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#423719 - 01/30/13 09:05 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
Thanks Jude, we can not give up and I know that, no matter how hard the challenge feels in the moment. Abuse is something we went through, but I am trying hard to see what I can be and won't let life define me by it anymore.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#431278 - 04/14/13 10:59 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
It feels like this whole process is like some weird onion. You get rid of one layer, and something new comes up and when you get that, anger comes up again with confusion. How did they even find me, figure out they could use me then trade me around? Why did no one notice? How many more of them are left to uncover? Don't know the answers to any of that yet and maybe it doesn't matter now. Now I want to tell my family about "them" and don't know how to start that. Maybe if I tell them they'll get why I was like I was and why I can be sad sometimes now without being able to explain. I don't know how to explain the unexplainable. Am learning how to take on one thing at a time and beat it down. My T says face it to stomp it, so I guess that's one thing at a time. Just feel like I have to go away for a while till I can figure out where I'm at inside. Inside is just very tired.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#431296 - 04/15/13 04:25 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 747
Loc: michigan
when it comes to telling, fear is always the worst. no matter how they take it the result is likely to be better because at least the secret is out as you say buff at least then they would be able to understand some things weather they choose to or not. my parents never responded well to my telling but it was just them passive like they always were. it was just a "SO?" kinda response. you are growing so much man and I know the confusion is terrible but I think you are great! you can do this man and on the other side it will be better no matter how they respond
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#431337 - 04/15/13 05:06 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
Thanks New, I will keep going forward as the idea of going back, shutting down or whatever just bites. Will be back on in chat when Im more settled. Thanks again smile
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#431985 - 04/21/13 07:10 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
Been a rough couple of weeks. Took two weeks off from T and start again tomorrow. Now I'm wondering what's the point? I mean, what do we do when healed and think of ourselves as a full survivor? I guess it means not hurting like before inside, and moving forward knowing from that point on "it" no longer consumers your life. Right now I can't imagine what that will be like, not having that stuff in my mind so much, but I still believe it is possible. Soon I hope, then I guess I get to start over as a new me whatever or whoever that will be.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#432778 - 04/28/13 07:34 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
This week in T, I held a section of hot wheels track. May not seem like a big deal to most people, but I was spanked at home with those, and beaten with that by a perp when I was like 9. His way of making sure I kept my mouth shut. My T and I had talked about it, and I was totally sure I could hold it now "being all grown up".

He brought out the track and it got me nervous just seeing it. Still I took it, was shaking and started to cry too, but did it for about 45 seconds. Next week, I'll hold it again and the week after and the week after...till it is just a toy and not a symbol of hurt. I think it's a step forward, least as far as I can understand steps being new to T and healing. It's like just one more thing to deal with but my T says face it to stomp it, and I will. Someday will find the end of these steps too. Am not going to give up no matter how much stuff bites having to just face it. I don't want to, but I don't think trying to just push all the stuff away works at all either, and this is working. Has anyone else done this, like used a prop that represents something bad?
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#439267 - 06/26/13 02:02 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
So the progress seems to continue in one area, then slow in another. I can hold those hot wheels tracks now...it is just a toy again.

Am fighting hard to understand what trust is, really is, when it comes to other people. I am better then I ever was at figuring out who I can trust, but sometimes the one you trust turns into someone like the perps, angry and mean. Maybe trust is a life long learning thing. I am tired of trying to figure it out but will keep trying. Going back is not an option but for the moment my walls are back up about trust. Have to get better at reading people but this is yet another step in a staircase that looks like it has no end.


Edited by BuffaloCO (06/26/13 02:02 PM)
Edit Reason: spelling
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#439273 - 06/26/13 02:28 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
Buff - I can really relate to what you're saying here. Sometimes sociopaths are so charming it's really hard to see through them until it's too late, and by then you've given them your trust. I've had a couple of these insane people befriending me these past few months, but luckily I've found some new genuine friends as well on the way. It's hard to pick yourself back up again after unfortunately brushing sides with these types of people, especially in terms of opening oneself up again and being vulnerable, which is what true friendships entail. I hope you don't lose faith in the fact that there are good people, though. Reflecting on this, I guess my rule of thumb is, when they're too nice the first couple of times you meet them, then they're too nice to be true. Keep going with your recovery man.
_________________________
Husky

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#439280 - 06/26/13 04:49 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
For the moment, my walls are up again. I can't explain why without causing problems here so it'll just have to stay that way till I can sort it out. Thanks Husky, you like so many others here, are a good friend. I'll figure it out and turn this around again too.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#439488 - 06/29/13 12:43 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: concerned_husky]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: concerned_husky
It's hard to pick yourself back up again after unfortunately brushing sides with these types of people, especially in terms of opening oneself up again and being vulnerable, which is what true friendships entail. I hope you don't lose faith in the fact that there are good people, though.


Not sure I can turn this around this time but I really want to, just not sure I'm smart enough right now to know the way to do that. Feels like I can't do that with walls up, and taking the walls down makes me vulnerable again.

So much work over the last year leading up to learning how to really trust for the first time in my life, in a way that does not make me a target again. That feels like an illusion now, like somehow people who did not get abuse put in their life just automatically know how to tell good from bad in others. For us that was stolen. Forever? I don't think so, just don't know how to start again trying to learn how.

I want to believe that if you can do that then you will know which battles are worth fighting. Part of me thinks it is time for me to leave this site, another part says if I run again, evil wins again. Have told myself a lot over this year that I can either give up or get up, and I keep getting up.

Tonight it just feels safer to stay behind walls and trust very few people even here. You are one of them Husky and some others too, but living in a world of permanent mis-trust will not be a good thing but when rules are applied to some and not others, the idea of safe healing becomes a lie.

I have to keep trying to figure this out and I am not giving up or leaving yet, but until I figure our more I'm staying behind the walls. Meeting my T again next week after a month off, and he can help.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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