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#405035 - 07/27/12 06:32 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
Martin-
I will echo my own reasons using Kid's helpful format.

1. Father abondoned me and mom when I was an infant

2. Due to this sudden reality mom became emotionally unstable

3. No strong male role models and lack of emotional support made me (perhaps?)prone to bullying

4. Fear of child bully swept me into arms of adult male predator.

As an aside I am one of the lucky ones (if I can say that on this site of all places). I did not have to endure harsh physical, emotional and sexual torments on a regular basis as so many have. I just had the slow drip drip drip of neglect and subtle emotional abuse. Happy face.
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#405039 - 07/27/12 08:17 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 128
Loc: California
The question is a good one. Thanks for setting this up, Martin.

I'm the youngest of three boys. I don't know much of my parent's pasts but they both were train wrecks. I do know that my mother was raped by her father and her brother and had a child during high school. She also suffered physical abuse and had scars that showed. She was primed for not defending me or us.
My dad started using me sexually when I was a baby. He also used my brothers but... i got picked as the regular. A sister came when I was four and she slept with my middle brother, providing him with cover. This brother has apologized for letting me always take the hit.

There's more than my youth, but it is confusing and crazy. I may have been selected from birth - although the youngest, I got the "special" paternal historical name. This singled me out at the start. I imagine my father had similar treatment growing up from his dad, whose namesake I was.

As with most of us, the Tuck household was a closed community. No one could see in, and we could not leave or speak about the physical, sexual and emotional abuse.

I'm happy to report that tho I was the youngest and weakest I sure survived like a m***f***er.

Thanks guys!
_________________________
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.

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#405042 - 07/27/12 10:00 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I think the #1 cause of children being easily manipulated or vulnerable to sexual abuse is a lack of parental knowledge; In particular, parents who never ask their children "What if?" questions. In detail, what I mean is a parent sitting a child down and having his full attention and asking him a question like "What if your babysitter asked you to take a bath with her?", and proceeding from there to advise and inform the child of just what and exactly you expect him or her to do if\when he happens to be in a similar situation. Parents who do not have this kind of conversation with their children are, to me, in some certain aspects, neglectful and inviting disaster in the life of their child.

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#405046 - 07/27/12 10:08 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I should also add child on child sexual abuse at around the age of ten. The other kids weren't that much older but their sexual knowledge far exceeded mine at the age I was. Looking back on it now being led by older kids into such activities had an impact on my sexual security and provided the back drop for further abuse in my teens.
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#405050 - 07/27/12 10:47 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Well I guess I don't know how to really respond to this question. I was abused by my uncle sexually from a time I can't remember until 12. My parents didn't get divorced until I was 14. I was also sexually abused by a neighbors son, his mom babysat me and he was in his late teens and I was about 10. I don't know why I was abused by 2 different men. I didn't want to be abused. As far as I know I didn't do anything except have a sick, perverted , predator for an uncle. The other guy is a mystery also. I guess predators sense weakness or either my uncle talked with him at some point when he was at my house at some point during one of the many summers my parents would let him come over. So what opened me up?? I don't know. What made me vulnerable?? I was probably in kindergarten and I guess just being a child and being tricked or something made me vulnerable. But to just be honest I find the questions, atleast pertaining to me, to be very disturbing questions and kinda rude. Maybe I am just not far along enough in my recovery yet I don't know. I appreciate research an people willing to help us out but this just struck me as a strange question or a weird way to ask anyway. Just being honest. I am not trying to start any verbal war or fight by any means.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#405051 - 07/27/12 10:54 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I will add.... My dad was always around and spent time with me. My mother was a loving and caring protective mom. I was the only child. I grew up in a neighborhood full of boys so there was no loneliness. My dad coached me in sports. My uncle as it turned out is gay and open about it. The other guy was married twice and lives alone now with his mom.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#405052 - 07/27/12 10:58 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: Chase Eric]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
God is NO monster. God is the ultimate healer and comforter. I am sorry that you feel this way toward him. I know that you are entitled to your opinion as am I. I wish you the best for the future. God brought me out of the darkness and misery I was in. Without him I am certain I would be dead. Peace brother
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#405152 - 07/28/12 08:53 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: Country]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
I think eric was saying how cathartic it would feel to point a finger at his abuser and shout "monster!" period. new thought.

He added, "GOD, I wish I had that moment..." as an aside.

Country, I see why the question is perplexing. While other contributors can ID specific vulnerabilities, you seemigly came from an ideal situation and yet here you are. Your post is important because it demonstrates how insideous these perps are. You were not in an overtly vulnerable position but your uncle forced himself on you anyway.
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#405230 - 07/29/12 04:36 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I read, I cried, and I felt similarities in my own life, this is what made me cry.

You guys have tremendous courage and exemplify the the true spirit of the Survivor.

Thanks for your replies and if you feel courageous, please post more.

Heal well all
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#405249 - 07/29/12 10:10 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
atari_kid86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/23/10
Posts: 124
Loc: Michigan
My entire situation is almost a textbook case.

I was born into a family of 4, myself being the 5th. My father had an intense alcohol problem, and my mom had an equally intense case of denial. The living conditions were awful, and I was a victim of what I consider "passive neglect." What I mean by that is while I didn't ever starve or lack clothing or shelter, I got nothing else from my parents. I only gained knowledge of how not to be a parent.

Then they divorced. I grew up always knowing this would happen, just never knowing when.

This environment made me a shy, quiet, child with no confidence or any clue to know better. It didn't help that I was a scrawny asthmatic kid with thick rimmed glasses. frown I was easily manipulable. The first abuse happened when I was 9 and the perp was my only friend at the time, the 13 year old son of the man my Mother was dating.

The second perp was another "friend." I was around the same age.

By the time my step-dad came around, when it started happening, I didn't even consider it. I had become so used to it, that it didn't make a difference. What was one more guy to have fuck me? It was all the same at that point.

The point I am trying to make is that due to my prior abuse, I was an INCREDIBLY easy target for this man. So I imagine that once someone has been victimized once, the 2nd and 3rd times are much easier. The first perp does the really hard work, I guess. Once I was broken and manipulated, whether it be 1 perp or 3, I am damaged equally.

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