I'm new and I don't know how to start this so I'll just write.

I know there are thousands of stories here like mine, thousands of "us". I don't get the why, and never will. I'm a survivor. My abuse started when I was around 5 or 6, and continued for some 13 years till I was big enough to stop it (mostly) and left home. My family doesn't know about the predators, but they sure know about the verbal and physical stuff at home. No one talks about it, and I don't get that either. There is a lot I don't get and it bites. The predators stole my innocence, but they could not take it all away and that part I still have inside. I will not give into hate, or "they" will win.

I had a counselor but can't afford one now because I'm unemployed. I'll get back to it but at least I'm here. At least now I know I am not defined by who and what the bad people told me I was. I was not made for the things they said I was made for, that stuff they said was the only thing I'd ever be good for. I also learned from my counselor that it does not matter anymore where I have been, only where I'm going. I'm not sure where that is yet, but I can come here. Sometimes things here make me cry, but I'm glad I found this place. The shadows can leave me alone now, and I hope they figure that out soon. They are not going to win.

Buffalo,

You're a great writer, and you have a strong spirit.

It's been great talking with you in the chat room, and this is a great first post on which to build.

People don't like to talk about it because their afraid of facing what we face every day. The taboo keeps them silent. It's our job to break the taboo and force the normals to confront reality. It's not always easy, but you'll do fine.

You're my brother.

Jim

Welcome, Buffalo!
You are in a good place here and it sounds like you have a good outlook. I agree that we cannot let the shadows win.
Your story resonates with me deeply. I too, was abused from the age of six until I left home. Lots of verbal / physical abuse as well. I continue to struggle with "owning" that part of me that is good and strong.
I wish you all the best in your healing path!

Good job neighbor!
I must agree - you write very well - and I too have enjoyed conversations with you in Chat.

I look forward to hearing more from you - whether in chat or in posts. You are a valuable person - as you are now finding out.

Welcome!

Glad you are here Buffalo

G

Thanks guys. Writing is one of my real talents, but even writing that much hurt. Am not sure about my outlook and spirit somedays but I'll get there. They can't take that away from me either.

Hi BuffaloCO,
welcome to male survivor!
Many of us have occasionally struggles with our spirits. Healing is journey that sometimes looks like one step forward and two back. Sometimes reading some hurtful stories can be triggering, please think how to find tempo that suites you best in your healing avoiding negative impacts. Many of us are very sensitive and we have to look for ourselves occasionally.
Here is notice "Your First Steps to Get Help" for new members, please read it, maybe it would be helpful:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/docs/FirstStepstoGetHelp.doc
Be aware that we are offered some additional tools here, like regular chat, moderated chats called Healing circle - it is kind of group work. Please consider sometimes to check it and see if it suites you. And there is a list of good books: http://www.malesurvivor.org/bookstore.html
and articles:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/adult-survivors.html
Beside that please look further for answers and share as much as possible; isolation is something that hurts us a lot so try to connect to brothers survivors
Healing is possible!
Pero

Hey man,
good to chat with you some. I applaud you for taking the step and reaching out to this community of others who can offer support and encouragement as needed, and also offering from yourself the same.

Thank you for sharing, and I hope you experience a world of healing in your life from your pain...

Peace

Hi Buffalo, Thanks for the introduction. You're tkaing some great steps here.

Thanks again everyone. Maybe I can write a poem. My T had me write my story out in more detail and she thinks I should try to get it published. I would have to do that anonymously as my family doesn't know about the perps and I don't want them to know. They know about the stuff at home and that's bad enough. I thought writing it would help too but I can't figure out if it has. So it is like some weird journey. Really, I just wish all of it would go away and I could be normal whatever that is, but realistically I know it won't, can't go away. At least here people get that.