Hey dark, thank you for supporting our supporters.
Lucy, that your husband shared this is remarkable. Sex is the ultimate coping mechanism, and to risk it to disclose, to heal.., well that is remarkable. Wish him much success, it sounds like you and he are on the right path.
Acting out, allowing ourselves to quell the surges, those terrible extreme emotions that contort and overwhelm us is a survivor impulse, nothing more. It would be like a man dying of a terrible wasting disease, coming across a half used hypodermic needle with what he perceives to be the cure, and injecting it into his arm... over and over throughout his life. It is surviving, and we do what we can to delay the destruction that is promised through abuse. Do not be ashamed of what you have done, what your supporter has forgiven you, it is in the past, and it is done. Keep healing. Healing is here, albeit a slow process. You are reaching out for healthy affirmation, for clues how to process the abuse, minimize the feelings and find the one man among all those broken men inside you, the one you want to be, and strengthen him to be present.
The thoughts, memories and feelings of the abuse and the shame of acting out will continue to present themselves. When they do, whether during sex, masturbation, in the shower, online or power washing the back deck, know that you can slow the avalanche of despair, you can show yourself compassion, you can put the needle down. The abuse that overwhelmed you you now can slow, and even stop. Look at yourself in a mirror, and pretend that you are looking at your abused, hurt self. With soft eyes, smile. Touch the face in the mirror, tell him you are sorry terrible things have happened to him, tell him you really care and will never leave him. Linger in support.
When these memories and the shame present themselves, stop. Look into the lovely eyes of your wife, feel the weight of your feet, your hands, feel the texture of fabric, the freshness of a cool breath. Name some of the things in the room, a lamp, the color of the curtains. Stay in the present, for in the present, you have no shame, you have done nothing wrong and you pursue healing recovery. In the present and into the future, you can have hope that soon, you will free yourself, and support your supporter.
It is coming,
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014