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#405981 - 08/06/12 09:31 AM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
Quote:
So the meat of debate: When do you tell your future spouse or significant-other that you were sexually abused as a child?....


I used to think I knew the EXACT day that H SHOULD have told me. The more I know about CSA, the more mature my understanding of it is - the less I know about when he SHOULD have told me.

When SHOULD he have told me? When he was emotionally the best capable to say it AND when I was emotionally the best capable of hearing it. I don't know when those two golden roads SHOULD have intersected.

I used to think I knew, but, I have no idea NOW of what was best to do THEN. I don't think there was a BEST time, a PERFECT time, a wonderfully EASY time. I don't think it exists.

He did the best he could to say it - I did the best I could to hear it. I think that is the same story for a lot of people. It is what it is.

Quote:
Your first 1000 orgasms were with older boys? WTF? C U L8R Rob!


It is intersting to me that H may be concerned about this. Honestly, I never really thought much about it.

I had to come back and edit my post for this.....I honestly never even thought this may be an issue for H. Is it for most of the guys here? It seems logical that it would be but I am just blown away that I never even thought about it......and God knows I over think most things! smile

For me, the fact he had physical reactions to being abused, or how/or where he was abused, is like......100 universes away from what he and I share.

Quote:
Should you even have a spouse or significant-other?


Yes. There is no debate there.




Edited by sugarbaby (08/06/12 10:00 AM)

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#405994 - 08/06/12 10:25 AM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Quote:
He did the best he could to say it - I did the best I could to hear it. I think that is the same story for a lot of people. It is what it is.


Yes indeed sugarbaby, so simple, yet so wise.

Deeply appreciated,
Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#405995 - 08/06/12 10:34 AM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1290
Loc: kansas
agreed...
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#405999 - 08/06/12 12:04 PM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
I agree with what is said about the details of the abuse - and feeling like it was so irrelevant to our relationship. I don't feel like his disclosure or the details are anything other than something that we can share - and bind us together in understanding and compassion.

What I wish I had known was how he was feeling, how he felt out of control, how he felt angry, how he wanted to act out, numb. Those things would have been useful for me.

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#406036 - 08/06/12 07:36 PM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
Wow Robbie. This came up in our last session together with our therapist. My husband said, I never should have told her. This never would have happened. Meaning our marriage being over. We both looked at him like he lost his mind. Of course he should have told me.
If he hadn't told me, he would still be prisoner. HE IS FREE!
Our marriage didn't die because he told me. Our marriage died because he didn't/wouldn't do the work to save it. HE REFUSED. HE STONEWALLED. He felt controlled. He didn't want it more than the GHOSTS. He didn't chose me.
He didn't chose us.
Of course you should tell. Reach out for your destiny. Don't be a hostage. LEAP. JUMP. GO!. RUN! TELL!
_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

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#406038 - 08/06/12 07:38 PM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
and as my husband has told me from the beginning "you gave me my soul back", I say "no, baby you took your soul back. I didn't have it to begin with. I was just loving it."
_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

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#406041 - 08/06/12 08:02 PM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Oh Annie, my heart goes out to you. My wife and I have recently began to reach the structural issues, and our marriage, our commitment feels so shaky at times, it is as if we continue, we could lose each other.

You are so clear about what he needs, what he has accomplished, you get "the supporter star of the year award"(That was spoke in earnest, just shoot me if it sucks as bad as it sounded in my head). You also are stable enough to be able to demand limits be respected and when they cannot be, to respect yourself.

I am truly amazed at your balance, dear supporter.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#406175 - 08/08/12 12:18 AM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
Robbie,
You can't blame people for wanting to not look at this situation or bury their heads in the sand. This is heinous, its hideous, it is evil. No one wants to look at this unless they are forced to look at it. And most times they are forced to look because it in in their living room. The only thing we can do is show up. Bring it up. Be unafraid and face it down. When they look away, say watch out!

WE ARE THE WATCHDOGS FOR THE LITTLE ONE NEXT DOOR. We know, we talk about it, we are affected by it. We have a personal responsibility and a moral obligation to sound the alarm AND be heard.

Acceptance is the name of the game. You have your cross, I have mine. No amount of complaining will make it lighter it will only made the hill steeper.

Go back to work Robbie. You know what you have to do. You've been doing it all along.

I've been watching you for nearly 1 year. I see your cycle. You're tired Robbie. And when you get tired you threaten to quit. You announce you are quitting and then you sign off, say F this I'm done. You go under ground for a while but you never stay there. This fight is your mission. Your life's mission. When the burden and realization of all that it has cost you come to the fore front of your mind you get discouraged and tired.

You need to take breaks. You need to give yourself a break. Yes, this is not what you had in mind. You lost your family unit (as it was). Your wife was a huge disappointment. (and she really was). Well I'm pretty pissed too. This was sooo not my fairy tale. We made plans.. God had something else in mind.

But you know what? If you have saved 1 kid. Just one little boy or girl... was this worth it.?

Because I WOULD GIVE MY LIFE FOR A CHILD. NOT JUST MY OWN. ANY CHILD.
and so did you. and so you will continue to do. And save as many marriages, families, survivors and wives as you possibly can.
_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

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#406232 - 08/08/12 08:32 PM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I can't even get the zombies in my small town to look at protection measures. NO ONE in this child-rich, affluent town gives a flying fk even with all the sex-offender history we have.

NO ONE CARES! What happened to instinctual child protection?

Take a look if you wish: chestercitizens.com
_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

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#406274 - 08/09/12 08:11 AM Re: When To Tell [Re: Still]
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 248
Loc: Europe
I don't mean to hijack this thread, but I'm having a rough day and it is related, it feels like it is related, to the question, "When to tell."

I thought yesterday was a normal or better than normal day. I worked, my wife worked. The kids are out of town. At night we walked to some freinds' house to pick up something that was mine, and on the was there and the way back we talked about everyday things, and even held hands.

In bed, I thought we might get intimate, but then she asked me about the 5 love languages. (I'm not up for explaining that whole thing here. If you don't know it, it's not hard to find on Google.) She asked me what I thought the order was for her. That is: among the languages of gifts, acts of kindness, words, quality time and touch, which did I think was most important for her, and 2nd most important. That felt like a really complicated question to me. (Sorry ladies, this is one area where I'm just an emotionally stupid man. It really felt like a hard question and a trap.) She said she would then tell me what she thought the priority was for me. I wasn't in the mood for this kind of game. (Confession: I didn't know the right answer and knew if I got it wrong it would not be good.) I think I tried, and of course I got it wrong. She told me that touch is the most important thing to her, and obviously, she said, it is not important at all to me. (I don't think this is true, but I really don't know anything.)

She continued:

On a scale of 1-10, she told me my passion level was -5.

She said whenever she touches me, I freak out. (Her words. This made me said, cause I really thought I had gotten better. All that work for nothing.)

She said I NEVER let her put anything in my mouth, like feeding me. (I used to think this was normal. I mean, I SO don't want anybody to put a spoonful of ice cream or whatever in my mouth I'll turn my head and back away. It's just a reflex I thought everbody shared. I'm not even interested in making it a goal to change this. I don't want anyone to do that. FULL STOP.)

I felt like she was fishing for me to confess that all of these things are about CSA. I've told her about the CSA, so I'm not hiding that from her, and I know that I am less than she deserves, but I just couldn't explain the background again in bed last night.

When I first told her about Mom touching me, she just flat out told me I was mistaken, that it wasn't true.

I told her about my brother, and memories I have of his genitals in my face. She said I could go on this website or to therapy or support groups or whatever, but only on the condition that I not come home one day and tell her I was gay.

Reading this post, it sounds like I'm setting her up. I'm not trying to get anyone against her.

All I'm saying is, if the qeustion is when to tell, I don't know. There is no guarantee it will go well, and, I find, it can be used against me any time after that.
_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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