I had my weekly therapy session this morning and it went pretty well. I strongly recommend to everyone in this forum to consider the EMDR method, it works very well, or at least it has worked for me.
13 years ago I finally realized there was something wrong with me, I did not know WTF was wrong nor how to deal with it, I have been through many therapist's and each one has made a contribution the my healing process, no matter how big or small I am grateful to each and everyone of the therapist's.
On Thursday July 19th 2012 I had this image of my mother sexually abusing me, and even though the image was not very clear, yet the feeling was too strong not be true. Another thing to take into consideration was the series of self destructing behaviors I had been doing for a long, long time, including: alcohol abuse (I even took the stand in my local AA group), unprotected sex with male prostitutes, drunk driving and a lot more. I used to be a catholic, but since CSA scandals I don't got to he church anymore nor attend mass, but I still believe in God and I thank him for keeping me alive.
In my memory, the image of being sexually abused bye someone who was supposed to take care of me, was too strong and unmanageble for 9 year old boy and thus was blocked, every now and then those memories were triggered by day-to-day events such of my wife not approving my behaviors or teen age girl not wanting to hang out with me, either one was devastating for me.
I had a memory of one sleepless night in which I was debating between good and evil, about something I had done that was going to cause me to be burn in hell for the rest of the eternity. I also remember going to my father and saying "Dad I am scared" and all I got for an answer was "WTF ? scared? you have nothing to be scared of, get out of here I am busy". And so I thought for many years "There's nothing to be scared of" but the memory of that sleepless night never went away and I couldn't remember what kept up that night.
And yes you are right: what kept up that night had to do my mother sexually abusing me, she manipulated me once and the next time she tried I said no, this is not OK and in one of the most cruel things a mother can do she replied "I don't love you anymore" and this was the memory that has not let me lived at 100% for the past 35 years. With all of my destructive behaviors it was not bizarre sex what I was looking for, it was the tenderness of the love a mother is supposed to give his son. I did not have such love from that moment on and one thing is for sure, I will not have it from now on and that's why I will stop looking for it in my intimate relationships, my spouse is my companion not my mother. That is the deep wound that I started healing this morning.
I forgive my mother, I am not the one to judge her. Today I made the decision of not being a victim anymore. I was a victim for 35 years and I have used victimization and helplessness to manipulate others and you know what ? that ain't living. What happened to all of us is not supposed to happen, but it happens. Today I choose to live, I choose not hate the person who caused me severe damage.
Some time ago, while I was having one of many crisis, a friend of mine suggested this passage from the bible.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I strongly recommend www.emdr.org