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#405511 - 08/01/12 10:41 AM The poison I'm forced to accept.
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 165
Loc: Ohio
Family. Family is supposed to be loving, they're supposed to be there for you, they say friends they come and go but family will always be there for you. But what happens when your family is the poison that ruined your life? Growing up, I know why my abuse happened. From the words of my aunt, "Our family, it doesn't like waves, that's why you don't hear about the problems." Everybody was quiet. They let it happen to me, they sat by suspecting and wondering what my cousin was doing to me, but nobody stepped in. Not even after they saw, they caught it in action numerous times. My parents were not there for me growing up, that's why I was a target. I was screaming for attention, and my cousin took advantage of that. I have 3 siblings, I'm the youngest, and I feel like an only child. My brother Tony is disabled and completely dependent. My brother Chase is a drug addict & dealer and is now mentally sick, onset by drugs (schizophrenic), and I lived in fear of him my entire life. Who were these people that come to our house for minutes at a time? Which person was my brother going to screw over, that will want revenge? When will they strike and kill my whole family? My sister Chevin, the only smart one in the family fled to North Carolina as soon as she could. The only person I had in my life, was my abuser. I depended of my abuser for everything. The kind of sick and twisted damage that has caused me is overwhelming, and terrifying. I remember the day I confronted him, I believed I was in love and that he loved me, and I told him I loved him. He was very blunt, and paraphrasing he told me, "Look I never loved you, I'm a sick person & a nymphomaniac, you were just my fix and I controlled you like I do everyone else, I always get what I want." My world SHATTERED, I'd been living an illusion, for 12 years nothing was real and I was used by this monster of my own blood. I was just a body, and nothing else to him. I cannot, in words, illustrate the horror, the heart wrenching pain I felt and still feel today. I was demeaned & belittled in the worst way imaginable, I was stripped of my humanity and my soul was made out to be worthless. I was going to commit suicide unquestionably. I could not live, I just couldn't live anymore. It killed me. But for whatever reason, I'm still here. My mom for the first time in my life connected with me the next day. She saw me crying my mind out and came in my bed and laid next to me holding me, begging to know what was wrong. And I let out my unspeakable secret to her. Again later that day she caught me with the pills in my hand before I was going to kill myself. She got me an emergency meeting with my therapist which ultimately saved my life. If I was not seeing a therapist at that time in my life, I would indefinitely killed myself. It was my mother who saved me, the same mother I have no memories of during my childhood, the same mother that was never there for me, the same person who protected my abuser from accusations the entire time he was raping me. How or should I forgive her, I don't know, but she has been trying to be there for me now. She's the only one I have right now, I have no choice. And it kills me to hate her because I know she's trying, but it's too little too late. And even after that, I remained by my cousins side for another year until I broke away. For that year it was better in my mind to live a lie and remain in the illusion than to accept the horrifying truth. It is my family that contributed and acted in shredding my soul to pieces, living in fear of my brother & uncle and being an object to my cousin while he raped me for years, and being denied closeness & acceptance of my father who drilled me for success, and my mother who protected my abuser, and my aunt's & uncle's silence knowing of the abuse. My family destroyed me. Now I am left picking up the pieces of my shattered soul, and I am supposed to love these people? Family is about unconditional love they say, what do you think? Am I allowed to just say no, I cannot love you any more, you lost me. Growing up I always wished I had no family, I wished I would somehow become an orphan because I knew they were killing me, I knew they were holding me back. I knew they were the shackles that kept me drowning in the darkness with no way to swim away.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#405516 - 08/01/12 12:06 PM Re: The poison I'm forced to accept. [Re: CloudyFalls]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 07:45 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#405544 - 08/01/12 04:24 PM Re: The poison I'm forced to accept. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Vadrian Offline


Registered: 09/10/11
Posts: 110
Loc: Pacific
Cloudyfalls, I also had such a family, and I know intimately the betrayal, neglect, and willful ignorance that you talk of here. I'm so sorry for your pain and what was done to you, which is inexcusable. I slammed the door on my abusive family, and I've only become healthier as a result of doing so.

YES, you are allowed to say you don't love them, that they didn't earn your love and betrayed you in unfathomable ways. Unconditional love in my opinion is only due to children from their parents. You didn't receive that from yours, or even basic protection and care, so you owe them nothing today. You still have yourself, even if you rightfully hate your mother, you have YOU, which is something great. There was a time when I worried about my mother's feelings as she tried to do things for me, but I had to realize that I'm not responsible for what she feels, but I was burdened with her sadness and her emotions from a young age.

take care,
-Vadrian.

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#405559 - 08/01/12 06:21 PM Re: The poison I'm forced to accept. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Lenz Offline


Registered: 04/23/10
Posts: 61
Loc: San Francisco
CloudyFalls,

Unconditionally? They of course didn't mean that. For my family those terms are understood better this way: Love under no conditions. Such is their un-or-noncondtional love.

You are not alone. I am proof of that.

And, I am not your brother, but I want to tell you that it is yours to feel as you want to. Feel truly, and uniquely. Feel who you are, and emerge from the grief in a way that is wise, that explains, in your careful handling, what you have learned from such mishandling.

I'll say all this because I am trying to help myself. I need to hear the echo that comes from my own sentiments. Try to delight in the six feet of Earth that you see before you. Turn that into twelve or twenty feet, and see for yourself what new opportunities (to love and to live) lay beyond it.

All your pain, all your anguish and turmoil, poison, whatever torture you call this, I am just like you, here at the other end, and it is testing the strength of my soul.

Pull tighter, lean in, grip that infinite sheet of being that spans all the bright trifling crap, and shreds the trivial innocence of the world. There is such a weight upon it - the awful reality that we are, with all our efforts, barely suspending.

Lenz

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#405629 - 08/02/12 11:36 AM Re: The poison I'm forced to accept. [Re: CloudyFalls]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
Cloudy,

The most important part of your healing is you. You don't need to love anyone that you don't feel safe loving.

If you can forgive your mother and allow her to help you heal, then that is good. But if it's too hard for you to forget that she abandoned you to your rapist, then honor yourself and tell her you're not ready to love her yet.

It is possible to succeed in life while putting together the shattered pieces of our childhood.

And you're not alone; you have us. We're your brothers.

Jim
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#405630 - 08/02/12 11:48 AM Re: The poison I'm forced to accept. [Re: cant_remember]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 165
Loc: Ohio
Thanks everyone, all your words are very helpful in my recovery, I'm so glad I got here, I don't feel like a ghost anymore when I'm here.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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