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#405780 - 08/04/12 12:14 AM Reaching Out
Rylie Offline


Registered: 08/03/12
Posts: 5
Hello all. I joinded this wesite because my long time boyfriend just confessed to me that he was a victim of on going sexual abuse when he was a child. He has never told anyone this before. He suffers from PTSD as a result of it and has major depression and suicidal thoughts and tendenceis. I am trying to find him help but sometimes he is so unwilling to accept it. He has major mood swings and is up and down with the idea of finding help. I have been very worried about him and have looked into some options such as EMDR and have made a few phone calls to doctors that he doesnt yet know about. I want to help him in ANY way i can but I just dont know what to do. I am there for him 110% but it just doesnt seem like enough becasue he is still so "sick of living like this" and "can't take it anymore"
I am wondering if there are any loved ones of victims that could give me some insight and pointers on what i can do to help him and how to better support him becasue this is all new to me. Thanks


Edited by Rylie (08/04/12 12:15 AM)
_________________________
"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear that results from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."


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#405784 - 08/04/12 01:15 AM Re: Reaching Out [Re: Rylie]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 203
Loc: IDAHO
Hey Rylie,
I'm new here too. My husband is a survivor who is just starting therapy although he still wont talk about what happened. However I am also a survivor of CSA and have gone through the healing process. His behavior sounds a lot like mine before I was adle to dedicate myself to recovery. I have rape-related PTSD. My Mom was my support and there were a few things she did for me that helped me decide to get help.
1)If he ever has meltdowns like I did and cries or get angry just love him through it. You can cry with him if he really doesn't want a hug just lovingly put your hand on him. Reassure him how much you love him and how hard it is that you can't take the pain away.Tell him that no matter what happened you are ready to help him bear the weight of it. I think soemtimes when were are in a support role we feel like we have to be strong and not let the other person see how their pain affects us. But it wasn't until I realized how much I was hurting my Mom that I started to think differently.
2) Do research about male CSA online and if you come across an article that you feel describes his feelings and behavior print it off and have him read it. This may help him realize that his pain is the aftermath of abuse and can be resolved instead of feeling like it is just who he is.
3)Ask him if he would be more comfortable with a male or female counselor, and look for one that handles Adult male CSA. When you find one tell him you are willing to go with him or not depending on what he needs.
4) Since he has PTSD you are going to want to watch him body language. He probably has triggers that send him to the "dark place." If you see this try to loving remove him from what you think is setting him off, and then see if he is willing to let you talk him down. I had a partner who could always tell when I was tiggered. He would quickly step in and supoort me this helped me identify a lot of triggers so I could learn to work through them
5) Seek support for yourself, this is hard, long, exhausting work. Sometimes you will think he is better and then 6 months later wham!! huge meltdown! It took me 7 years of hard work to truly heal. Don't let yourself get run down so much that you too are lost in his dark place, step back and take a breath when you need to.

I hope this helps. I hope you get lots of responses from the men on here as they are much more helpful then I am.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#405786 - 08/04/12 01:40 AM Re: Reaching Out [Re: Rylie]
Rylie Offline


Registered: 08/03/12
Posts: 5
I have noticed some triggers such as yelling, and when my two year old daughter has fits and starts screaming. He can handle it sometimes but other times he punches things and swears and then just leaves, which i think is good so he can cool down. Im trying my best to be there for him but it is wearing me down too, especially when he goes into a fit and i get atttacked becasue of it, so it is so good to hear that i SHOULD step back and take a breath because i felt guilty for it before. so thank you for that:)
_________________________
"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear that results from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."


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#405787 - 08/04/12 01:47 AM Re: Reaching Out [Re: Rylie]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Hi Rilie and welcome to F&F. You are in good company here.

HD001 sure doesn't sound like a newcomer to me! What wonderful suggestions she's given you! Our painful experiences cause us such agony, but when we take those horrors- as HD has- and turn them upside down so they become a source of growth and wisdom that's shared with others...well...what a victory over evil!!! I'm humbled and inspired!

Your survivor may wish to flee the very real pain he's in by refusing to deal with it, or by attempting to "numb out", which could mean engaging in substance abuse, self-harm, isolating and even taking his own life, which he's verbalized thinking about. That's a red flag! Please continue to be proactive!

Unfortunately, a very real end of a survivor's trauma can be suicide. We have lost a couple of MS survivors to suicide just recently. So, DO tell his doctor of his comments. DO call a suicide prevention hotline for guidance. DO take his verbalizations seriously. With a survivor, it is very important to not force their recovery or their disclosure. However, all bets are off when suicidal thinking becomes obvious.

When we are in the pit of despair, we almost never pull ourselves out without someone helping us up. Thank God your survivor has you to reach down and hold onto him tightly!

Bless your heart, your efforts, and your sweet survivor!
herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#405790 - 08/04/12 02:02 AM Re: Reaching Out [Re: Rylie]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Quote:
two year old daughter has fits and starts screaming. He can handle it sometimes but other times he punches things and swears and then just leaves, which i think is good so he can cool down. Im trying my best to be there for him but it is wearing me down too, especially when he goes into a fit and i get atttacked becasue of it, so it is so good to hear that i SHOULD step back and take a breath because i felt guilty for it


Now I'm worried for your safety and the safety of your baby also. Please allow me to encourage you to get him immediate help for his suicidal thinking, BUT not at the cost of your or your baby's safety. .

Yelling and punching things are definately reactions to stress, but they are NOT mature, rational, effective or healthy. That kind of reacting isn't a viable method of "cooling down"; it is abusive and oftentimes escalates to physical violence. Has it already escalated to physical violence? Is that what you mean by you being "attacked"?

Please don't sacrifice your safety or the safety and emotional well-being of your baby!

(((Rylie)))
herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#405791 - 08/04/12 02:08 AM Re: Reaching Out [Re: Rylie]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 203
Loc: IDAHO
Sounds like scary stuff. Do you worry about the effect it has on your daughter? Is he willing to even talk about what happened yet? Don't ever feel guilty about taking time for yourself or sletting him know when his behavior in not okay.
Just because he was abused doesn't give him a free pass to hurt others. It's good to be loving and understanding but still expect a level of respect from the other person. It took me a long time with my husband before I stood up to him and let him know that his acting out hurt me and wasn't okay. I let him treat me like a doormat for a few years before I realized that doormats only get walked on.
Hopefully you don't feel that way.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#405801 - 08/04/12 02:57 AM Re: Reaching Out [Re: Rylie]
Rylie Offline


Registered: 08/03/12
Posts: 5
First,thank you for your helpful and caring responces. No he has never hurt me or my child and i dont think he ever would. the damage he causes is mostly to himself (hitting himself in the face) or punching walls, he wouldnt hurt a fly. His attacks towards me are more verbal, he has called me retarded and a bitch and things like that but after he comes down from his fit he feels so bad for it. It's very difficult becasue it's like im dealing with 3 different people, there is the "normal him" who is the absolute sweatest most loving and caring person i have ever met, there is the "angry him" when he gets into his fits and punches walls and yells and calls me names and there is the "depressed him" who is very suicidal, this is the one i hate the most. Just last night i was on the phone with him and he was talking about how he couldnt take it anymore and he couldnt live with the pain anymore and he said he had the knife ready and everything and i was ready to dial 911 but he told me if i did he would deffinatly be dead by the time they got there because he is not getting "locked up" [again]. every option i try to give him he turns down. i just feel like my hands are tied and theres nothing i can do to prevent him from hurting himself. i have talked him down a few times but i dont know how long that will work for. im terrified for his safety especially since i work 12 hour graveyard shifts an hour away from him.
He also has a history of substance abuse. He was addicted to pain killers for about three years. he is in treatment for it now but he has almost relapsed a few times when he gets into "one of his moods" for lack of a better term. if i wasnt there to take his keys and his money and not let him go he would have.
He also always tells me that I'm not there for him and i dont care and no one cares because no one was there for him when it happened. it hurts when he tells me these things because obviously i care and i am there for him. it hurts that he could even think or say that. but i understand, or at least im really trying to. im just so glad i found this website becasue i was going insane not being able to talk to anyone about it.
_________________________
"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear that results from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."


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#405811 - 08/04/12 10:06 AM Re: Reaching Out [Re: Rylie]
Haps Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
Rylie,

First, welcome to a very warm and welcoming group. wink Glad you are here.

Your situation sounds tough. I admire your strength and courage through this. It certainly is an inspiration to me, and an inspiration to your survivor as well.

There has been some great advice and guidance here already, so all I will reinforce is your need to take care of yourself as well through this. Small things even - favorite books, talking with friends, a walk. Anything you like to recharge yourself. Emotional support is tiring, and one must recharge to do it well. wink

I can also share with you that EMDR has helped me greatly through many things in my turbulent past. While not CSA related, I do have my own baggage that I'm working through, and EMDR has shaved a lot off my recovery time I believe.

Also, stay on the trauma or CSA therapist path. From what I've gathered from others here and in my own experience, a specialized approach will be the best if possible.

Stay strong, take care of yourself as well, and keep posting here! wink

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#405841 - 08/04/12 04:53 PM Re: Reaching Out [Re: Rylie]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 407
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Hi Rylie:

Welcome. EMDR is a great option as is also Transactional Analysis. Does he have a therapist? If not, he needs one with CSA experience.

God bless and good luck. The people here will be able to help you immensly.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#405923 - 08/05/12 06:58 PM Re: Reaching Out [Re: Rylie]
Rylie Offline


Registered: 08/03/12
Posts: 5
Thank you all. I sat down with my survivor yesterday and had a long talk with him after i wrote up 4 pages of notes of things ive learned about people dealing with this and lists of what i can do to help him through it. This really helped to show him that i care and that i am here for him. We also talked about the EMDR and i convinced him to at least go to the conseltation visit. But i have been bringing him to work with me every night and not letting him out of my sight becasue he has been very suicidal lately and he wont go to the hospital.
_________________________
"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear that results from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."


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