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#405470 - 08/01/12 02:51 AM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
Napoleon Offline


Registered: 04/06/11
Posts: 166
Loc: Utah
I don’t know if she left over the disclosure.

But I can tell you that if she really did, she was not the person you thought. Your happy relationship was based not so much on a lie but was not based on the whole truth, perhaps part of it. Anyone who would leave you because you were bi- or because you were abused… you may be better off without them.


Edited by Napoleon (08/01/12 02:52 AM)

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#405535 - 08/01/12 03:12 PM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Ok, here goes....I wholeheartedly agree with everything Esposa, Hero, Hope and Gretta have said.

I think your thinking is way off. Let me tell you this.....had my husband NOT disclosed his CSA I wWOULD have left. It would have been his silence that would have caused me to leave. Had he not told me about his CSA, the only conclusion i would have been able to make is that he is gay, or a sociopath or just plain creepy.
So there you have it. The opposite is true. I would not have let the door hit me in the ass on the way out had he not diisclosed. Ask Hero, Esposa, Gretta or Hope.....I am pretty sure they would agree to a certain extent.

The behaviours caused by CSA are very scary. The realization that I am living with someone who risked his life, my life and was doing unspeakable things that I am still 2 yrs later freaked out about. Because of disclosure and coming on MS, I can understand. I don't know if I forgive and forget, but at least I haVE some type of explanation for the insantiy.

Just my opinion but whenever I hear you talk on here about this, I want to ask what happened? I know your wife used to be on here and was very supportive so what changed?

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#405539 - 08/01/12 03:23 PM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 236
Loc: us
For me as not just a wife but a fellow csa survivor, I feel more afraid of my husbands silence then anything he could reveal about his past or csa. Him shutting down and trying to pretend like we a like everybody else it what hurts. Him not believing I love him or really want him is what hurts.

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#405548 - 08/01/12 04:42 PM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 236
Loc: us
To robbie. Thanks you so much for your story. I feel like my husband might have a lot of those debates in his head. He won't tell me anything specific. One night he had one of his drunken episodes. Maybe is was wrong of me but I just stared asking questions about what happene to him . He freaked out heand curled up in ball on the floor and started to sobb like a I have never seen. I just put my arms around him a cried too. Told him I love him and I'm so so sorry. He went to couseling for awhile but now has dropped out and is pushing away from me. I feel like the only reason I'm handling things like I am is because I was abused when I was little. I got help and I healed and want him to do the same. I think the emotion for partners of victims that don't understand abuse could be a lot harder. Maybe your wife just couldn't process it. Just like you couldn't for so long. Maybe she is afraid. But I've have learned that all we have is ourselves. You haven't lost that. I haven't either. I hope that you can find your way. Don't give up its hell but its worth it

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#405560 - 08/01/12 06:41 PM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 675
Loc: NJ
Knowing what Lucy has been through, I know for a FACT that what she says is an understatement about what she would think of her husband WITHOUT the context of CSA. I would think similarly of mine - A MANIAC, AN ATTEMPTED MURDERER, AND ABUSER. Thank god for the CSA context and all of you.

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#405568 - 08/01/12 08:33 PM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Esposa, my friend, I am so grateful to call you my friend and to have a witness to this life of mine. I don't think people who aren't in our situations could possible understand or even believe the insanity we have seen. If they knew about it, they may lock us wives up in the looney bin.

As for disclosure....I think if I was a man going to disclose, it may be helpful to hand your loved one some information to read like percentages, myths and such and possibly you could explain some of the struggles that come along with csa. Even as intelligent as I am I couldn't possibly comprehend what all this ould mean in my life.

For example...if my husband would have told me he was a sex addict before marriage (yeah, right!) I would have thought that meant he would be bugging me all day every day. Even though I had heard about alot of the stuff that my husbnd ended up doing, I had no idea why people did that or that it had anything to do with sex addiction or childhood abuse. They were just creepy strange men in my eyes. Now I see them as being the wounded men that they are.

I think it would be helpful to know the struggles you have too. If he would have told me he had an incident of abuse when he was young I would not have been able to guess of the ramifications it had in his life or would have in mine.

I guess that would be asking too much apparently......

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#405583 - 08/01/12 11:01 PM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Exactly, Lucy!

However, if we'd have known of the abuse, we would have not ignored the "weird, little things" along the way. We'd have given those things more thought, would have done some research, asked some questions and likely would have insisted on counseling. Perhaps, just maybe, we'd have been proactive and would have been able to nip in the bud much of the misery???

No one can make up this stuff, and no one can imagine they'd have to deal with such things in their very own happy world.




Edited by herowannabe (08/06/12 01:07 AM)
Edit Reason: Blah, Blah, Blah. Who cares...!
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#405609 - 08/02/12 03:49 AM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5940
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
How are you Rob? Did you find relief in the shares here? Did you find hope? Please let us know how you are doing fellow survivor, keep letting yourself know you are worthy of love, positive support and a healthy relationship. If you are too hurt, then let those who care about you hold you up until you are able to walk again.

Resolve this issue, correct your heart, then find the joy you hear so much about, it is searching for you!

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#405793 - 08/04/12 02:17 AM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6361
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
There's the loss of my "intended path" that still burns. The pain of the "actual path" that distorted my life and there's the loss of a blood-diamond.

Any one of those three elements of dread and torture are "enough." That's where I am.

While making my Thorozine-shuffle through life, I'm trying to end as much evil as possible. My town meeting on Child-Safety-Zones flew like a led-zeppelin. The town Board just stared at my passionate plea and flapping evidence charts in slack-jawed disinterest. Not one word was spoken when I stepped-down. They went on for an hour about who would install the fence surrounding a vacant lot.

So here I stand with all my sht...all my elements of dread...not even today's parents care enough to head-off their own kids' demise. Not ONE cared enough to show-up at the town meeting.

But hey! The cable still works. The SUV still runs. The kids remain peachy-keen.

--The New Prairie Home Companion
_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

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#405954 - 08/06/12 01:03 AM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Rob-

I'm sorry for the lackluster participation you got from people who most certainly should enthusiatically embrace your teaching and suggestions. It is so frustrating and downright depressing to hold in your hands a "cure", but not have anyone willing to take what you freely offer.

I guess it's human nature to gloss over things we assume would never, could never become our reality. I don't know how to change that, but I know you are trying your best. And your best is all you can do.

Know that you make a difference, and you will reap the fruits of your labor! I believe in that and I absolutely believe in YOU.

Sending Love-
herowannabe

P.S. I'm sorry that my post above sunk into me, me, me! It was a dark day best spent in a dark room by myself. I am sorry.


Edited by herowannabe (08/06/12 01:06 AM)
Edit Reason: P.S. Added
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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