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#404965 - 07/27/12 01:48 AM What past made us what we are
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I was just reading a post were a guy said that he is a product of divorce from a home where his parents fought all the time.

So I was wondering if there were similarities between Survivors.
This is a bit of a research project, for those of you that know me you will know that I love my research.

So question is----
What do think opened you up or made you vulnerable to being abused?


I would appreciate your responses.

Thanks guys

Heal well
Martin
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#404966 - 07/27/12 02:10 AM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
LuckyOne Offline


Registered: 04/08/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Idaho
I was badly physically abused to the point where my parents had their parental rights terminated and I was placed in the foster system. I'd already learned that abusive behavior was normal. I was already incredibly damaged... At the time I basically refused to speak at all... It made me an obvious and easy target.

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#404981 - 07/27/12 08:48 AM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
my father died when i was three.

mom remarried when i was 5 1/2 and the step-father had serious issues. his various kinds of abuse made me more vulnerable to later bullying and molestation.

i didn't have the self-confidence or feel i had the right to resist or refuse - even if i'd been able to physically fight it off. but i was meek and weak and probly a very easy and obvious target.

with each abusive event i became more accepting of the next - as though i deserved it.

i was also very ignorant and naive about sex - so didn't really know what was going on.

and i started puberty very early - so i was a young, little kid with surprisingly mature "parts" - which gave me a reputation and attracted a lot of unwanted attention.

lee


Edited by traveler (07/27/12 08:50 AM)
Edit Reason: clarification
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#404986 - 07/27/12 09:41 AM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
chambers Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
Originally Posted By: whome

So question is----
What do think opened you up or made you vulnerable to being abused?

I think it was just opportunity in my case, I was there and my brother wanted a sex toy.

EDIT: There were other factors though, my dad wasn't there much because he worked a lot. My older brothers both picked on me a lot, so I suppose any affection from one of them might have seemed like a positive to me. For anyone abused by a family member, I believe your trust of family is probably the biggest thing that opens you to it. They are supposed to care about you and not want to hurt you.


Edited by chambers (07/27/12 04:30 PM)

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#404990 - 07/27/12 09:48 AM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1154
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Dad left us when I was 10. Mom was an alcoholic and rarely home. I had no males in my life. I had a best friend (Rick) and he was cool, but mom ended that when she thought he stole money from her.

The next kid I met was a bully I was fearful of at school, but he was being nice to me. Showing me attention. That lead to all kinds of sexual, emotional and physical abuse from him. I was 12 and he was 14ish. Almost twice my size.
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#404994 - 07/27/12 10:15 AM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Well a couple things made me an easier target for my brother.

1. My father was sick. He had Parkinson's disease and so he wasn't available to be a male role model for me.

2. Due to his sickness, lots of arguments with my parents took place. Lots of yelling, etc. This led to a seperation and ultimately a divorce.

3. I had/have ADD/ADHD like symptoms for as long as I can remember, could have been due to the trauma of my fathers illness/arguments or some other mental illness like depression and anxiety or perhaps ADD

4. Death of my grandmother (on my dads side) and my grandfather (on my mothers side) Grandfather on my fathers side died before I was born. Both of these deaths happened the same year, the year before the abuse started.
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#404995 - 07/27/12 10:39 AM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Certainly my parent's divorce. They split up when I was 12 because of my mom coming out as a lesbian. Being very homophobic my dad didn't take this well at all and I was subject to verbal and physical abuse from him when I tried to stand up for her and for my right to see her. This led to me running away from home and winding up on the streets of a big city where the sexual abuse began at the hands of adult predators who seek out young boys in such situations.
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#405005 - 07/27/12 12:23 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1486
Originally Posted By: Martin
What do think opened you up or made you vulnerable to being abused?

Same old story - I was groomed. I was easily seduced - I was taught to be obedient and deferential. I didn't know how to say no. He was older - like a big brother. All the dynamics were in place. But there was more...

There was the weirder dynamic that I was one of the only male victims of this serial molester. When was caught having sex with little 7 and 8 year old girls (while he was also molesting 13-year-old me), the "village elders" decided not to prosecute. I was charged with the duty of keeping him occupied and distracted from the girls, since I was his little sidekick. That's another "same old story," isn't it? The adults never looked close enough to see that I was also a victim; they just never looked more than they had to. Paterno style all the way.

My molester capitalized on that big-time. My whimpering protests would be met with the whisper reminding me of the consequences of not yielding, the harsh urgency of his tone, that he'd have to do it to the girls if he didn't do it to me. I had this huge responsibility to allow him to have me so he wouldn't do it to the others. We were having like this full-fledged sexual relationship probably several times a week and I couldn't find any moral bearings with it - it was dirty and secret and nasty and wrong, yet if I didn't yield then the same thing would be visited on the girls again and he'd get in trouble I would have failed not only the girls but the adults who told me to keep him away from them. And all that would be my fault because I said "no". I had no good choices at 12/13, and I had no one to save me.

The irony is that my dad used to say I was irresponsible. He had no idea about the responsibilities I was carrying, with only a child's capacity to reason through it.

In for a penny, in for a pound. And - like one of the Sandusky victims said - there was just no saying "no" to him. I can't begin to say how much damage this caused to me. I couldn't sort my feelings and responses and had no where to turn. I was just a slight, sensitive, and fragile little kid who felt like the dirtiest little piece of crap in the world. The biggest catharsis I had was the vicarious enjoyment of the Sandusky victims stepping out of their secret, dark, self-imposed solitary confinements and pointing the finger to the REAL monster. Damn! I wish I had that moment...


Edited by Chase Eric (07/29/12 11:00 PM)
Edit Reason: Changed the word "God" to "damn" because it sounded like I was calling God a monster
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#405011 - 07/27/12 02:51 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 856
Loc: Kc,Mo
mother was and is an alcoholic , no father moved from house to house with relatives friends who ever would take me in . So needless to say the love and attention factor was greatly needed and would be found anyway from anyone willing to give it good or bad . This is the case with any neglected human being . We are created to want to be loved and give love when that " love " is distorted we will take that also . Not knowing the "love" and attention we are getting at the time is setting us up for a life time of struggle to find out what real love and attention is suppose to look like , feel like how to give and receive love real love .

So the neglect factor has a big role . Now for those who had love distorted simply because they were in a position of trust that is another reason . The trust factor with such as a priest or something like that but at the same time the parents should always be aware of the people they put int there lives and there children's lives . It is called discernment and one not need to be super spiritual to understand this , let me make it simple
bad vibes ,gut feeling,something told me , . People ignore discernment and it cost big time . The trust factor is more tricky because these are people we are suppose to trust but I trust know one like that . There will never be boyscout camps or staying with such groups overnight anytime ever. My kids have to be at least 12 yrs old to even stay the night at someones house and really I rarely allow that . My kids know why they no the signs they no what to do and ways to do it . So that brings me to my next vulnerability factor . Not preparing children for what could happen , explaining to them the realities of this world we live in. As early as possible and often . Awareness is the key to prevention i mean really who's parents have sat down with them on a regular basis and explained these types of things ? On a level that if something did go down they would know what it was and that it is not love it is not the right kind of attention and there is nothing to be afraid of no matter what the threats on and on . So not being aware that this kind of thing is wrong and explaining that even though they ( the pervs) can talk to and say all the right things that it is never ever right for anyone to touch your down there or for you to touch them or anything that goes along with anything sexual in nature with a child or preteen .

Because even if there are warning signs to a kid we did not no how to respond because they are the adults they must know something we do not . I ignored the gut feeling but i weighed my options and figured some attention was better than no attention . I had no idea what to do with those gut feelings , the something told me ,feelings . Those are to much for a child to process and act on correctly because the one manipulating the situation knows how to correctly counter act those feelings with words and comfort and promises and things .

my 2 cents
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#405027 - 07/27/12 04:49 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
Vadrian Offline


Registered: 09/10/11
Posts: 111
Loc: Pacific
Being born through no choice of my own to an incest family did the trick. Naturally I was born vulnerable, we all are. But my mother was also an alcoholic and I was subjected to rampant neglect, physical and emotional abuse in addition to the incest, so naturally I had few real defenses, from relatives or otherwise. Being abandoned by my sister when I was 8 years old--the only person who had showed me any real care or affection also had a huge impact.

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#405035 - 07/27/12 06:32 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
Martin-
I will echo my own reasons using Kid's helpful format.

1. Father abondoned me and mom when I was an infant

2. Due to this sudden reality mom became emotionally unstable

3. No strong male role models and lack of emotional support made me (perhaps?)prone to bullying

4. Fear of child bully swept me into arms of adult male predator.

As an aside I am one of the lucky ones (if I can say that on this site of all places). I did not have to endure harsh physical, emotional and sexual torments on a regular basis as so many have. I just had the slow drip drip drip of neglect and subtle emotional abuse. Happy face.
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Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
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#405039 - 07/27/12 08:17 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 133
Loc: California
The question is a good one. Thanks for setting this up, Martin.

I'm the youngest of three boys. I don't know much of my parent's pasts but they both were train wrecks. I do know that my mother was raped by her father and her brother and had a child during high school. She also suffered physical abuse and had scars that showed. She was primed for not defending me or us.
My dad started using me sexually when I was a baby. He also used my brothers but... i got picked as the regular. A sister came when I was four and she slept with my middle brother, providing him with cover. This brother has apologized for letting me always take the hit.

There's more than my youth, but it is confusing and crazy. I may have been selected from birth - although the youngest, I got the "special" paternal historical name. This singled me out at the start. I imagine my father had similar treatment growing up from his dad, whose namesake I was.

As with most of us, the Tuck household was a closed community. No one could see in, and we could not leave or speak about the physical, sexual and emotional abuse.

I'm happy to report that tho I was the youngest and weakest I sure survived like a m***f***er.

Thanks guys!
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I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.

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#405042 - 07/27/12 10:00 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I think the #1 cause of children being easily manipulated or vulnerable to sexual abuse is a lack of parental knowledge; In particular, parents who never ask their children "What if?" questions. In detail, what I mean is a parent sitting a child down and having his full attention and asking him a question like "What if your babysitter asked you to take a bath with her?", and proceeding from there to advise and inform the child of just what and exactly you expect him or her to do if\when he happens to be in a similar situation. Parents who do not have this kind of conversation with their children are, to me, in some certain aspects, neglectful and inviting disaster in the life of their child.

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#405046 - 07/27/12 10:08 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I should also add child on child sexual abuse at around the age of ten. The other kids weren't that much older but their sexual knowledge far exceeded mine at the age I was. Looking back on it now being led by older kids into such activities had an impact on my sexual security and provided the back drop for further abuse in my teens.
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Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#405050 - 07/27/12 10:47 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Well I guess I don't know how to really respond to this question. I was abused by my uncle sexually from a time I can't remember until 12. My parents didn't get divorced until I was 14. I was also sexually abused by a neighbors son, his mom babysat me and he was in his late teens and I was about 10. I don't know why I was abused by 2 different men. I didn't want to be abused. As far as I know I didn't do anything except have a sick, perverted , predator for an uncle. The other guy is a mystery also. I guess predators sense weakness or either my uncle talked with him at some point when he was at my house at some point during one of the many summers my parents would let him come over. So what opened me up?? I don't know. What made me vulnerable?? I was probably in kindergarten and I guess just being a child and being tricked or something made me vulnerable. But to just be honest I find the questions, atleast pertaining to me, to be very disturbing questions and kinda rude. Maybe I am just not far along enough in my recovery yet I don't know. I appreciate research an people willing to help us out but this just struck me as a strange question or a weird way to ask anyway. Just being honest. I am not trying to start any verbal war or fight by any means.
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Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

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#405051 - 07/27/12 10:54 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I will add.... My dad was always around and spent time with me. My mother was a loving and caring protective mom. I was the only child. I grew up in a neighborhood full of boys so there was no loneliness. My dad coached me in sports. My uncle as it turned out is gay and open about it. The other guy was married twice and lives alone now with his mom.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#405052 - 07/27/12 10:58 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: Chase Eric]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
God is NO monster. God is the ultimate healer and comforter. I am sorry that you feel this way toward him. I know that you are entitled to your opinion as am I. I wish you the best for the future. God brought me out of the darkness and misery I was in. Without him I am certain I would be dead. Peace brother
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#405152 - 07/28/12 08:53 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: Country]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
I think eric was saying how cathartic it would feel to point a finger at his abuser and shout "monster!" period. new thought.

He added, "GOD, I wish I had that moment..." as an aside.

Country, I see why the question is perplexing. While other contributors can ID specific vulnerabilities, you seemigly came from an ideal situation and yet here you are. Your post is important because it demonstrates how insideous these perps are. You were not in an overtly vulnerable position but your uncle forced himself on you anyway.
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#405230 - 07/29/12 04:36 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I read, I cried, and I felt similarities in my own life, this is what made me cry.

You guys have tremendous courage and exemplify the the true spirit of the Survivor.

Thanks for your replies and if you feel courageous, please post more.

Heal well all
Martin
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#405249 - 07/29/12 10:10 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
atari_kid86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/23/10
Posts: 130
Loc: Michigan
My entire situation is almost a textbook case.

I was born into a family of 4, myself being the 5th. My father had an intense alcohol problem, and my mom had an equally intense case of denial. The living conditions were awful, and I was a victim of what I consider "passive neglect." What I mean by that is while I didn't ever starve or lack clothing or shelter, I got nothing else from my parents. I only gained knowledge of how not to be a parent.

Then they divorced. I grew up always knowing this would happen, just never knowing when.

This environment made me a shy, quiet, child with no confidence or any clue to know better. It didn't help that I was a scrawny asthmatic kid with thick rimmed glasses. frown I was easily manipulable. The first abuse happened when I was 9 and the perp was my only friend at the time, the 13 year old son of the man my Mother was dating.

The second perp was another "friend." I was around the same age.

By the time my step-dad came around, when it started happening, I didn't even consider it. I had become so used to it, that it didn't make a difference. What was one more guy to have fuck me? It was all the same at that point.

The point I am trying to make is that due to my prior abuse, I was an INCREDIBLY easy target for this man. So I imagine that once someone has been victimized once, the 2nd and 3rd times are much easier. The first perp does the really hard work, I guess. Once I was broken and manipulated, whether it be 1 perp or 3, I am damaged equally.

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#405253 - 07/29/12 10:57 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: Country]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1486
Originally Posted By: Country
God is NO monster. God is the ultimate healer and comforter. I am sorry that you feel this way toward him. I know that you are entitled to your opinion as am I. I wish you the best for the future. God brought me out of the darkness and misery I was in. Without him I am certain I would be dead. Peace brother

Wow, Country - thanks for pointing that out. It's obviously not how I meant it, but I should have been better at proof-reading how that post read. I'm a bit secular, and while God may not have saved me, I certainly don't think He is a monster. I edited that post accordingly.
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#405255 - 07/29/12 11:41 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
-Always was VERY small for my age
-Had virtually no protectors on earth
-Mother in a wheelchair from before my birth
-Father a drinker
-Father an ultra-violent, psychotic Robbie-beater to crazy limits
-Older boys knew "vulnerable" when they saw it
-Older boys were pre-sexualized by porn and a strong sense of entitlement
-My own violent reaction to rape caused me to be hated by entire neighborhood
-Did not even approach puberty till 15.5 yo
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#405257 - 07/30/12 12:38 AM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: Chase Eric]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Sorry if I misread the post Eric. Thanks for the open mind bro. Hope all is well
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#405259 - 07/30/12 12:41 AM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: scottyg]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I see the point. Thanks for the post and clarifying it to a point where it was clear to me. We are all here for each other after all. I see the broadness of the question now. Sorry if my post came across like I was attacking. Thanks
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#405260 - 07/30/12 12:41 AM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
Human Offline


Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 63
Loc: private
Parents divorced when I was age 8, after the divorce my first perp (a male babysitter) groomed me. From then on I think it was known there was one less parent around to watch out for perps and I was dealt a landslide of sexual abuse by 8 different perps which occurred over a period of years. Including a teacher and a coach.
Excuse my rage, but I am enjoying the ruination of "Perp State" good! Make an example of "Perp State". I hope all places of "learning" are tembling in their boots.

As an aside, If I hear news that family or friends are getting divorced (if they have kids) I do my best to explain to them they should not fight (total waste of time energy and abusive) and BOTH parents should make a strong presence to ALL people who come in contact with thier kid(s).
I also suggest any and all other available family members make a strong presence up to annoucning to EVERYONE they are watching too!

Of course this cannot occur if your family members are the abusers.

After reading about brothers who abuse brothers, I no longer wish I had a brother. My sisters were kind and although they were treated better, we get along well today.

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#405283 - 07/30/12 09:00 AM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: Country]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1486
Originally Posted By: Country
Sorry if my post came across like I was attacking. Thanks

I never took it like that. No worries. smile
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#405304 - 07/30/12 01:23 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 07:42 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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