I am in an intense state of rage right now, I am furious. My brother, who I lived in fear of my whole life, ruined any chance of redemption. He's got some kind of mental problem, like schizophrenia onset by drug use. I know this isn't necessarily about sexual abuse, but I have nowhere else to vent. I've never hated someone more than my brother, until my past of abuse surfaced. He is the second most disastrous influence in my life. I used to think it was the drugs that ruined my family, but now I know it was just who my brother is. He's a self-centered belligerent fool, willfully ignorant and uncaring to the damage he's caused my family. I grew up wondering when my family would be slaughtered because of his foolishness in drug dealing. I have night terrors still because of it. He's got anger issues, and I grew up thinking I would have to protect my family if he went off the deep end. I grew up waiting for the moment I would have to face off with my brother to protect my parents. I thought, and still think one day I might have to kill him in some kind of confrontation for safety. I tried to talk to him minutes ago and he can't even trust me, I've NEVER done him wrong, I hardly ever talk to him, I tried to be understanding of him, and he thinks I am "In on it" with some kind of conspiracy. I've always taken a back seat to everything, I kept all my opinions to myself, and when I try to help him, he gets angry with me. RAGE, ensues. I try to help him even after everything he's done to me, and HE gets angry with ME. I'm being painfully, cruelly, and vulnerably honest, I want to kill him for everything he's done. It's not like I will, but it infuriates me that much. He's the most pathetic, worthless, and hopeless thing I've ever laid witness to in my LIFE. I. Hate. Him. I'm so angry at everything right now, and I'm fearful of living in the same house as him.

I felt the same way about my own abusive brother, who also had near psychotic rages that threatened my life, and my parents did nothing about it. You shouldn't have to be the one to protect THEM from him, or have to compromise your sanity by tolerating his presence. I hope you won't have to go on living in the same house as him for too long.

Thanks, yeah I hope I don't have to tolerate him much longer, I don't like feeling those emotions. It makes me feel so dismal. It puts me in a place where nothing matters and I feel like nothing can make me happy because I'm angry at everything. It blinds me.

Cloudy, first off, I hope you find safety soon.

I would share a saying I heard, "Anger does not stand alone, it is fear, amplified." Anger begins in fear, a fear that we have been groomed to accept from young on, or a new development, or from a series of events that we were subjected to at any time.

We are survivors, so fear is destructive. We will not be destroyed, so fear must become something we build on, and that becomes anger. Anger is a powerful defense. It is a short term resolution. It is, of course, very unhealthy.

Keep seeking a resolution to this CF, there is a way to manage this, and to unlearn this trait, and to learn healthy, affirming traits. Keep on this path fellow survivor,

Sam

You're right, it's a fear for my life, that morphed into rage for self-preservation. That's exactly how I'd describe how I felt. My dad says hes going to get my brother out of the house, so I guess things will get better, but almost everything my dad promises falls through... But I'll be starting school soon, so I'll be there 9-5 mon-fri so I wont be at home as much, which is a good thing.