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#404693 - 07/24/12 11:28 PM My Story
NWO4Life Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 3
Loc: Southern Utah
Hi there, I would like to share my story. This is tough for me as I havn't told many about this. It took me a while to even share with my wife. However things with her and I havn't been going so smooth. I really want nothing to do with intimacy. I love her to death. I just can't bring myself to be romantic or spontaneous with her. It's gotten so bad that her and I have split up. She needs more from me. I can't give it to her. I really don't know how to get that feeling of wanting to be intimate with her... So, I need to get this off my chest. I hope to gain some friends here. I am 32 years old. I was born in Orland Florida. When I was 5 I was sexually molested by my friends uncle. His father stood there doing nothing except watching. He gained my trust by letting me sit in his Camaro. I loved cars. (Still do) and the loser took advantage of that! I vaguely remember the room. It was dark brown colored and I remember a celing fan. He placed me on my back and straddled me. I couldn't see much of what was going on. I do remember him telling me to grab "it", He held mine in his hand at the same time. I remember him kissing me and my body. He put his D*** by my face and mouth and I remember the smell of it. I was so scared. I don't remember how many times this happened. I tried to block it out. I know he told me that If I told my family he would hurt me and kill them. We didn't play at his house anymore after that. And my family moved from that neighborhood shortly after this. I've been haunted by this for over thirty years. I've been to several therapist. Some have really helped me and others were just there....I know I couldn't have done anything, but I still feel shame some days. I sometimes find myself wanting to be forced to smell another mans feet or balls. Why am I wanting that? It was such a horrible experience. Why would I want that again....! I love being humiliated and it scares me that I might be some freak. What do I do? Why is this a turn on? Thanks for listening.

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#404706 - 07/25/12 01:31 AM Re: My Story [Re: NWO4Life]
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 133
Loc: California
Oh lord, NWO4life, I am so sorry that you need to be here. Telling your story may help - even though you don't know anyone here, we are like you. None of us are freaks and neither are you - you are a survivor, in fact, you and we - to use the words of a good friend - are warrior survivors. We have prevailed against enormous odds.

Read some posts and you will find that recreating the experience of the abuse is common among us - I don't think I know why. I do it - I seek out anonymous, abusive and servile sex. I am afraid that it is what I know, that the man who raped me so young trained me for sex like that. A poster called "Can't Remember" has written a lot about his troubles with "wanting that again..." check his writing our for some solace.

My experience with my partner has some similarity to what you say of yours with your wife. It took a lot of work and he was very patient with me and we are together for 15 years now. He demanded honesty from me, and as much openness as I could muster. When I was freaking out in the past I had to let him know, I had to talk about it with him. This helped me as much as it helped him. After much work and help I can finally let him touch me without me flinching away, and sex is good, instead of awful for me.

Check out resources here, stay present. I am rooting for you.

Geoff
_________________________
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.

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#404710 - 07/25/12 01:41 AM Re: My Story [Re: NWO4Life]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI There NWO4life

I am so sorry that you have to be here but glad that you are. I too have problems with being romantic, but things are getting better.
All the weird fetishes are disappearing and I am starting to develop a healthy sexual appetite.
For me the ticket was Honesty. I had to be really open and honest with myself about what happened, I also had to be open and honest with my wife. It is not that easy to be honest and never lie, At least for me it wasn't.
I also had to get rid of all those negative coping measures that I used, Porn, alcohol, Masturbation, Lying, Food, Work, Exercise. These were all things that took me away from my healing and family.
I had to find a healthy balance, and not become obsessive about things.
My marriage is not that great right now and we are fighting a lot, but I am confident that things can be worked out.
Why I tell you this is because Your wife also needs to go for therapy or join a group like CODA or Al-Anon, so that you both can reach a healthy point at the same time.
There is healing from this, so hang in there, all is not lost.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#404816 - 07/25/12 10:05 PM Re: My Story [Re: NWO4Life]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 359
Loc: Ohio
Hi NWO4life, Thanks for the introduction. There are several sections in the forum - some may be helpful with the questions you pose.

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#404839 - 07/26/12 12:14 AM Re: My Story [Re: NWO4Life]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3493
Loc: somewhere in Africa
NWO4life –

I wanted to respond to so many points in your intro so I took your post and broke it up so it is like a dialog between you and me:

N: This is tough for me as I havn't told many about this.

Me too – it is too embarrassing to talk about and makes me feel ashamed, even though I know what was done to me wasn’t my fault.

N: It took me a while to even share with my wife.

Right – I told my wife some of it when I got very depressed in my 30s and had to go into counseling. I didn’t tell her the rest of the story until more than 20 years later – when I started getting lots more memories coming back.

N: However things with her and I havn't been going so smooth. I really want nothing to do with intimacy. I love her to death. I just can't bring myself to be romantic or spontaneous with her.

It has been difficult for us too. I have always had a problem with anything to do with sex – ever since I was abused – before I even knew what sex was. But for most of our marriage I didn’t know what was wrong with me – thought I was just a weird abnormal guy – less than a real man.

N: It's gotten so bad that her and I have split up. She needs more from me.

We are still together and things are getting better as we work through all the garbage together. Incredibly hard for both of us. I am very grateful for her support but feel terrible that I have put her through so much anguish.

N: I can't give it to her. I really don't know how to get that feeling of wanting to be intimate with her...

I am starting to get to the point where I want to be physically intimate – not again – but for the 1st time. Before, it wasn’t intimacy – just sex with no good emotions associated for me – actually lots of mysteriously negative emotions – but good physical sensations. Now that I am starting to understanbd where all that came from, I am wanting to be more physically involved with her. She is not ready for that yet – because of the inappropriate actions on my part and my neglect of her. I am quite nervous about the next steps but want to try and work on it.

N: So, I need to get this off my chest. I hope to gain some friends here.

You will find many guys who will step up to help, support, encourage, advise, and share from their own experiences. It is a great place to gain understanding and to feel no longer alone.

N: I am 32 years old. I was born in Orland Florida.

60 here – born in Michigan, now live overseas.

N: When I was 5 I was sexually molested by my friends uncle.

When I was 5 ½ my mom married my step-father and that’s when the abuse started for me – until I was about 13. More abuse related to bullying at middle school ages 11-13. Molested once by a stranger at about 15.

N: I was so scared. I don't remember how many times this happened. I tried to block it out.

I repressed memories for years – some came out in my 30s, more of them just in the past year. I think I could have fully dealt with it earlier if circumstances had been different and I had kept at it instead of dropping it.

N: And my family moved from that neighborhood shortly after this.

My family moved when I was 13 and I think it saved my life. I’d have killed myself if I’d been sent back to that school again. The step-father left me alone after we moved.

N: I've been haunted by this for over thirty years. I've been to several therapist. Some have really helped me and others were just there....

Yup – it doesn’t just go away. You really have to work on it go get past it. I’ve had 2 really good therapists who have both help me a lot.

N: I know I couldn't have done anything, but I still feel shame some days.

I don’t know if that ever goes away – but it gets less difficult to handle it.

N: …Why am I wanting that? It was such a horrible experience. Why would I want that again....! I love being humiliated and it scares me that I might be some freak. What do I do? Why is this a turn on?

That’s one of the hardest things to deal with. Many of us have similar issues. Being turned on by the memories of the abuse or by situations similar to the events – and even pictures and films that parallel or remind us of the abuse. (I used to go looking online for pictures on porn sites that looked like the biggest bully who abused me in 6th-7th grade. Felt an attraction/repulsion for his type. Never acted out in real life – just in imagination – and then felt disgusted with myself.) They call it re-enacting and it is pretty common. And it gives us the illusion of control – something sadly lacking in our abuse events - to seek it out on our own volition and determine when, where and if it happens again. One explanation that makes sense to me is that we have been conditioned by the abuse to respond to those unwanted stimuli or details that become like a sexual fetish. And of course the physiological response to sexual stimulus is a pleasurable one – (mixed with the pain if that was involved) – as well as fear, shame, anger, etc. it is a confusing and complicated combination. My therapist keeps saying, “neurons that fire together, wire together.” Apparently there is a scientific basis for this confusing and contradictory mix of reactions – the more intense the emotions and the physical sensations and memories – whether conscious or not – the more closely and firmly linked all the keys or triggers become. So when there is any sexual stimulus – all the other junk piggy-backs along and the negative emotions are right there – even when the situation is not the same. And he says it is possible to break or weaken those connections and re-wire yourself with more positive, healthy wanted associations. We are starting to try to explore that possibility now.

So – hope some of this helps a little. PM me if you want.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#404951 - 07/26/12 10:03 PM Re: My Story [Re: NWO4Life]
NWO4Life Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 3
Loc: Southern Utah
Thank you so much for the responses. And All I can say to you Traveler is WOW! The time you spent breaking down my words. Talking about it is amazing. I am so grateful for this site. I am finally ready to take control of my life. Thank you all!

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#404967 - 07/27/12 02:33 AM Re: My Story [Re: NWO4Life]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Wow Lee

What a post, thank you. Reading your response brought back so many of the struggles that I went through and still do.
What a great response, thanks

I am so impressed with your insight and wish you all the best for the healing journey.

N you can only get well if you follow such a great example.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#404968 - 07/27/12 03:04 AM Re: My Story [Re: NWO4Life]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3618
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi NWO4Life and welcome to Male survivor.
I'm sorry that you have to be here, it would be better that you didn't have such terrible experience but at least you will find some support and help here on your path to healing. Being part of this community helped me immensely.
Be aware that haling is journey whit some ups and downs. We all are different, take some time and follow your pace trough all this.
It is great that you have therapist, we are offered here some additional tools and it is great to combine those.
When I came here I've found of great help reading this note from MS, especially I like those affirmations that can help us to break negative self image and accept our abuse:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/docs/FirstStepstoGetHelp.doc
Beside regular chat we have moderated chats called Healing circles - it is kind of group work. Please consider sometimes to check it and see if it suites you.
Beside that there are helpful articles for reading:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/adult-survivors.html
and many good books:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/bookstore.html
Ask, search, share and write as much as possible smile
Be well!
Pero
_________________________
My story

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#405041 - 07/27/12 09:13 PM Re: My Story [Re: NWO4Life]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3493
Loc: somewhere in Africa
NWO - you are very welcome.

it's a win-win situation.

by helping you, i also help myself understand.

just glad you are feeling encouraged.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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