who can tell?

i don't know what i had before - so how do i know what i lost?

when you are only 5 - you don't have much to begin with.

lee

because the first abuser was a step-father - i lost any concept of what a father should be.

because her first loyalty was to him, her husband - i lost my mother, too.

i guess i'm a little slow - just now able to anwswer more clearly:

Like MarkK said - "me"

my way of expressing it would be - that i lost any chance of knowing who i would have been if not for the trauma. i feel that loss acutely sometimes - almost like what i have heard about the death of a twin.

lee

I lost me, turned into something that I didn't recognize when I started to really look at myself and just now after 1/2 my life discovering the wonderful person trapped inside me. This makes me angry.

My rightful place on The Red Sox in-field.

Even if it was only to be a dream, it simply could not "be," not after I was shredded like that. Not after being kicked out of real-life.

1. Sense of self worth
2. Ability to trust what people say to me.
3. Ability to express my feelings without worrying about others' reactions.
4. Sense of control over my life.

My abuser was my sister. She used control to abuse me. I was also physically (not sexually) abused by my brother. I get triggered by the smallest amount of control in my current relationship with my longtime girlfriend and want to withdraw.

I can never trust myself, my feelings. I guess I never learned or I lost self trust. Oh right, and my childhood, family, etc....

Thanks for a great topic and exchange, Robbie.

What a lot of great answers...here are mine.

Things I lost:

1) sexual enjoyment
2) Self esteem
3) Self Confidence
4) my virginity was taken when I was 8
5) it poisoned my closest relationship (incest)
6) my childhood
7) trust
8) the abiliy to grow up gay (I thought my CSA caused gay)
9) my family (abandoned by them to incest & a predator )

Things I gained:

1) suicide attempts
2) Numb inside instead of feeling
3) FEAR of many situations
4) doubt in my gay identity
5) depression and suffering

6) a family of choice
7) a close relationship with a T
8) recovery from CSA
9) an unwavering commitment not to lie to myself
10) Al Anon
11) a husband
12) CHOICES to accept it and move on or to LET it KILL me
13) an ability to LOVE MYSELF WITHOUT RESERVATION!

If I state what was lost does that help my recovery? We all lost ALOT. Everyone here. We are all still losing something's maybe. We are survivors of loss. We are stronger than most as at the sametime we are weaker. I use to hear my dad say this to me about getting hit with a baseball of taking a hard lick in football " if that is the worst that happens to you then you will be alright". I wanted to reply " your brother has molested me from an age I can't remember until I was 12 is that bad enough for ya". I don't really know to what extent I lost. I just lived life the only way I knew how. Made the most of it and then when I couldn't live anymore with th past then it was time for a rebirth of sorts you could say. The old left and the new came.

Again and again I read this post and the responses. As with most things I read here it is very triggering. It means a lot to find so many other voices sharing my feelings. Wow, thanks all.

cant_remember I appreciate this list of somewhat negative gains, to which I would add that I gained a unusual capacity for happiness - or a capacity for unusual happiness.

Understanding the sadness of life makes me appreciate very much when I am not sad. it's a kind of determination. "I can do this even though you are trying to destroy me."

Although my happy times are always tinged with hidden tears, still I am able to share joy in a way that other people can feel. For this I am grateful.

The creepy dad who out of his own twisted pain tried to ruin me did not succeed.