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#405291 - 07/30/12 10:53 AM Survivors, please help! triggers
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
My husband shared with me how the thoughts of his abuse are very arousing to him. I know this is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation but he doesn't.

He feels such tremendous shame about this. When involved in sex these intrusive thoughts come and f*(& him up.

He also feels tremendous shame because he masturbated to the abuse memories and acted it out with other men.

Please tell of your experiences and thoughts on this, survivors, so I can share them with him.
(Spouses are welcoe too.)

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#405292 - 07/30/12 10:59 AM Re: Survivors, please help! triggers [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
I would also appreciate if a survivor could post this on the male side and or the sex identity issue forum so I can get a wide range of answers.

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#405294 - 07/30/12 11:17 AM Re: Survivors, please help! triggers [Re: lucylives]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Iv'e Posted it for you Lucy

Its under the title "Help a wife out"

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#405296 - 07/30/12 11:20 AM Re: Survivors, please help! triggers [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
thank you

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#405474 - 08/01/12 04:20 AM Re: Survivors, please help! triggers [Re: lucylives]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1866
Loc: durham, north england
This is the third time I've tried to write a reply to this topic, sinse on the one hand this is something I'm worryingly familiar with, on the other hand it calls up so many bad memories and feelings every reply I've written has started with fear, then going straight down the path of the dark side to anger, and then hate, and then suffering.

Fear at my own memories, anger at myself for not being stronger, and hate against anyone who dares to have what I cannot, all of which pretty much wind up in suffering.

To explain, one of the most horrific things about my abuse and probably the hardest thing I've had to deal with is bodily betrayal. My mind could be utterly absent, I could be punched, slapped, humiliated, stripped, spat on, yet my body still responded. This response was extremely public, seen by everyone involved (my abuse was about as close to gang rape as girls can do to a boy), and something I didn't want.

I learnt as a teenager to avoid any physical response, to try and hide it, even to mb as much as possible so that my body wouldn't respond and start another session of name calling and abuse.

It's not surprising now that I have so much trouble with s/x, indeed I've often considdered medical castration sinse apart from solitary, physical pleasure all that part of myself has ever bought me is fear and shame.

I've often really wished I could experience the emotionality of making love with someone, of having that closeness with someone with my mind and emotions actually present and without everything that went with it, ---- indeed I still find it a disgusting fact that the physically closest I've been to anyone in my life was while having my face spat in, hence my feelings of jealousy to those who've experienced a true connection to someone emotionally during love making.

I have no solution to this, indeed I've often thought that having a partner and thus creating a new set of associations and perceptions with engaged emotions would be! the solution, ---- but obviously for your husband that hasn't been the case, and sinse I've never had the experience I can't say it would've been for me either, it's just a fools hope.

and now this has once again degenerated into self pitty which is of no help to anyone, and I'd probably better hit submit before I talk myself out of it for a third time.

I really hope you and your husband have more success dealing with this than I have, and i'mr eally sorry for taking up your time with such crap.

Luke.

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#405500 - 08/01/12 09:20 AM Re: Survivors, please help! triggers [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Thanks Luke for responding. I figured this was a pretty tough subject for many survivors which is why I thiink I got so few responses.

I appreciate you pouring your heart out. It is helpful for sure. I can't say I know your pain but I see it on my husbands face so I have some idea.

Would you mind posting my original post on Sex Identity issues forum. That may help me, my husband and you!

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#405501 - 08/01/12 09:27 AM Re: Survivors, please help! triggers [Re: lucylives]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
((((Luke))))

You are farther ahead than you think! You are brave and you are generous in placing your heart and fears in this response.

Thank you so much, sweet, hurting soul!

herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#405508 - 08/01/12 10:19 AM Re: Survivors, please help! triggers [Re: lucylives]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1866
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks people.

I've copied Lucy's first post into This topic in the s/xual identity issues area of the forum, I hope you get some helpful responses.

I've noticed myself that for all I've been here for years and for as much as my feelings of worthlessness and other resolutions have improved, my genophobia and indeed all my issues around s/x just haven't moved at all, and whenever I go near this bad stuff happens.

I've been attempting to do something about this recently with a little systematic desensatisation, but it's not worked at all, and even when i was having counselling no amount of discusssion about this helped sinse I know! where all this is from and what it's doing, I just don't know how to deal with it.

Indeed I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that this is something that just doesn't have a solution, or at any wrate not one that I can attempt without a relationship to give it reality, and sinse that is a practical impossibility (partly due to the phobia itself), there's no real way out of this.

All I can say Lucy is your husband is lucky to have you attempting to help him, and if I'm being absolutely honest, i feel a little jealous of him for that, which is to say I wish I had what he had, in you, (I don't mean by jealous that I feel any actual animosity at all).

I really hope you have more success dealing with this than I do, indeed the best way I've found to deal with it is to avoid it as much as humanly possible and concentrate on music, writing and the other things in my life, which usually I can succeed at quite well it's just that a passage in a book I read early this morning set my feelings going in the wrong direction.

appologies again.

Luke.

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#405509 - 08/01/12 10:35 AM Re: Survivors, please help! triggers [Re: lucylives]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
Lucy,

Your husband is lucky to have a wife who is understanding. Like Luke, I am not as fortunate.

I understand the issue this way: in our developmental stages, when our "arousal template" is prematurely stimulated by abuse, the abuse becomes imprinted upon us. This is not our fault; the sin is not ours. Therefore, we must endeavor to not feel guilty about being aroused by it because we did nothing wrong.

We don't want to be aroused by it, but that's not going to change the fact that we are. As long as its safe and not hurting anyone else, and as much as you and your husband feel comfortable doing it, my advice is to surrender to it.

We all know about the kinky sort of people into feet, or boots or shoes, presumably because one's mother's high heels gave one an erection at a young age, and then BAM! shoe fetish.

That's like us, but for abuse. With me, it's white hair. I'm drawn to it like a moth to a flame. I try not to feel guilty about it, but I would rather not deal with it at all.

PM me if you would like to talk in more specificity about your husband's issues.
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#405877 - 08/05/12 12:39 AM Re: Survivors, please help! triggers [Re: lucylives]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 203
Loc: IDAHO
What he is feeling is really normal. He needs to re-program, so that he doesn't feel sexual intimacy and sexual abuse in the same space. It's hard because our bodies can't tell the difference. A good therapist will be able to guide him.
When he is ready he needs to re-explore sex and draw new positive connections to arousal and being with a partner. It can be a slow process but I'm living proof that it is possible. He doesn't need to feel ashamed. I think it makes a lot of sense that he would feel this way. Our brains are always connecting things together especially when we are children. I hope that he can see that it really isn't his fault and he can work to change it, if he is willing to get help
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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