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#405077 - 07/28/12 04:28 AM Tired of feeling like a doormat. (Triggers)
MissesMe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/21/12
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
I don't really know how to start, but here goes....I had always been a momma's boy from as early as I can remember. My "Mom" would always fight my battles for me, wether in the neighbor hood, or at school. I grew up in a small town in upstate NY, and when I turned 3 we moved to a different small town. My dad sold insurance, and stayed with it till he and mom started to have fights.
Unbeknownst to me they were borderline alcoholics before I was born, and the fights got to a point where both me and my brother would rather stay out of the house than in. I couldn't be outside for too long since I wasn't very old.
My parents bought a new house in the same neighbor hood my brother had a friend in, so we moved. I was around 11 years old then...a new neighbor hood, and me trying to make new friends was next to impossible, being very shy. After about a year, with me not making new friends, just staying home most of the time, my brother brought me over to his friends house one day and they introduced me to his friends little brother. He was one year younger than me, and we became fast friends. ...then he introduced me to an older boy up the street...a 15 year old boy, that was already molesting him and an even younger child than my "new" friend.
As I think back, I remember being on the high honor roll in 6th grade, and just about the time this S.O.B started molesting me, my grades dropped to almost failing, and I started to drink and got into drugs.
I lost all interest in everything that I loved to do, was terrified some one would find out what was going on with this older boy. I started not to care about everyone and everything around me. I was told it's what all boys do, but had to keep it a secret.
My parents seperated about the same time, and I was convinced I was the reason for it, so I didn't dare tell them what was going on. this lasted around 2-3 years, till I got up the courage to tell my mother. She said nothing, but she knew there was something going on over there. Nothing else was said about it, I thought she would do something to stop it. I was wrong.
When she started drinking more, the verbal abuse started...escalated to a point I couldn't stand anymore, and started to leave..stay out all night . I got into trouble, and the police brought me home...she kept telling them to take me away and put me in jail, that she didn't want me anymore. I was 14 at the time. The SA lasted until I was 17. The verbal abuse from my mother continued until I had enough at 19, I joined the service. I was finally free after 5 years of SA from him, and 7 years of VA from her. Or so I thought. I went through boot camp, and loved it. I didnt get what the recruiter had promised me I would get..(SURPRISE)..was getting home sick, and went a.w.o.l. right before I was to leave bootcamp.
I hitch hiked all through 2 states until I landed in my home state. I was feeling pretty good about myself, was on my own without a care in the world, then it happened. something that would kill me inside. I was picked up by this man, he didnt seem right to me, but I was tired of walking, so I got into his car. it was not filthy but didnt feel right. something in my head was telling me to get out, but I wanted to ride instead of walk.
He drove for a few miles then stopped at a rest area,, that had a bar. We went in and he had a few beers, buying me one, then me buying one. I was feeling better about everything. We left there, and after a few minutes on the road, he said he had to stop to see something. I dont remember how we got to where we were, but he stopped the car, told me to roll down the window and look at someting. I did. When I turned my head to face forward again, he had a pistol less than 6 incehes from my face, and pulled the trigger. I jumped, it was so loud, scared the liven shit out of me. I thought he was going to kill me, then he put the pistol into his left hand and asked me..........have I ever had a penis shoved up my ass........I couldnt believe what I had heard...he repeated it...I didn't know what to say.... I was told to pull my pants and underwear down, i was terrified...I thought he was going to kill me, then I thought of the two people he talked with and knew him at the bar. I was so scared, I thought they were going to show up, and I was going to be raped by all of them, then murdered.
I started to cry...I was only 20 years old, weighed 125 lb., and small. I looked like a 14-15 year old. I was going to die in the middle of nowhere. I did exactly what he told me to do, and I don't remember what happened right after, except him telling me to get out...we were at the end of a sandy road, not where he assualted me. I got out, he told me to start walking away from the car, and I thought this is were I die, I started walking, and when I turned around his car was gone.
I've been living this nightmare over and over in my mind for nearly 36 years. Coupled with my brother torturing me-bullying-non stop since I was able to remember. Unmerciful beatings by my father with the belt or yardstick.I"ve been abused and degraded most of my childhood, and no one stopped it. I've been through so much, and feel that altho it could have been stopped no one gave a damn. I'm a very caring individual, and give just about all I can to anyone that asks, but get nothing back from them. I feel when they've gotten all they want from me, I get tossed aside like trash. I've tried therapy for 2 months. Got into some issues, but couldn't afford to continue. So here I am.
I have since told 1 member of my family. I doon't trust anyone anymore.
I've been registered for a week, and finally got the courage to write this, and if I don't submit it now, I'll never do it. Sorry it's so long., and disjointed thoughts. I think I just need to get it out, then get it into order later.

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#405080 - 07/28/12 07:28 AM Re: Tired of feeling like a doormat. (Triggers) [Re: MissesMe]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Welcome to this safe healing place, fellow survivor.

These experiences are tragic and extreme, my heart goes out to you. Little boys should be learning how to put the chain back on their bicycle, how to climb trees and untangle weeds from a fishing lure. Their(read:our) lives should have been filled full of life, getting our confidence about us, friends and family that stick with us, tell us we are doing well, admiring our strengths and supporting our weakness. That was not your life, dear survivor, and that was not many of the survivors in here, nor their experiences.

Your share shows your determination to start over. You know that the beginning you had was not what you need, that those around you were damaged and that you want something more. While they are tied to their controls, you long to be free. While they oppress, you seek to be unencumbered by there domination.

You will begin to find that here, here among this who understand, who read your share and really get the message. Be sorry for nothing, you are owed many apologies. You will not get as many as you deserve, nor may you even get one, but your continued journey will help you to let those negative, terrifying overwhelming traumas go, you will heal with time and effort.

My best to you. Welcome, in sadness for your past and hope for your present and future.
Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#405088 - 07/28/12 09:15 AM Re: Tired of feeling like a doormat. (Triggers) [Re: MissesMe]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Hi MissesMe,

Your post isn't long compared to mine! And it's not disjointed either. Sorry you need to be here, but glad you found us.

I'm sorry your parents didn't take good care of you. The fellows here will listen and compare notes with you, and have many suggestions on dealing with things.

Good luck in all things,
D.

P.S. Just try telling people "no" today. See if their heads bob up in surprise, that Mr.-I-Take-For-Granted said "no"! lololo
_________________________
Female.

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#405115 - 07/28/12 12:09 PM Re: Tired of feeling like a doormat. (Triggers) [Re: MissesMe]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1629
Misses Me

Welcome and I am sorry for all you have endured. Many survivors become doormats. I have felt that way for a long time but you will find your way--here there is so much support and compassion--it would be great to see this carry over into the world. Move at your own pace, try to focus on some good things in your, a goal or something you can achieve--

I for the past several days have felt down, my mind wondering and periods of being lost and not knowing where time went, but I eventually come back and when I do I focus on affirmations and positive things. In our world of CSA it is easy to get lost.

Support, therapy are all good if you find the right mix for you. Keep moving forward--one day the past will no longer consume you. Good luck and heal well.


Edited by KMCINVA (07/28/12 12:18 PM)

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#405154 - 07/28/12 09:29 PM Re: Tired of feeling like a doormat. (Triggers) [Re: MissesMe]
Mike26 Offline


Registered: 07/25/12
Posts: 20
Loc: Maryland
Thanks for sharing what must be a really difficult story to tell. While reading, I was really amazed that someone could go through so much at such a young age, yet hold on. That tells me you are a survivor. Please know that if you can have all of those terrible things happen to you and keep on keeping on, you can do anything. I'm new to this site myself, but already I feel such an incredible hope that I am not alone, nor are you. Let yourself feel the pain from your past experiences, but do not let yourself dwell in it. Use that pain to help yourself move forward. I was molested by a priest for 5 years, and have only recently started dealing with the immense betrayal of trust. I slipped into a deep depression trying to deal with the idea that I should report him, yet he had treated me so kindly. Through therapy, I've learned that the pain I feel from that is all the more reason to report him. I don't deserve to have the pain I do, and that is exactly why I need to report him.

YOU don't deserve to have the pain you do! Have you thought about reporting anyone who has abused you? Its a difficult process, yet the feeling that you could bring them to justice is pretty uplifting. As far as feeling like a doormat, have you checked out the website 1in6.org? Someone here recommended it to me, and it is an INCREDIBLE resource for male survivors. It helped me understand my feelings and gave me ideas for moving forward. Know that the feelings you have are typical of male survivors, and know that you have come to a place of support and healing. Your past does not define you, even when it seems like there is no way out of the intensely painful times. We're all here for you, anytime.
_________________________
"And the day came where the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin

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#405172 - 07/29/12 02:13 AM Re: Tired of feeling like a doormat. (Triggers) [Re: MissesMe]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
MM-

You have found a safe place at last. There is no one here that will treat you like a door mat. You will be heard and you will be comforted and you will be treated like a family should treat a brother. That is with respect and with care. Welcome

-Scott
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#405176 - 07/29/12 05:23 AM Re: Tired of feeling like a doormat. (Triggers) [Re: MissesMe]
MissesMe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/21/12
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Thanks to everyone that replied.
It seems as if I know what I want out of life, and know where I'm going with this, but I'm an expert at keeping (me) safe. I've been doing it for 36+ years....
I lurked around here until I came across the poem from Charles C. Finn, "Please Hear What I'm Not Saying", on here some where, started reading it. It mirrors me exactly. I just started to cry...someone else knew what I was feeling...I still cry when I start reading it. Then I made up my mind to post.
I have so much to talk about to anyone that will listen. I'm an emotional wreck from trying to hide everything from everyone for so long.

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#405181 - 07/29/12 08:01 AM Re: Tired of feeling like a doormat. (Triggers) [Re: MissesMe]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi MissesMe, welcome to Male survivor!
Wow what brave introduction, you hit it in the head!
Congratulation for submitting it, keep like that further smile
Be aware that beside sharing trough writing there is possibility to talk in chat with other survivors or to be part of group chat session called Healing circle, it is moderated and safe environment for talk about anything that bothers you.
Take your time and learn what is offered to us here and find your own pace for healing.
I just read poem "Please Hear What Um Not Saying" and it is really powerful.
I like the finish lines:
"Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet."
Please be aware that we all are wearing sometimes masks pretending to be strong and someone else. At same time we are very fragile, sensitive and I'm afraid lost.
Please share with us your inner side, we are here to listen, there is no need to hide anything... We are all same...
Be well!
Pero
_________________________
My story

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#405206 - 07/29/12 12:54 PM Re: Tired of feeling like a doormat. (Triggers) [Re: MissesMe]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 07:32 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#405241 - 07/29/12 08:10 PM Re: Tired of feeling like a doormat. (Triggers) [Re: MissesMe]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA
(((((((MissesMe))))))))

i am so sorry that you had to go through all that pain and trauma!

You have come to the right place to get support and feel safe as you are able. We are a supportive group and look out for each other here.

Take your time and don't overwhelm yourself with reading too much, until you are able. PM, (Private Message) me or any others that you feel will help you on this painful and hard journey. You are worth it MM and you are not alone.

i hope to meet you in the Chat Lounge sometime.

take care

peace

paul
_________________________
If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

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