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#405655 - 08/02/12 07:06 PM Hi Again
charlesxy Offline


Registered: 06/09/12
Posts: 30
I've posted before, but feel like I have to again. I am 37 years old.

When I was about as young as four, but not older than 6, I believe I was the victim of sexual abuse.

The details are as follows:

My mother was friendly with a family that lived upstairs from us in our building.

The family included a mother (I don't recall a dad) and her teenage children: a daughter and two sons.

My mother would at time leave me in their care.

I recall that the younger son (the abuser) would show me cartoons while in his room. During this time, the abuser would make me sit on his lap and he made me masturbate him. Once he was done, he would kiss me with his tongue in my mouth. At the time, I did not understand this was sexual and thought it was part of some game. I do not remember how many times this happened, but it was certainly more than once and it was always the same scenario. I recall there was a lag between the last time this happened and when he tried to do it again. I still did not know what sex or sexual activity was, but I do remember resisting because it simply didn't feel right.

There was never any violence involved.

Years later, when I hit adolescence and started to understand what sex was, I realized that I had probably been abused.

However, I never said anything to anyone for a number of factors:

1. I wasn't sure if what happened to me was in fact abuse since there was no violence, oral sex, or interocurse involved.

2. I was too embarrassed to mention it.

3. It happened years ago.

4. I was and am terrified that my parents, particularly my mother, would not believe me.

To elaborate on my last point, I do not doubt tha my parents have always loved me and would protect me. Nevertheless, I have questioned how their parent skills (especially my mother's) at times. For example, when I was I was a kid and brought home bad grades, she showed them to a few family members whom she respected as being very bright. Perhaps she did this thinking those family members could help me with my academics. However, the episode was very hurtful and shameful to me and still brings bad memories. Years later, when I brought this up to my mother, she denied it ever happened, which is even more hurtful to me. I would prefer an admission of a mistake and/or explanation. My parents are immigrants and uneducated, so maybe this partly explains it.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because I finally feel like I should tell them, but worried that my mom will deny she did something wrong that led to the abuse.

My dad is old and sick, and I am worried that if I do not bring this up soon, I will never get a chance to get some answers, like: what is the last name of the abuser (if anything, I want to know if he is working around children..perhaps I can contac the police and they may do something?), how many time was left alone with that family, why was I left with them?

I've only told my best friend about all this and his initial feeling is that there is no purpose in bring this up now since all the outcomes will be negative.

I also have a girlfriend and I've expressed my doubts about having children and leaving children alone with people who are not trusted family members. Of course, she has suspicions as to why I feel this way, but I feel that I should speak to my parents first before telling her.

Anyone provide insight?

First, is what I described what happened to me sexual abuse? Could that person have been convicted as a felon if I said something years ago?

Is my mom to blame for trusting that family in the first place?

Is it best not to risk destroying my relationship with my parents at this point and not saying anything?

After all, even I find the abuser, I assume have no legal recourse at this point?

Apologies for the long post, but I felt I had much to say and wanted to get it off my chest since I've kept this bottled up for so long.

Thank you

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#405667 - 08/02/12 09:29 PM Re: Hi Again [Re: charlesxy]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Welcome back Charles (except you've been on this board longer than me...go figure). I'll echo what some mentioned in response to your earlier posts, find a therapist experienced in CSA.

You don't have to choose the first one. Find one with whom you're comfortable. Some counties even offer free counseling to CSA survivors. And, well, when you're ready you'll do it. You're not on anyone's schedule except your own.

At the very least, all the writing you're doing (not to mention sharing it) is an excellent step. You're organizing your thoughts, asking the right questions, and sharing it. Takes guts.

I can't give specific advice on your situation(s). I can share similar experiences.

My abuser, as I like to say, is worm food. But I've approached the institutions I believe are responsible for letting him continue. Mixed results. Like you, I've wondered if I could have done something in the years between the abuse and now...except I wasn't ready nor was I as fully aware of it.

One comment I will make concerns "what if"...and that's good for analyzing past actions, future options...but in doses. One saying I've loved to use is that if you've got one foot in Yesterday and one foot in Tomorrow, you piss all over Today. (Hell, was that a TOS violation????)

You're a pretty prolific writer. IMO, that's a real gift. Keep using it.

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#405669 - 08/02/12 09:42 PM Re: Hi Again [Re: charlesxy]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 409
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Charlesxy:

What I am going to say is totally unprofessional and from a novice's perspective.

If you can afford it, I would talk to a therapist.

Were you abused? Based on your description, I would say yes. Actually, that is an emphatic yes. A teenage boy using a four year old for sexual purposes is, in my opinion, abusive. Whether he would have been guilty of a felony or subject to legal action, I don't know.

Personally, I don't think your mom is to blame. Again, this is from the description you gave. If she never knew or had reason to know, how would she have any blame. People use babysitters all the time. This is kind of what this arrangement sounds like.

As to whether to tell your parents or not, I don't know. I certainly understand your concerns. My mom is dead and dad has dementia. I know, at this point, I need disclose nothing. I guess some things I would ask myself are:

1 - How sick is my dad and, if I bring this up, will it cause my dad such distress that his health would be adversely affected?

2 - If my parents deny that any of this happened/are unbelieving, how will I respond to their denial? Will it create a rift in the relationship?

3 - How do I even present this to my parents? Is there a way to tell them that is nonthreatening to them?

4 - If I tell my parents, will they assume I am blaming them and become so defensive that I will not get the answers I want?

I really don't know what the answer is. I really think talking it through with a therapist familiar with sex abuse would be the right thing to do, if you can.

Good luck.

Jim
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#405679 - 08/03/12 01:28 AM Re: Hi Again [Re: charlesxy]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1346
Hi Charles,

Welcome back to MS.

I am glad you have returned to this place of healing and support.

You ask many questions, but only you can answer some of them.

Were you abused?

Absolutely. Unequivocally. Without a doubt.


Would he have been convicted of a felony?

There is no way to answer that at this point in time.


Did your mother know?

If she trusted the family to care for you, I would say "no."


Is your mother to blame?

Again, she trusted that family. I am sure the furthest thing from her mind is that you were being sexually abused.


Should you tell your parents?

Whether or not to tell them is something only you can decide. It is probably best to get professional help to assist you with these decisions.

But that does not mean you cannot ask for information about that family, such as their last name. You can ask "out of curiosity" without initially revealing why you are asking.


As for your friend's reaction, that is typical of someone who is uncomfortable with a subject, whether it is sexual abuse, a devestating illness or some other calamity. Only you can decide what is best for you. He is saying that becuase it is more comfortable for him if you never speak of this to him again.


Quote:

I've expressed my doubts about having children and leaving children alone with people who are not trusted family members.


"Family" members are just as capable of sexually abusing as non-relatives. Everyone needs to be assessed for their safety around your (prospective) children. Being related is no protection from abuse.


Whether or not you have legal recourse against your abuser depends on the laws in the state in which you reside (statute of limitations), what you can prove and whether you are looking to initiate criminal or civil litigation, or both.


You can tell your parents in such a way that does not blame them, and will help keep your relationship with them intact. A therapist can help you in this regard.


Whether or not you choose to say anything to your parents, you may want to seek the help of a professional. For help in finding a therapist please read the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping. Psychology Today has listings of therapists for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents. Some offer support groups in addition to individual therapy.

A therapist can help you with many of the issues surrounding sexual abuse and will also allow you to get things off your chest so you do not have to keep them "bottled up."

Another resource to help you get things off your chest are the Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in September.

There are also a variety of books you may find useful. You can find many titles at the bookstore.

Again, welcome back to MS.





Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#405710 - 08/03/12 02:08 PM Re: Hi Again [Re: charlesxy]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
CXY-

Not much to add but this: Becoming a parent yourself will change your viewpoint on abuse and what your parents did and did not do.

Anamolous is absolutely right as usual (don't you get tired of that, Anom?) Many men are here BECAUSE of their families. So we cannot make blanket assumptions that every "family friend" is a potential abuser and all family members are safe.

As I was saying, becoming a parent is a wonderful experience. It will surely test you but I've found it also bring great healing. Your abuse has already robbed you, don't let it continue to rob you by allowing it to effect your descions on starting your own family. Nothing in life comes without risk, this one is well worth it.

Lastly, a word about disclosure. Many of us have been hurt by loved ones who've perhaps acted in the wrong. The key to discussing these issues is seperating the action from the person. I love my mom. I don't love the things she did that failed to protect me. We need to have this talk, like you and your mom. To prepare I wrote all the things I was feeling. Thoughts about the abuse, about what she did in the aftermath, about how much these things have colored my life. She may see the letter, then again she may not. You can see it here if it will help you. But the act of writing it out clarifies and confirms what I am feeling and thinking, as Lancer has observed. Don't leave it once it is written. Return to it later... read it over, revise your thoughts as they mature. Once you have a clear picture of what you want to express then you will be able to discuss these issues with you mom with confidence and with success. It's an important step toward healing. I wish you well
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#405753 - 08/03/12 07:48 PM Re: Hi Again [Re: charlesxy]
charlesxy Offline


Registered: 06/09/12
Posts: 30
Thank you all for your kind words of support. I truly appreciate. I understood rationally when I wrote the post that no one could answer some of the questions except me. However, we all engage in wishful thinking, and simply writing my thoughts down helped.

I also realize that should I go to a therapist, but have not been able to bring myself to do so.

I have a checkup with primary doc yesterday and thought about mentioning this to him as I thought he could possibly recommend a therapist, but decided not to say anything.

Does anyone feel that this is something that should be disclosed to a primary doc before seeking a therapist, or maybe I should find a therapist or suppor group on my own?

Thanks again.

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