and good needs to be punished.
So with these insights go forward knowing the grown man before you may in fact be much more like a very pained and confused little boy on the inside. He does not have the coping skills, has not caught up to you emotionally. Treat his outbursts like you might consider an enraged child during a tantrum. Endure, move through, level the consequences that you must. But like a child you must also nurture, forive and accept him so he can grow to become healthy one day. I did.
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.