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#406335 - 08/09/12 09:58 PM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: dark empathy]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
When it happened to me I was 16 and out on my own, trying to survive on the streets actually, after leaving an emotionally and physically abusive home. I heard somewhere that most boys who've been sexually abused come from a family background that's dysfunctional so this fits. Like you mentioned, as a teenager I thought I was all grown up but I really wasn't. Being in the situation I was in made this perception worse since trying to survive in a very adult world made me have to grow up very fast, but like others have mentioned I wasn't so grown up that I could stop an experienced serial adult predator from abusing me. The thing is he had something that I needed, which was someone to take an interest in me and to protect me, basically what I couldn't get from my dad, which was how he groomed me. By the time the abuse started it was way too late to stop it.
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#406376 - 08/10/12 10:30 AM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
jls, your story mimics mine to a tee. It is like the perps have a "How to" manual of how to abuse a teen.

It is like I am stuck between CSA and ASA, I can and can't relate to both sides. Very confusing at times.
I know that it wasn't my fault but on the other hand I should have known better and ran.

Hummmm, I have not spoken to my T about this and maybe that is why I am stuck in a rut right now as she is treating me for CSA. Maybe I need a comfortable middle to this crap flowing through my head.

I Like your signiture: Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

It just takes time.

Blessings
_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#406381 - 08/10/12 11:11 AM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 151

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#406382 - 08/10/12 11:12 AM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: Tyr]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 151
W

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#406386 - 08/10/12 11:25 AM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Does to the age of 19 count??
Well it started as a young young boy, cant really remember, but I sometimes feel that I let it continue to the age of 19. It was almost as though I wanted it, as though I needed it. Makes me cry sometimes.

The other day I was talking about it with my T and she said to me "you were severely abused Martin, you endured the most horrible things, you were severely traumatised by it"

For years and years I brushed it off as nothing, what a earth shattering moment for me. WOW
So JLS you are not alone or special, well you are special, but your circumstances were not. YOU ARE ONE OF THE BROTHERHOOD.

Heal well
Martin
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#406389 - 08/10/12 12:14 PM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
Ocellaris Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 9
Loc: New York
JLS -- I know how you feel. My abuse started when I was 16. I often have trouble identifying with CSA survivors whose abuse occurred at earlier ages because my story seems to me so much less horrifying. We were older and felt like we were more independent, and so it seems to us almost like we chose to be abused (maybe others don't feel this, but I'm speaking for myself). But I think in many ways we might have more trouble accepting what happened to us. I know I was in denial for years before I finally acknowledged that my experience was not merely an "experience," but rather actual abuse.

I also find that my reluctance to talk about my abuse with people stems from this perception. After all, a 10-year-old who is abused is clearly a victim. A 16-year-old who claims he is abused can easily be painted as something else. I recently had a very close friend who knows my story ask whether the abuse began due to some sexual curiosity on my part. It was an honest question on her part, but I don't think she understands how painful it was. I simply said "no" and changed the topic.

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#406397 - 08/10/12 01:49 PM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: Tyr]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I heard that most sexual abuse of children occurs between the ages of 11 and 17. As such, most statistical data that I've seen counts the sexual abuse of anyone under the age of 18 as child sexual abuse. Most laws recognize this too, although they take into acount that the age of consent may be lower than 18 if a teenaged boy or girl engages in non-exploitative sexual activity with a partner the same or close to the same age.

On that note I've always found it a struggle reconciling the sexual violation I experienced as a teen by a much older adult since unlike with a small child adolescents possess a sense of sexual identity and are more likely to respond to sex in this context, which has made me wonder if I somehow participated in it (even though I hated every minute of it). The flip side is that due to my sexual identity being in development at that age it I believe it was affected in an adverse way that wouldn't be known to younger children. For example, my first orgasm with another person occurred at the hands of my abuser. When I look at it this way I was still very young, much closer to a child than an adult. I had nowhere near the maturity or experience of my perpetrator, which is why he chose me to offend against. Fact is if I was an adult he wouldn't have been interested in me.
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#406398 - 08/10/12 01:52 PM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1871
Loc: durham, north england
The problem I tend to find with any csa/asa description, is that there's just no clear cutoff point, afterall throughout history, boys as young as thirteen could be considdered adults and old enough to marry and start a family.

Even when I here about stories like jls' I feel a little guilty, sinse after all my hme life was surprisingly normal and I still have a good relationship with my parents, it was just that I happened to go to a school which was a complete pit!

for me there was no grooming, no emotional connection, just a bunch of board kids making school more fun by playing jokes on that one guy that everybody hatesIt's even hard to say when my abuse started, sinse it was a gradually increasing thing from 12 to 15.

I think of it as sa, sinse the physical violence, constant name calling etc isn't what bothers me, indeed it got to a point where I was glad when people insulted me sinse verbal insults were the least painfull, it was the s/xual humiliation, public exposure etc, always in the context of large crowds of people indeed I don't think there was a single incident that involved less than four people at once.

Yet was I a child? I'd already lost most of my vision, lived away from home. Probably more than that, I was intelligent, much as I don't really want to admit that sinse it feels really arrogant to write it, but it was probably even more a contributing factor in the reasons for my abuse than my visual imparement (the several other vi kids in the school weren't abused at all).

I literally had no friends of my own age, indeed I was far more comfortable with people older than mme.

I was quite aware what was happening during the abuse, indeed it was the fact that I had a "grown up" atitude to s/x, and just viewed it as biology that I think started my isolation sinse I wasn't going to sit there and make stupid jokes about it, or laugh at other people's.

All this being said, I have noticed that while experiences and some feelings can be very different, there are similarities, and I've had great advice from csa survivers in the past, indeed, though I'd imagine my story is pretty unique in some ways, I don't really see that as mattering too much, ---- though I will admit I feel vindicated whenever I hear about someone who was violently abused by a teenaged girl, sinse it seems in society teenaged girls are still! treated as absolutely inocent of any possibility of sa, and though physical violence and certain forms of humiliation happened at the hands of boys, it was what the girls did that I think had the lasting effect on me, ---- indeed on a couple of occasions girls even got me! yelled at by teachers for "touching girls inappropriately" like the occasion i punched a girl in the chest (given where she was at the time it was the easiest area to reach), which needless to say just made me feel disgusting and inclined me even less to try to fight back, ---- indeed I learnt the only thing I could do in those situations was freeze utterly and let my mind go elsewhere until the crowd had finished with me.

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#406399 - 08/10/12 02:03 PM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: dark empathy]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
In the modern world childhood is extended. If the yardstick for being an adult is to be successful and self-sufficient then one could argue childhood ends at age 25 since this is how long it takes to get a university education and begin a career. I jokingly say that you are an adult once you realize how much it sucks to be one but kidding aside your right that in other cultures adulthood starts much earlier. Thing this is though in such places one isn't expected to do everything individually at such a young age. One might be called a man at age 10 after completing some right of passage yet still they are a very junior "man" who can expect support from their elders in the framework of living in an extended family group, and it is expected that they listen to their elders for some years to come. However, as far as actual physical devlopment goes kids are still growing physically and mentally up until the age of 20 or 21. Hell I didn't even start to shave until I was this age. In light of this the fact that young teenagers think they are adults is a sign that they are not.
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#406404 - 08/10/12 02:26 PM Re: Any Others Here Abused In Their Teens? [Re: jls]
Metolius Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/12
Posts: 41
Loc: Oregon
Thanks for posting the question.

I was abused both in my childhood and in my teen years.

I was so young when I was abused by my father that there was never any question -- once I recovered those memories -- of how abusive and one-sided it was.

I've had to work through a lot more ambivalence regarding all the abuse that took place in my teen years, and young adult years as well. The main perpetrator in my high school and college years was a priest. In addition, I began cruising for sex anonymously, mostly having sex with men who were at least twice my age; some who were even 3 and 4 times as old as me. It's only in the last 3 years that I've recognized even those encounters were statutory rape.

Abuse is abuse is abuse. There are so many ways we have been taught by our abusers to discount ourselves; so many ways we were isolated and cut off from our peers by them. Regardless the circumstances or age at which we were abused and assaulted, even as adults, I don't see any need for any of us to feel like we don't belong, that our experience or perceptions of our abuse aren't valid. We've been traumatized, we're on the road to healing, and we each have lived with incredible strength and courage as survivors, not only when we've had to courage to speak out but even in all those dark years of isolation and loneliness.

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