What happens when I have nothing to do after a while to keep my hands and mind busy?
This is a really big question, Dar. This is of interest to me personally, as the weekend of recovery helped me to slow down so much, I could take a really deep look at me. What I saw was overwhelming, and a trip I hope every survivor can make.
I know of men who are very busy, very motivated, involved and invested. These men are the first ones to help out, volunteer, are the leaders of the community and they seem to be generous, well rounded guys. The men, and women, are the "doers". They cook, clean, organize. They are impulsive, impetuous and actionable. They can be offensive, but can hide this with self depreciating humor, and they are all driven.
The truth is in a word, compulsive. These men are compulsively working to keep out of their own heads. Lack of appreciation from their fathers, a harsh or demanding mother, having to care for siblings or just plain dissociating from trauma as a youth.
What you may need Dar, and this is only a suggestion, is a Weekend of Recovery. Until then, may I suggest? There is a wonderful 15 minute relaxation exercise that gets a "body" in tune with their "body". It begins with a relaxed position, then breathing followed by stretching to find areas of tension, followed by visualization. I have followed this routine for years, and I have offered it to the very men you have described here. The results were interesting. Most could not finish the exercise, they became agitated and restless. Some would not even consider it.
If you want to slow down in a guided, safe way, this is it. PM me and I will link you to this free video. This is an important step in recovery, I feel. Taking stock of who you are, as an individual. Just you, unencumbered. For decades survivors have always had the best interest of others ahead of themselves and therefore the greatest acting out to compensate for those imbalanced feelings. The trick is to be balanced, to be self reliant and committed to the obligations we have. Then we become responsible and carry out our responsibilities with a fuller sense of accomplishment and personal worth.
Please use or discard this at your discretion,