Haps - I'm in the same place. We are headed there. Getting over all he did and didn't do became too much. He basically stopped working. It has been months since he went to therapy. He wants to completely blame it on his infidelity and all the heinous things he did. He refuses to accept that he didn't do the work AFTER. I won't be taking him to the cleaners, he took me to the cleaners. I just want to quietly divorce with as little drama as possible. I don't want to divulge any of this in court papers, just quietly sign and move on. Negotiate child visitation and support, try to lick my wounds and figure out how I'm going to put my life back together.
I'm avoiding the do you still care about me by telling him. I will always care about you. Yes, even after all you did. I still care about you.
Don't get involved in long conversations about it. Don't get sucked into it.
I had an incident where he "implied" he would commit suicide to pay all his(our) debts. A year ago, I would have lost my mind with worry and ran after him. This time, I told him that was selfish and mean. Never do that again. Never say that again. We have had enough pain. Leaving me with that legacy would surely finish off our family. Be kind to us all especially yourself.

Good luck and prayers to you.

Sorry to hear of this Haps. It's great you're thinking about how to make it humane for both of you. You have a great heart. Take care of it! Wishing you all the best.

Awesome advice, Anniemy4sons! I know your words come from a deep well of pain, so your soft and gentle advice is that much more admirable.

In spite of all you've suffered, and truly, you've suffered the most horrific of betrayals, I know you'd not be divorcing if he'd have at least tried. If he'd have at least made an attempt to deal with the CSA so he could deal with the sexual addiction. Or is it deal with the sexual addiction in order to deal with the CSA??? I no longer know. I think the order changes as the wind blows. What I DO know is that the survivor has to take responsibility for his recovery. Otherwise, there is nothing left. Maybe this is where Haps is when he posted that he may have a question coming about holding on/holding out?

You and I are on opposite ends of the spectrum. You are on the unenviable end where the survivor chooses to stay in denial and will, therefore, continue to hurt himself and others. I am on the end where the survivor agrees there has GOT to be a better way, has the humility to at least explore the possibilities for his destruction (CSA) and chooses to embark on a recovery that so many have accomplished.

I'm sorry, Annie. Every single person on this board is blessed by your kind, loving spirit and generous support of others in spite of your own bitter pain. If any good is to come of your struggle, I hope it will be that some other survivor and supporter will be helped by you, as I'm sure your words will help Haps. They've helped me!

Much, much love and compassion, sweet soul!
herowannabe