I came back from my therapy session with feelings that my head was too small to fit all of the emotional stuff coming to the surface. To try to make some space and to try to alleviate some canít cope feelings I made a bullet point list of everything that was in my head.
When I had finished it ended up being a one and a half pages of a typed list. I had no idea I had all that in there but having it all down on paper in front of me made some space in my head and my shoulders felt a bit lighter.
The following week I took it to show my therapist and it took up most of our session. My therapist (Rob) correctly perceived it was not just a list but something precious I could work with. His description reminded me of the Lord of the Rings which I shared with him. When I got home that afternoon I went to bed to chill out.
When I woke up my subconscious seemed to have rewritten Lord Of The Rings and turned it into Lord Of The Lists. I also added later some transcripts of the original. And through the weekend I could not stop writing until all of my life was covered! I will try to explain here how my brain mapped Lord Of The Rings into my life therefore helping me to process trauma, articulate and manage such a list.
Below is a synopsis of my new film.
Boromir: My Old Ex-Friend Len (weak willed)
Dark Lord Sauron: The Abuser
Samwise Gamgee: My Best Mate Dave
Elves: Saved Me From Crash And My Suicide Attempt
Hobbits: My Friends
Gandalf: Post Graduate Education
Historic scrolls: My Poems
The Shire: My Home Now
Eragon: My Therapist (Rob)
Treebeard: Weekend Workshop Facilitator
Forest of Fangorn: The Retreats
Fortress of Mordor. A dark place: Basingstoke
Sauron's tower in Morder and the all seeing eye: My Secondary School
Goblins: Society's Silence And Ignorance About Abuse (My Family)
The world has changed, I feel it in the water, I feel it in the earth, I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost for none now live who remember it. It began with the forging of 19 great lists,
1 was given to my family,
1 to my friends,
1 to my work,
1 to my post graduate education,
1 to the car crash,
1 to my secondary school,
1 to disassociation,
1 to lost friends,
1 to my relationships,
1 to isolating,
1 to dating,
1 to Sci-Fi/fantasy films & music,
1 to poems,
1 to the police,
1 to my head,
1 to my tears,
1 to my trembling,
1 to my feelings
and 1 to my robot.
Within these lists were bound the strength and will to govern each realm. But they were all of them deceived for another list was made.
In the land of Mordor in the fire of Mount Doom Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a master list to control all others. And into this list he poured the abuse, his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all of my life. One list to rule them all. One by one the free lands of middle earth fell to the power of the list. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance marched against the armys of Mordor and on the slopes of Mount Doom they fort for the freedom of middle earth.
Victory was near but the power of the list could not be undone. It was in this moment when all hope had faded that
Isildur son of the king took up his fatherís sword. Sauron the enemy of the free people of middle earth was defeated. The list passes to Isildur who had this one chance to destroy evil for ever. But the list of power has a will of its own. It betrayed Isildur and some things that should not have been forgotten were lost.
History became legend, legend became myth and for two and half thousand years the list past out of all knowledge until when chance came it ensnared a new barer. My precious. The list came to the creature Gollum who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains and there it consumed him.
The list brought to Gollum unnatural long life and for 500 years it poisoned his mind and in the gloom of Gollumís cave it waited, darkness crept back into the world, rumour grew of shadows in the east, whispers of a nameless fear and the list of power perceived its time had now come.
It abandoned Gollum but something happened then that the list did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely person imaginable, a hobbit (tall hobbit!), Lee of The Shire.
The writing on the list has faded. The writing which at first was as clear as red flame has all but disappeared. A secret now that only fire can tell.
"One list to rule them all, one list to find them, one list to bring them all and in the the darkness bind them"
"We have only one choice. The list must be destroyed. The list cannot be destroyed by any craft that we here posses. The list was made in the fires of Mount Doom and only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the firey casm from where it came."
It is my responsibility and mine alone to return the list to Mount Doom. The list came to ME and me alone.
Further Character Info
>Eragon joins the quest to destroy the ring at Mount Doom
My therapist (Rob) now has a major part in my new film. He is Eragon and he is helping me on my quest to destroy the master list in the volcano of Mount Doom where it was forged.
>Boromir: My Old Ex-Friend Len (weak willed)
My friend Len is a weak willed man controlled by his girlfriend. He made it more difficult for me on my quest by refusing to see me when I was ill because I was hanging with another friend heís not allowed to see (girlfriendís orders).
This is my best mate Dave who I told about the abuse when I was 18. We donít see each other very often but he has stuck by me.
>Frodo tried to give ring to Eragon
I tried to give the list to my therapist but this made me uncomfortable and he never took it. He said we should talk about it next time. I have decided to keep the list, itís my responsibility. The list came to me and no one else.
Gollum represents the longevity of the darkness that follows me around.
>Trapped in Helms Deep (no exit)
My Helms Deep was South Africa for me. I was trapped with no way out. I received bad injuries but survived to continue my quest.
>The Eagles help but donít have a great relationship with humans
The police swooped in and tried to help but there was not enough evidence for the CPS. The police donít always have a good relationship with humans.
The elvesí magic saved me from crash and my suicide attempt. They seem to know I had a destiny.
I couldnít do this quest without the support of my good friends.
Gandalf represents my post graduate education. This is a personal passion for me and it represents a supporting positive pillar in my life.
The original film was supported by some old scrolls that Gandalf looked up to find out some more info about the suspected ring of power. These are my poems which are a trilogy of my story with the start of the story in the last episode.
This is my home now. Quiet, safe and relaxed.
>Forest of Fangorn
This forest is the retreat. Its trees (survivors) have deep roots.
>Treebeard (Ent Ė Tree Herder)
This is the weekend workshop facilitator, looks after the trees in the forest. Healing is not done quickly for good reason as this is the speed Ents only know and is the only way to discuss whatís on other trees minds.
>Fortress of Mordor. A dark place
This is Basingstoke. A dark place for me and my parents still live in the same house. I had no choice but to move back there after my accident (not there now though).
>Sauron's tower in Morder and the all seeing eye
This is my secondary school. The all seeing eye watching me from there.
They represent society's silence and ignorance about abuse (my family)
>Shelob The Giant
Spider / Frodo was sent into a trap by Gollum and wrapped in a web so he couldn't move
I couldn't move at the last weekend workshop because of a big trigger that consumed me. I felt I was saved by chatting about it down the pub and my friends saved me there and in the retreat class also. I felt so supported by the other Trees and Treebeard!
>Expelled Rohan Soldiers
My auntie, she wants ride in with her loyal army and give Sauron what for. She wishes I told her earlier and she is also angry with my parentís silence.
Mount Doom is not a place in my film. Itís an act. At some point in the future I will burn the list when I have processed the contents. Not burning it for me is helping me discuss the contents with my therapist.
>Ring has will of its own
The list wants to get back to the Dark Lord Sauron and will try anything to make it happen like making me tremble in therapy sessions and focusing the all seeing eye on my location. (The equivalent of putting the ring on.) The list is heavy like the ring and a burden. The journey will be long but the means justifies the end. To save Middle Earth (me).
Edited by Lee Jenson (08/09/12 08:39 AM)