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#405503 - 08/01/12 09:36 AM How I got to this place in my life......you?
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357

I don't know where I read this but it is about trauma reenactment....my husband reenacts hiss trauma sexually amoungst other ways. here is how I reenact mine.......Ugh. I hate (and love) when it becomes so clear. I actually for one second made a connection in my mind like this years before I met my husband. A fleeting thought when married to my ex husband. Sure wish I would have taken that fleeting thought to a therapist right then which may have saved me from the pain I am in now.

An individual may also seek out a person who is like a past abuser and reenact a past traumatic relationship out of a need to change the other person in order to feel better about herself. For example, a woman who was abused by her father and who blamed herself for this found herself in a relationship with an abusive man. The woman's unconscious attraction to this person was rooted in a desire to get him to treat her well, which, if successful, would have ameliorated her feelings of self-blame and badness. She never succeeded, however, and a reenactment occurred. Although her effort was an attempt to master an earlier conflict, it was a maladaptive one: she continued to be involved in a destructive relationship where her needs were never met.

Can anyone else relate to this? Explains why when reading "Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes I get very pissed off.

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#405504 - 08/01/12 09:39 AM Re: How I got to this place in my life......you? [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
The woman's unconscious attraction to this person.....

That sentence is me and only now it not unconcious, is more than a fleeting thought, and is something that is in the forefront of my awareness.

How to change that? Working on it.

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#405507 - 08/01/12 10:04 AM Re: How I got to this place in my life......you? [Re: lucylives]
Haps Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
Wowwy wow wow wow!

For me, this is about getting the approval I never got as a youngin'.

The message I keep trying to send my partner is "I don't feel special. I don't feel like I matter to you." He stares at me.

Al-Anon has helped me to feel special about myself, yet there's still that desire for human connection.

Wow... More to come from me on this front I'm sure. smile

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#405512 - 08/01/12 11:11 AM Re: How I got to this place in my life......you? [Re: lucylives]
Haps Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
What about "control" from the survivors perspective?

One of the games we play involve his shutting down after i (often poorly) asked for a need to be met as a means by which (I believe) to exercise power. I used to panic during this time and the craziness started. Then, he clearly had something to point to (my behavior) as a concrete means by which to justify his position to himself and others (victim of control).

Thoughts?

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#405637 - 08/02/12 02:49 PM Re: How I got to this place in my life......you? [Re: lucylives]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 675
Loc: NJ
This is the basis of Hendrick's Getting the Love you Want - the whole IMAGO theory.

I married my mother. I intentionally (albeit unconsciously) recreated the deficiencies and pain of my childhood in my marriage - just so I could fix as an adult what I couldn't fix as a child.

I'm the oldest child of a martyr, victim, codependent woman who was abused by her father. I was raised to be utilitarian. I was raised to do. She didn't need a stick, she used a carrot - her love. If I did what she needed, she would love me. Hmmm, I'm 40 and she still doesn't love me. Although I have financially and emotionally supported her since the death of my rather 30 years ago, no love for me. Love for my siblings - the troublemakers, the rebels, the indifferent. They run, she chases. Me? She takes me for granted.

OH MY GOD - did I just summarize my marriage at the same time? YUP

So, how do I solve this childhood issue that has been so closely recreated in my marriage? I STOP GIVING TO GET LOVE. I stop saying YES when inside I scream NO.

I think all we need to do is dig - and we will see the patterns repeat - repetition compulsion - Freud said it best.

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#405947 - 08/05/12 11:26 PM Re: How I got to this place in my life......you? [Re: lucylives]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
I keep wanting to add to this great thread, but the concept is so overwhelming to me that I almost can't bear it. I'll make an effort.

I'm ashamed to say I've had two failed marriages.

First marriage: I married my Mom who ignored me, locked me in the basement or in the backyard out of her hair, seethed discomfort when I locked horns with my father instead of stifling to "keep the peace". #1 wasn't demonstrative, never said "I love you", never held hands, put his arm around me or stole a kiss out of the blue. He ignored me. FAIL.

Second marriage: I married my Dad who was quick-tempered, self-centered, insensitive to his children (told us if he ever had to choose us kids over our mom, he'd choose her, which created in me a horrible fear of the house burning down in the middle of the night as I knew he'd get my Mom out, but I'd be responsible for getting my siblings and myself out), a pig who shared the dirty office jokes at the dinner table and then called me a prude when I objected to hearing them, etc. #2 was hateful and insulting to my three children, but really singled out two of them especially. He could scream at me and have my stomach in knots on the drive to church and then hold my hand, smile and look at me adoringly during Mass, then turn back to Satan on the parking lot. FAIL.

My husband, the one I'll be buried next to one day, is a mix of both of my parents, but he's a bit more like my Mom. And I have no idea how to NOT recreate childhood patterns where I am insignifact, in the way, ignored, minimized, belittled, not worthy of respect, affection, protection, nurturing, loyalty or love because I wasn't able to avoid it in this marriage either. The only difference is I haven't fled the marriage. But that doesn't mean I don't feel doomed to be left behind in a burning house.

Yup. Broken!
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#405948 - 08/05/12 11:40 PM Re: How I got to this place in my life......you? [Re: lucylives]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 675
Loc: NJ
Noooo! Imago says if we stay past the realization of the recreation and actually work together to resolve it, we create a mature and real relationship. The sublime if you will. This is why not to quit if both people are working. Because we can leave, but if we haven't resolved our childhood wound, we just go find someone else to recreate it for us.

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#405950 - 08/06/12 12:40 AM Re: How I got to this place in my life......you? [Re: lucylives]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Quote:
Noooo! Imago says if we stay past the realization of the recreation and actually work together to resolve it, we create a mature and real relationship. The sublime if you will. This is why not to quit if both people are working. Because we can leave, but if we haven't resolved our childhood wound, we just go find someone else to recreate it for us.


Then I feel hopeful, because we are NOT quitting because we ARE working on all of this. Well, sort of. We've been so focused on his recovery and just plain old clinging to what's left of life that I, like the rest of my band of merry spouses, have been holding onto the side of the cliff. But I remain too deep in grieving, fear and anger. After all this time, I feel I should be further ahead than I am.

My beloved is stable and stronger now, and our marriage is a priority for us both, so it's time for me to work through my own effed up stuff so I can match the growth my beloved has accomplish and further shore up our marriage.

I have my first appointment with my very own therapist scheduled for the end of the month. I know there will never be a guarentee that my husband's addictive behaviors won't resurface some unlucky day. But if I can at least learn of and conquer the unconscious knee-jerk reactions I have from my own woundedness, it might not kill me. I might be strong enough to...survive it.

Thank you for sharing this, Esposa! Great, great post, Lucy!

Sending you a high five! smile
herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#405989 - 08/06/12 10:04 AM Re: How I got to this place in my life......you? [Re: lucylives]
Haps Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
Waaaiiit.... Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!? Everyone thinks I'm nuts trying to fight this. I should just leave, they say. Trust me, I get it, but a mature and honest relationship has hinges of this work in it one way or the other?

I know my own work quite clearly. But, he's not there. He's not working, and he's clearly not interested in a relationship right now.

Nonetheless, I always hoped that I would have someone with whom I could do this kind of work with/around in order to make things stronger in the relationship.

So, I'm NOT nuts in trying to work this thru to break the pattern?? smile

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#406000 - 08/06/12 12:10 PM Re: How I got to this place in my life......you? [Re: lucylives]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 675
Loc: NJ
Haps, read it. GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT - it is so plainly obvious in what he writes. BUT, you have to work through what he calls the "power struggle" phase - and if your current partner is not willing or not able now, you can't create the sublime yourself wink

I felt for months and months that I was somewhat of a masochist, holding myself to the flame. Actually I still sometimes feel that way, but I have changed SO MUCH. I have identified the things in me that attracted me to him, the things in me that need resolution, attention. I could never have gotten there without him and without all of the pain I have experienced in this relationship during the past 5 years.

You are NOT nuts for trying to resolve your own wounds and change your own patterns. Take a look at your mirror. I remember my imago therapist telling me that my husband was my mirror, what was he showing me?

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