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#406280 - 08/09/12 09:04 AM Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens?
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
While I'm sure there are many I'd like to hear from you all the same. I ask since as someone who was abused in my mid-teens sometimes it feels like I don't know where I fit. I wasn't a small child when it happened but I wasn't an adult either so I suppose I'm just seeking guys with experiences similar to my own so that I don't feel so alone.
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we値l change the world.


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#406282 - 08/09/12 09:29 AM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
last time with step-father i was 13.

molestation by a stranger at age 15-16.

more before 13 - that made me a likely target later.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#406286 - 08/09/12 09:43 AM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
"more before 13 - that made me a likely target later."

That happened to me too, at around age 10 with older children. Like you said, my T pointed out that those earlier experiences made me a more likely target in my teens. At first I didn't know what she meant but now I do.
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we値l change the world.


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#406287 - 08/09/12 09:50 AM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
yeah - the step-father conditioned me not to resist or object and so did the bullies at middle school. by the last time with step-father i was about as big as him and i could have put up a pretty good fight if i could have had the will or confidence to. but i couldn't even imagine that. there had been lots of physical and verbal abuse that totally ground me down.

and i think i must have had a sort of whipped puppy look that marked me as an obvious victim. when the stranger started in i just froze and didn't say a word. again - couldn't even picture getting away or doing anything to protest. just let it happen...

lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#406289 - 08/09/12 10:11 AM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
I have asked the same question without much response.
i even asked the question in the adult survivor section and the Mods took it off never to be seen again. smile

it is very confusing to me that while I was 16/17 when the CSA happened to me, I was not yet an adult but not still a child either.

It is kind of like being in limbo at that age. You think that you are an adult but you are not by any means thinking like one and your brain has not developed into what an adult should think like. kind of a messed up place to be isn't it.

I read many things on MS that I can and can't relate to, very confusing at times.

before the CSA, my life wasnt normal by any means but it wasn't a contango of how sex was supposed to be either. sex was simple before the CSA, Fall in love get married just like everyone else does.
After CSA, What was love? Sex? Thats is what the bastards that took advantage of me told me at my defining old age of 16. Sex is love, love is sex. Sex is just that, Sex. Here, have some more money little man, want more, come on back.
So started my life of prostitution and the rest is history.
3 failed marriges, acting out, all the painful thoughts of why and embaressment, the list goes on and on.

JLS, you are not alone friend, not by any means.

PM me if would would like. Blessings
_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#406294 - 08/09/12 11:03 AM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1478
Loc: New England
I was 13 when it happened to me. I know just what you mean about feeling that you dont fit the definitions. I was big enough that i could have said no, run or punched him in the face, so i've always felt that somehow it was my fault. I let it happen. Not to mention the confusion in my developing sexuality. The self hatred has followed me for 42 years and I'm just starting to deal with it.
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#406299 - 08/09/12 11:44 AM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
Afldman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/12/12
Posts: 67
Loc: Pacific Northwest
I can't remember the ages. My life timeline is all screwed up. I also suffer from ADHD, and time is a difficult concept for us. If I had to guess I would say it started about the age of 10/11 and went on for several years, so it must have ended when I was 14/15. But that's just guessing really. I am researching this at present actually. My abuser is somewhat infamous. Even features in a book...so determining when it ended should be easy.
As for effects, I don't know. How much am I screwed up becaus of it, and how much because of the other life experiences leading upto and following? I can't separate them.
_________________________
"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." -Daliai Lama

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#406300 - 08/09/12 11:47 AM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1927
Loc: durham, north england
Wow Dar, what you say about perceptions of s/x changing absolutely somes me up. Back when I was 10 my parents gave me an absolute and complete education on the subject and I just took it in my stride, as a biological fact about getting older like starting shaving or my voice changing.
then when I got to secondary school, everyone started making what were to me stupid jokes and being obsessed, isolation turned to bullying and full on sa throughout the five years I was there, so I usually tend to think my abuse happened betwene 12 and 15.

Oh, and for outside of deffinitions, while s/xual humiliations, physical and verbal abuse was all done by boys, the really serious s/xual stuff happened by gangs of 4 or more girls in public, in what I've started to think of as literal gang rape, so I'm right outside the deffinitions there.

The child/adult thing got even more confused with me, sinse I felt absolutely no connection with anyone my own age at all, indeed when I did a weeks work experience at the age of 14 at the local university, i wanted to stay there forever, sinse not only was it a week when i wasn't being abused, but it was a week when I actually got to talk to people with brains! and interests similar to mine.

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#406326 - 08/09/12 07:16 PM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
JoeUniverseHP Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 72
First at 8 by a 12 year old boy, then at 11-12 by a teacher. Went abroad to school at 16, where the teacher had moved and he got me again at that time. The patterns had by then been engrained in me...I didn't say no.

Now he's in another country.

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#406328 - 08/09/12 08:37 PM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: JoeUniverseHP]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6815
Loc: USA
Yes. I will add details later.

Puffer

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#406335 - 08/09/12 09:58 PM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: dark empathy]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
When it happened to me I was 16 and out on my own, trying to survive on the streets actually, after leaving an emotionally and physically abusive home. I heard somewhere that most boys who've been sexually abused come from a family background that's dysfunctional so this fits. Like you mentioned, as a teenager I thought I was all grown up but I really wasn't. Being in the situation I was in made this perception worse since trying to survive in a very adult world made me have to grow up very fast, but like others have mentioned I wasn't so grown up that I could stop an experienced serial adult predator from abusing me. The thing is he had something that I needed, which was someone to take an interest in me and to protect me, basically what I couldn't get from my dad, which was how he groomed me. By the time the abuse started it was way too late to stop it.
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we値l change the world.


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#406376 - 08/10/12 10:30 AM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
jls, your story mimics mine to a tee. It is like the perps have a "How to" manual of how to abuse a teen.

It is like I am stuck between CSA and ASA, I can and can't relate to both sides. Very confusing at times.
I know that it wasn't my fault but on the other hand I should have known better and ran.

Hummmm, I have not spoken to my T about this and maybe that is why I am stuck in a rut right now as she is treating me for CSA. Maybe I need a comfortable middle to this crap flowing through my head.

I Like your signiture: Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we値l change the world.

It just takes time.

Blessings
_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#406381 - 08/10/12 11:11 AM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 164

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#406382 - 08/10/12 11:12 AM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: Tyr]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 164
W

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#406386 - 08/10/12 11:25 AM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Does to the age of 19 count??
Well it started as a young young boy, cant really remember, but I sometimes feel that I let it continue to the age of 19. It was almost as though I wanted it, as though I needed it. Makes me cry sometimes.

The other day I was talking about it with my T and she said to me "you were severely abused Martin, you endured the most horrible things, you were severely traumatised by it"

For years and years I brushed it off as nothing, what a earth shattering moment for me. WOW
So JLS you are not alone or special, well you are special, but your circumstances were not. YOU ARE ONE OF THE BROTHERHOOD.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#406389 - 08/10/12 12:14 PM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
Ocellaris Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 12
Loc: New York
JLS -- I know how you feel. My abuse started when I was 16. I often have trouble identifying with CSA survivors whose abuse occurred at earlier ages because my story seems to me so much less horrifying. We were older and felt like we were more independent, and so it seems to us almost like we chose to be abused (maybe others don't feel this, but I'm speaking for myself). But I think in many ways we might have more trouble accepting what happened to us. I know I was in denial for years before I finally acknowledged that my experience was not merely an "experience," but rather actual abuse.

I also find that my reluctance to talk about my abuse with people stems from this perception. After all, a 10-year-old who is abused is clearly a victim. A 16-year-old who claims he is abused can easily be painted as something else. I recently had a very close friend who knows my story ask whether the abuse began due to some sexual curiosity on my part. It was an honest question on her part, but I don't think she understands how painful it was. I simply said "no" and changed the topic.

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#406397 - 08/10/12 01:49 PM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: Tyr]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I heard that most sexual abuse of children occurs between the ages of 11 and 17. As such, most statistical data that I've seen counts the sexual abuse of anyone under the age of 18 as child sexual abuse. Most laws recognize this too, although they take into acount that the age of consent may be lower than 18 if a teenaged boy or girl engages in non-exploitative sexual activity with a partner the same or close to the same age.

On that note I've always found it a struggle reconciling the sexual violation I experienced as a teen by a much older adult since unlike with a small child adolescents possess a sense of sexual identity and are more likely to respond to sex in this context, which has made me wonder if I somehow participated in it (even though I hated every minute of it). The flip side is that due to my sexual identity being in development at that age it I believe it was affected in an adverse way that wouldn't be known to younger children. For example, my first orgasm with another person occurred at the hands of my abuser. When I look at it this way I was still very young, much closer to a child than an adult. I had nowhere near the maturity or experience of my perpetrator, which is why he chose me to offend against. Fact is if I was an adult he wouldn't have been interested in me.
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we値l change the world.


Top
#406398 - 08/10/12 01:52 PM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1927
Loc: durham, north england
The problem I tend to find with any csa/asa description, is that there's just no clear cutoff point, afterall throughout history, boys as young as thirteen could be considdered adults and old enough to marry and start a family.

Even when I here about stories like jls' I feel a little guilty, sinse after all my hme life was surprisingly normal and I still have a good relationship with my parents, it was just that I happened to go to a school which was a complete pit!

for me there was no grooming, no emotional connection, just a bunch of board kids making school more fun by playing jokes on that one guy that everybody hatesIt's even hard to say when my abuse started, sinse it was a gradually increasing thing from 12 to 15.

I think of it as sa, sinse the physical violence, constant name calling etc isn't what bothers me, indeed it got to a point where I was glad when people insulted me sinse verbal insults were the least painfull, it was the s/xual humiliation, public exposure etc, always in the context of large crowds of people indeed I don't think there was a single incident that involved less than four people at once.

Yet was I a child? I'd already lost most of my vision, lived away from home. Probably more than that, I was intelligent, much as I don't really want to admit that sinse it feels really arrogant to write it, but it was probably even more a contributing factor in the reasons for my abuse than my visual imparement (the several other vi kids in the school weren't abused at all).

I literally had no friends of my own age, indeed I was far more comfortable with people older than mme.

I was quite aware what was happening during the abuse, indeed it was the fact that I had a "grown up" atitude to s/x, and just viewed it as biology that I think started my isolation sinse I wasn't going to sit there and make stupid jokes about it, or laugh at other people's.

All this being said, I have noticed that while experiences and some feelings can be very different, there are similarities, and I've had great advice from csa survivers in the past, indeed, though I'd imagine my story is pretty unique in some ways, I don't really see that as mattering too much, ---- though I will admit I feel vindicated whenever I hear about someone who was violently abused by a teenaged girl, sinse it seems in society teenaged girls are still! treated as absolutely inocent of any possibility of sa, and though physical violence and certain forms of humiliation happened at the hands of boys, it was what the girls did that I think had the lasting effect on me, ---- indeed on a couple of occasions girls even got me! yelled at by teachers for "touching girls inappropriately" like the occasion i punched a girl in the chest (given where she was at the time it was the easiest area to reach), which needless to say just made me feel disgusting and inclined me even less to try to fight back, ---- indeed I learnt the only thing I could do in those situations was freeze utterly and let my mind go elsewhere until the crowd had finished with me.

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#406399 - 08/10/12 02:03 PM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: dark empathy]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
In the modern world childhood is extended. If the yardstick for being an adult is to be successful and self-sufficient then one could argue childhood ends at age 25 since this is how long it takes to get a university education and begin a career. I jokingly say that you are an adult once you realize how much it sucks to be one but kidding aside your right that in other cultures adulthood starts much earlier. Thing this is though in such places one isn't expected to do everything individually at such a young age. One might be called a man at age 10 after completing some right of passage yet still they are a very junior "man" who can expect support from their elders in the framework of living in an extended family group, and it is expected that they listen to their elders for some years to come. However, as far as actual physical devlopment goes kids are still growing physically and mentally up until the age of 20 or 21. Hell I didn't even start to shave until I was this age. In light of this the fact that young teenagers think they are adults is a sign that they are not.
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we値l change the world.


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#406404 - 08/10/12 02:26 PM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
Metolius Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/12
Posts: 41
Loc: Oregon
Thanks for posting the question.

I was abused both in my childhood and in my teen years.

I was so young when I was abused by my father that there was never any question -- once I recovered those memories -- of how abusive and one-sided it was.

I've had to work through a lot more ambivalence regarding all the abuse that took place in my teen years, and young adult years as well. The main perpetrator in my high school and college years was a priest. In addition, I began cruising for sex anonymously, mostly having sex with men who were at least twice my age; some who were even 3 and 4 times as old as me. It's only in the last 3 years that I've recognized even those encounters were statutory rape.

Abuse is abuse is abuse. There are so many ways we have been taught by our abusers to discount ourselves; so many ways we were isolated and cut off from our peers by them. Regardless the circumstances or age at which we were abused and assaulted, even as adults, I don't see any need for any of us to feel like we don't belong, that our experience or perceptions of our abuse aren't valid. We've been traumatized, we're on the road to healing, and we each have lived with incredible strength and courage as survivors, not only when we've had to courage to speak out but even in all those dark years of isolation and loneliness.

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#406408 - 08/10/12 02:53 PM * [Re: jls]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 11:52 AM)

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#406454 - 08/11/12 05:34 AM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1927
Loc: durham, north england
Well if an adult is someone with their own career, then my brother has only just become an adult at age 33, sinse it took him nearly 10 years and 400 cv's to persuade anyone in the legal profession to give him a training post, --- -but it's not about his visual imparement, ha ha, and another two years to complete it.

Indeed, if career is the deffinition, then I'm pretty much not an adult now at age 29 and probably never will be, sinse though I am just finishing my phd, after which I'll be training as a professional tenor, but whether I'll ever get paid! to do this is doubtfull in the extreme.
On the expected social norms front, I also simply do not want! children, even aside from my genophobia or any considderations of relationships.

In one sense I rather like the fact I can still enjoy computer games, disney films, and pretty much all the things I enjoyed as a child Indeed one deffinition of an adult might be that your an adult when you don't need to assert the fact you are one!

As a teenager, it wasn't that I really considdered myself as an adult, more that my perceptions, interests, thoughts and yes, I am absolutely honest, my interletc, were not what was seen as normal by society for a teenager, and often I really wished I was older just because all the people who had anything like similar interests or thoughts to me were older.

this is why I'm never sure of the csa asa distinction and how to apply it to myself.

there is also I think one more general danger in applying distinctions too rigidly, that of privilaged experience. "I'm an X! I have experiences unique to being an X, and nobody who is not an X can understand!"

For x read any group identity you want, religious, gender, disability, racial, having gone through a certain traumer or have a certain desease etc.

While I have noticed that one of the major strengths of male survivers is a really strong quality of open mindedness. At the same time however, because some experiences are so different, and even more because I know many survivers like myself are enclined by feelings of worthlessness to minimize their own stories in comparison to others, and by those ever present feelings of being alone, I do hope the csa asa distinction won't get carried too far.

Fortunately, one quality which I have! noticed in abundence here is empathy, and so even when a story is vastly different or when feelings are different, people will have enough wisdom to attempt to understand the feelings of others, and can still offer advice born of that empathy rather than their own experiences.

For instance, one of the best peaces of advice I remember receaving here about feelings of worthlessness was from Roger aka freedom49. He'd experienced sa at the hands of his father, which is absolutely different from my story, but still, his advice was hugely valuable.

I therefore myself try to think of any person's experiences as purely individualized to them, with understandable effects, rather than how similar or different they are to mine.

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#406457 - 08/11/12 06:14 AM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
Originally Posted By: Smalltown80sBoy
Don't feel alone. Nobody's alone here, not as long as I'm around.


I LOVE that, Gary!!!

you are great!
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#406498 - 08/11/12 06:15 PM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Hey jls --

Well, put me on your list. Abused by a high school guidance counselor in his office during school hours when I was 15/16 (sophomore). And the reason I was there? Physically, verbally, emotionally abusive home environment in which they'd threatened to have me "sent away" b/c they thought I might be homosexual, an issue the perp used to his advantage. The abuse continued at a summer church camp where he was part of the administration. The story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...3560#Post403560

I've dealt with the home abuse for years via ACoA meetings and therapy. I'm perfectly at ease with my gayness. Have lived for years in a community where it's not an issue and I have the freedom to be exactly who I am. The CSA only came up in its glory with the Sandusky trial and Freeh report on PSU. Bam! Made the connection and here I am. (Wish someone had the decency to yell, "Incoming!"). Sheesh...I'm taking action for myself - including a T for the first time in years - but still reeling in the past month. I really didn't want this sh*t.

The SA stands out from the home abuse because I was desperate for help and felt he was my last hope. He upped it a notch. After that, I simply gave up: grades tanked, quit hobbies, school activities, church, etc. Not only was home not safe or a refuge, neither was school or church.

Personally, I've always considered it CSA, if you want to put a label on it...I was a kid emotionally and, as some pointed out, legally. So, yeah, PM any time you wanna talk.

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#406516 - 08/11/12 10:43 PM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: Lancer]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
As young teenagers many of us considered ourselves to be adults but really we were not. Part of growing up is wanting the power and privileges of adulthood but without any of the experience or understanding of the responsibilities that come with it. Minor teenagers still need alot of care, support and protection as they navigate new paths in the world. For them to go it alone in the world without it is a recipe for abuse.
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we値l change the world.


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