I've been thinking about all the testimonies of "what I would have been" from other survivors. What did YOU lose?

- As a small child, up till age 8, I could actually sing...I mean really sing. My mother and her staff all would comment with great enthusiasm that I needed to sing for the church, or sing for $, or develop a career while I had the voice.

I remember feeling then that signing was very very personal. That it was heart & soul exposure. Singing in front of people gave them a shields-down view of you. I always felt naked while signing for people...like a party parlor trick for my parents.

After the older boys kicked me out of normal life with all the sexual abuse, I refused to sing --- ever. I felt fully exposed while singing even to myself. I could no longer even expose my soul to me. I've never been self-assured enough to ever sing since age 8.

Since my voice didn't change till I was 15, I think I could have had a good time --- at least for another 7 years.

Waht did I lose:

1. My childhood - still can't remember chunks of it.
2. My Family - I distanced myself from them....just starting to work on getting this back.
3. My Friends - I lost touch with most of them after college.
4. My ability to make friends
5. My trust in people
6. Affection
7. My hobbies - loved playing tennis and I was really good at it...have not picked up a Raquette in years.
8. My ability to effectivily communicate feelings
9. Enjoying sex - Understanding and feeling the good of it
10.Expresing myself to those who are the most important in my life
11. Enjoying hugging and affectionate touching
12. Self respect and worth
13. Joy
14. Being Happy
15. Living my life

Still a long way to go but getthing there,

Shields

robby, i had a very similar experience as far as singing went. I was recommended to go to a cathedral school as a chorister at age 8, but didn't due to losing most of my site in operation. The ironic thing is if I had! become a chorister, I wouldn't have ever gone to the school where my abuse happened, indeed sinse my own voice didn't break until i was 18 or so, I really! would've had time as a boy soprano. Yet at the same time, lots of the most prejudiced, snooty, and arrogant people I've ever met have been those who grew up as choristers, and now when they sing, you can here that their voices are all training and no magic, ---- not all, but perhaps most. So, perhaps I can see some good in this situation.

I'd actually really advise you to start trying to sing robby. It's been the one thing that's kept me going for years, indeed in 2008 performing in the Mikado was the only good thing I think that happened through the entire year. If your uncomfortable with singing in front of people, just do it to yourself purely as pleasure, ---- indeed the breathing and muscle exercizes can be helpfull, though one very ironic thing I find myself is that however scared I am, however intraverted I am, once I step on stage and start singing, i really feel a connection to the audience and to those around me, and all my nerves just melt. This is a fantastic feeling, indeed it's what I'll be basing my life around once my thesis is done, and if any surviver has the inclination I'd really recommend it, ---- heck here in britain if you can just hold a tune your virtually half way there with singing anyway!

So Robby, perhaps you could considder finding a reasonably nice singing teacher, even if you just do it to yourself in private for your own recovery.

As regards what I lost, here is a list:

1: Ability to have any sort of romantic relationship whatosever.
2: Ability to have any sort of pleasure or enjoy7ment of s/x.
3: Ability to enjoy giving or receiving physical affection from another human.
4: Sense of worth.
5:Any sort of chance to have a normal adolescence. I used to sit in my psychology group when I was 17, listening to people complain about relationships and school work and not being taken seriously by their parents and really! wish those wer emy problems too.

6: any feeling of acceptance within a group at all. yes, having a visual imparement makes it difficult, but as child I'd just take this in my stride, not after my abuse showed me what being alone in a crowd really! meant.

7: Enjoyment of any sort of nudity. As a child I used to love summer, running around in just a paire of short trousers or swimming in the sea. not any more. In one sense i feel sort of jealous of nudists, sinse having that sort of confidence and unconcern about your body must be amazing!

8: feeling of self worth.

9: ability to blend into a crowd and feel part of something greater than myself.

Besides everything that has been listed above,
I lost a marriage that should have lasted a life time.

You and the others have nailed such heavy items fall into a sort of debilitating category. I/we seem to all have those on a grand-scale. The "Self-worth" thing for instance. For me it was gone...vanished from the earth.

But #7; Maybe it was just an age thing for me, or perhaps the abuse, but I was quite an in-house nudist and outdoor "open" swimmer until age 8. Then I had lots to hide and/or think I had to hide. But wow...I had never thought about that loss. I still remember the bliss that went with it. God, what a loss.

As for singing. T'will never happen again. My voice and my sinuses are destroyed from $180K worth of cocaine in my 20s. And I think I'll be dead by the time I feel well enough to bare my heart like that again (as in never).

This post is timely since losses is what I am currently working on in therapy. What did I lose? Innocence, definately. My identity since the abuse came to define me. My sense of carefree play. My feelings of safety and security. Unconditional peace of mind. A sexuality that I can be comfortable with. 25 years addicted to drinking, and an 8 year relationship with the one and only person I've ever been in love with. While looking at this list saddens me I am cautiously hopeful that thru my recovery I am working toward getting some of these things back.

I lost friendship. i never had a friend after the abuse. Withdrew completely from everyone unless i was having sex with them. Its been a lonely 42 years.

Yep robbie, there are some running themes here. the main problem I have currently is that I don't actually get any of these back. I can do damage controll, self worth for instance, 've got really good at avoiding the bad consequences of it, but %90 of the time that is all I do, rather like that scene in the lotr film (and not the book), where golum is talking to the corrupted part of his nature and saying "not listening, not listening!"

Judging by the nightmare I had last night though, any sort of progress with genophobia just isn't going to happen, and that probably means romantic relationships, physical affection etc too.

Sorry, but that was the worst nightmare I've had in a good while so I'm not exaclty feeling positive today.

I'm really sorry to here about the singing, another loss.

Rob,

Your post is very thought provoking, and makes me take inventory of what I have because the thought of what I lost is to painful to recount.
I have a life I know is worth living. I have hope now when I thought all hope was lost. I have the ability to ensure my children will never know the pain I feel. I HAVE AN AMAZING FAMILY. I have the knowledge that I am not alone in this because of thousands of survivors here on MS. We may have lost countless pieces of ouselves, but we do have the future and we all can try to have optomism..... Just an affirmation to myself, thought I would share...

You are awesome Rob...... I enjoy your posts as well as your insight...

-Jay-