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#406284 - 08/09/12 09:37 AM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 306
Quote:
I can't even get the zombies in my small town to look at protection measures. NO ONE in this child-rich, affluent town gives a flying fk even with all the sex-offender history we have.


My 2 cents: Walk softly Robbie....and carry a big stick. Sometimes gov't doesn't change because it is the right thing to do. Sometimes, gov't changes because they are in a corner.

Give them their arguement. Hand them the proof they need to make the changes you want. You do the leg work. Site other town ordinances in the state or nearby states. You can find them online at twp./county web sites usually under zoning. Use examples from those places. Maybe it just starts with school zones.....and later expands. Your local officials will not be as passionate about this issue as you are so you'll need to hold back a bit and work slowly. You will find a way, but, it may be slow and steady winning that race.

I wouldn't berate them much. They can become very useful if they don't stonewall you. Even if they are not useful on paper or in public, behind the scenes they can make changes that work for you and your goal.

There was a case in Newton NJ where an offender lived with his mother in what became a restricted zone around a school. I THINK he fought it and lost - then had to move. I'm not sure since I didn't keep up with the case. Start with research like that in the big town around you. No town wants to be a haven for criminals because they lack the enforcement of the areas around them.

I'm in a small (aka micro!) sized town and recently had an issue with a neighbor. On paper the town disagreed with the evidence of my arguement HOWEVER the problem miraculously resolved after they talked with the neighbor. What they officially said on paper and what they said to him - were two different things.

I keep editing this - sorry. Here is the case: http://sentencing.nj.gov/downloads/pdf/articles/2007/Apr2007/story02.pdf

If this is the end of it they referred it to the state - most likely that is where you would need to go as well. Look at other states in the N. East for laws. The same principle applies: no state wants to be a haven for criminals because they lack the laws of surrounding states.

and I edit again! Here is something that attacks the issue from a different angle. It is a lawyer web site but the Act he is siting might be food for thought for you.

http://www.njlawattorney.com/Megans-Law-PC/New-Jersey-Sex-Offender-Monitoring-Act-Lawyer.shtml

And from NH: http://forum.nhliberty.org/index.php?PHPSESSID=c653d3bf0ca16901cb5d8c8656575925&topic=79.0



Edited by sugarbaby (08/09/12 10:13 AM)

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#406421 - 08/10/12 05:12 PM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Thanks sugarbaby.

Just for some background. The Board's behavior has been reprehensible for over a year now. I've tried the nice way for a full year and been treated like sht at each and every step.

The situation is very very dangerous at this point, as the huge park in town is literally 99% forest and trails. The crime there has gone through the roof. Two weeks ago it was 7 arson fires in ONE DAY. A live home invasion (with the people home) happened a month ago.

Zillions of kids go to recreation programs there, and some have to wait for parents, some wander-off, some stand too close to the woods and can dissapear in the blink of an eye.

After one solid year of really bad sandbagging my efforts, I've had to take off the gloves. I'm doing all I can to disgrace them, embarrass them in their arrogance and hold them fully accountable for the Gary Britton case. He was a very very agressive baby-rapist and outrageous pornographer...but he was also a prominent figure and a friend to the Board.

I'm done playing nice. At this point in time, I'd be a like a passive whimp to not go to war on their arse. The web-site has a ton of traffic. Today, I bought space in the local paper with nothing in the space but 'Chestercitizens.com"

If, in the meantime, a child is even approached at the park, I'm going to the Governors Counsil to have the board removed. (Yes, thats a provision in New Hampster)
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#406422 - 08/10/12 05:20 PM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Oh...and I even did the research for them. All I asked for was "an examination or the possibility of adoption." People actually laughed that I could soft-step that much....cuz ah....you know....I'm possibly known as a volatile jerk when I git on this topic.
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#406466 - 08/11/12 08:37 AM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Robbie: I am glad you are fighting the good fight. People are so puritanical and ill-informed on the subject that they need to be made uncomfortable about it until such time that they get passed their own mental garbage and start to actually LISTEN!

But with regards to how you started this topic: there is no good time to tell. I knew before I ever got serious with my husband. I knew he had "some issues" related to his CSA (mostly depression and cutting), it didn't stop me from falling madly in love with him and wanting to build a life with him. What I didn't know, because he himself wasn't even aware, was how all those issues would manifest down the road (porn, infidelity, etc.)

I look around myself and I cannot believe this is my life now. I am hurt, angry, and sad nearly every day. I have cried more in the last 9 months than I have in my entire life. But I am also still full of love and compassion for my husband. I would not have stayed with him all these years if I had not known about his CSA.

I just wish now that I had done something earlier to educate myself about it all. Coulda, woulda, shoulda...

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#406467 - 08/11/12 08:57 AM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
SamV Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5924
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Quote:
But with regards to how you started this topic: there is no good time to tell.

(((Valkyrie)))

I think a combination of advocacy and awareness within the family circle, schools and government would help support a young one in not only avoiding and reporting abuse he or she may be subjected to but also to create awareness in a potential mate as to what they may struggle with within the coupling.

Keep up the good work Rob. Please remember this is a marathon, not a horse race. You are a fine charger fellow survivor.
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#406469 - 08/11/12 10:59 AM Re: When To Tell [Re: Valkyrie]
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: Valkyrie
I look around myself and I cannot believe this is my life now. I am hurt, angry, and sad nearly every day. I have cried more in the last 9 months than I have in my entire life.


As you already know, we see this constantly in this forum. For me, F&F is the toughest place to tread. In my own weird way, its not just the raw pain that I see and feel; Its beaten and soul-crushed little girls. I don't see adult women. Rather, I see your core-being. I see optimistic girls who found their prince and then assigned their best years to him.

I'm not assigning fault here. Not at all. What I see is greatly like rolling-up on an accident scene as I did during my two years with the police. A family (Dad, Mom, 3-kid and a dog) all battered and bleeding, strewn-about the road, wondering what happened to them, how did this happen, what will become of them?

Then I see the drunk driver who ALWAYS is oblivious to the carnage he created...complaining that his "Corvette is ruined...someone is gonna pay to get this fixed, and its not me! Get that guy's insurance info for me!"

We can't undue what the self-centered drunk-driver did. To do so would require that we go back so much further than his trip to the bar. We'd have to venture all the way back to where his selfishness flourished and directed his life and character into a speeding freight train on his own set of tracks.

I see the carnage. There's only so much I can do to help. And I'm so crushed by all of it.

[EDIT] Comparing the drunk driver to the perps.


Edited by Robbie Brown (08/11/12 03:03 PM)
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#406480 - 08/11/12 03:27 PM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
As you already know, we see this constantly in this forum. For me, F&F is the toughest place to tread. In my own weird way, its not just the raw pain that I see and feel; Its beaten and soul-crushed little girls. I don't see adult women. Rather, I see your core-being. I see optimistic girls who found their prince and then assigned their best years to him.


WOW.

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#406500 - 08/11/12 06:46 PM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Thank you, Rob. A lot of the time we're made out to be stupid, selfish, cruel whiners. That's devastating when you're trying to ignore the knife in your back while you help the one who put it there.
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#406609 - 08/12/12 08:41 PM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
(((Rob))) and (((Hero)))

I understand how we may be perceived like girls looking for princes, but I assure you, I was an adult with a career and a mortgage when I met my husband. I wasn't looking for a prince to save me or take me away. I wanted a friend, a partner, a lover...

My husband was and is all those things. His abuse has never lessened him in my eyes. He did things to bang up this marriage something awful, but I am still here. Right now sucks and is sometimes unbearably hard, but I have faith that my/our best years are still ahead of us. Yes, right now, my soul has been crushed, but I have a sledgehammer and some duct tape and I am doing my damndest to put myself back together.

But I don't really know how to help my husband on his journey. And I am also prepared that the marriage may not make it. That does not mean that I won't continue to love and support my husband. Our marriage may fail, but I would still do everything in power to support him in becoming a whole and healthy person and I would never consider that a waste of my life.

My husband's biggest fear is how to "make it up" to me after all the hurt his CSA has caused. I told him, that if he really and truly wants to make it up to me then he needed to do the work to put himself back together. And I mean that. He has to stop beating himself up over what has happened and put his energy into making himself a whole person. If he does that, no matter what happens to this marriage, I will consider us square.

Rob, I worry you are beating yourself up in the same way. A thousand hugs are being sent your way.

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#406624 - 08/12/12 11:20 PM Re: When To Tell [Re: Valkyrie]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: Valkyrie

My husband's biggest fear is how to "make it up" to me after all the hurt his CSA has caused. I told him, that if he really and truly wants to make it up to me then he needed to do the work to put himself back together. And I mean that. He has to stop beating himself up over what has happened and put his energy into making himself a whole person. If he does that, no matter what happens to this marriage, I will consider us square.

Rob, I worry you are beating yourself up in the same way. A thousand hugs are being sent your way.


Contrary to what any lawyer, judge or thinking person would do, I wrote to my wife (makes me too upset to call her "ex") and apologized for each and everything possible that may have hurt her. I threw myself at her feet of hopeful mercy. I knew that position well as I used it throughout my childhood with a nightmare-violent father and perps who knew no limits to anything on, in, with my body and soul.

I mean it when I say that "I don't feel human nor among humankind." Though they won't let me in the club, I feel I ought not injure any one of them or cause them any setback with my existence. I don't see it as "beating myself up." I see it as a near cast-system that is fully alive in this world, if only observed by mortals. God pays it no-mind, but the people I love, know and have never known do adhere to it.

And tonight I remember....tonight I remember...oh dear God, tonight I remember. I considered my childhood the night before our wedding. I actually thought I had overcome the worst soul-infection ever. I actually felt strong and victorious. What a blithering fool I was...a self-centered dried lump of rat dung. My closest brother...not the rat. The rat dung.

Anyway, she never wrote back...never said a word. That's not her fault.
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