Newest Members
Stormchaser, johnnyc717, bluebook, Roscoe, SJC
12314 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
blueturtle (46), David C (40), DavidC (40), Derdlecar (61), Hector (54)
Who's Online
4 registered (Tiger1982, takingitslow, 2 invisible), 14 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12314 Members
74 Forums
63366 Topics
443077 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#404965 - 07/27/12 01:48 AM What past made us what we are
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I was just reading a post were a guy said that he is a product of divorce from a home where his parents fought all the time.

So I was wondering if there were similarities between Survivors.
This is a bit of a research project, for those of you that know me you will know that I love my research.

So question is----
What do think opened you up or made you vulnerable to being abused?


I would appreciate your responses.

Thanks guys

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#404966 - 07/27/12 02:10 AM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
LuckyOne Offline


Registered: 04/08/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Idaho
I was badly physically abused to the point where my parents had their parental rights terminated and I was placed in the foster system. I'd already learned that abusive behavior was normal. I was already incredibly damaged... At the time I basically refused to speak at all... It made me an obvious and easy target.

Top
#404981 - 07/27/12 08:48 AM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3357
Loc: somewhere in Africa
my father died when i was three.

mom remarried when i was 5 1/2 and the step-father had serious issues. his various kinds of abuse made me more vulnerable to later bullying and molestation.

i didn't have the self-confidence or feel i had the right to resist or refuse - even if i'd been able to physically fight it off. but i was meek and weak and probly a very easy and obvious target.

with each abusive event i became more accepting of the next - as though i deserved it.

i was also very ignorant and naive about sex - so didn't really know what was going on.

and i started puberty very early - so i was a young, little kid with surprisingly mature "parts" - which gave me a reputation and attracted a lot of unwanted attention.

lee


Edited by traveler (07/27/12 08:50 AM)
Edit Reason: clarification
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#404986 - 07/27/12 09:41 AM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
chambers Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
Originally Posted By: whome

So question is----
What do think opened you up or made you vulnerable to being abused?

I think it was just opportunity in my case, I was there and my brother wanted a sex toy.

EDIT: There were other factors though, my dad wasn't there much because he worked a lot. My older brothers both picked on me a lot, so I suppose any affection from one of them might have seemed like a positive to me. For anyone abused by a family member, I believe your trust of family is probably the biggest thing that opens you to it. They are supposed to care about you and not want to hurt you.


Edited by chambers (07/27/12 04:30 PM)

Top
#404990 - 07/27/12 09:48 AM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1123
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Dad left us when I was 10. Mom was an alcoholic and rarely home. I had no males in my life. I had a best friend (Rick) and he was cool, but mom ended that when she thought he stole money from her.

The next kid I met was a bully I was fearful of at school, but he was being nice to me. Showing me attention. That lead to all kinds of sexual, emotional and physical abuse from him. I was 12 and he was 14ish. Almost twice my size.
_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

Top
#404994 - 07/27/12 10:15 AM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Well a couple things made me an easier target for my brother.

1. My father was sick. He had Parkinson's disease and so he wasn't available to be a male role model for me.

2. Due to his sickness, lots of arguments with my parents took place. Lots of yelling, etc. This led to a seperation and ultimately a divorce.

3. I had/have ADD/ADHD like symptoms for as long as I can remember, could have been due to the trauma of my fathers illness/arguments or some other mental illness like depression and anxiety or perhaps ADD

4. Death of my grandmother (on my dads side) and my grandfather (on my mothers side) Grandfather on my fathers side died before I was born. Both of these deaths happened the same year, the year before the abuse started.
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


Top
#404995 - 07/27/12 10:39 AM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Certainly my parent's divorce. They split up when I was 12 because of my mom coming out as a lesbian. Being very homophobic my dad didn't take this well at all and I was subject to verbal and physical abuse from him when I tried to stand up for her and for my right to see her. This led to me running away from home and winding up on the streets of a big city where the sexual abuse began at the hands of adult predators who seek out young boys in such situations.
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


Top
#405005 - 07/27/12 12:23 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1305
Originally Posted By: Martin
What do think opened you up or made you vulnerable to being abused?

Same old story - I was groomed. I was easily seduced - I was taught to be obedient and deferential. I didn't know how to say no. He was older - like a big brother. All the dynamics were in place. But there was more...

There was the weirder dynamic that I was one of the only male victims of this serial molester. When was caught having sex with little 7 and 8 year old girls (while he was also molesting 13-year-old me), the "village elders" decided not to prosecute. I was charged with the duty of keeping him occupied and distracted from the girls, since I was his little sidekick. That's another "same old story," isn't it? The adults never looked close enough to see that I was also a victim; they just never looked more than they had to. Paterno style all the way.

My molester capitalized on that big-time. My whimpering protests would be met with the whisper reminding me of the consequences of not yielding, the harsh urgency of his tone, that he'd have to do it to the girls if he didn't do it to me. I had this huge responsibility to allow him to have me so he wouldn't do it to the others. We were having like this full-fledged sexual relationship probably several times a week and I couldn't find any moral bearings with it - it was dirty and secret and nasty and wrong, yet if I didn't yield then the same thing would be visited on the girls again and he'd get in trouble I would have failed not only the girls but the adults who told me to keep him away from them. And all that would be my fault because I said "no". I had no good choices at 12/13, and I had no one to save me.

The irony is that my dad used to say I was irresponsible. He had no idea about the responsibilities I was carrying, with only a child's capacity to reason through it.

In for a penny, in for a pound. And - like one of the Sandusky victims said - there was just no saying "no" to him. I can't begin to say how much damage this caused to me. I couldn't sort my feelings and responses and had no where to turn. I was just a slight, sensitive, and fragile little kid who felt like the dirtiest little piece of crap in the world. The biggest catharsis I had was the vicarious enjoyment of the Sandusky victims stepping out of their secret, dark, self-imposed solitary confinements and pointing the finger to the REAL monster. Damn! I wish I had that moment...


Edited by Chase Eric (07/29/12 11:00 PM)
Edit Reason: Changed the word "God" to "damn" because it sounded like I was calling God a monster
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#405011 - 07/27/12 02:51 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 838
Loc: Kc,Mo
mother was and is an alcoholic , no father moved from house to house with relatives friends who ever would take me in . So needless to say the love and attention factor was greatly needed and would be found anyway from anyone willing to give it good or bad . This is the case with any neglected human being . We are created to want to be loved and give love when that " love " is distorted we will take that also . Not knowing the "love" and attention we are getting at the time is setting us up for a life time of struggle to find out what real love and attention is suppose to look like , feel like how to give and receive love real love .

So the neglect factor has a big role . Now for those who had love distorted simply because they were in a position of trust that is another reason . The trust factor with such as a priest or something like that but at the same time the parents should always be aware of the people they put int there lives and there children's lives . It is called discernment and one not need to be super spiritual to understand this , let me make it simple
bad vibes ,gut feeling,something told me , . People ignore discernment and it cost big time . The trust factor is more tricky because these are people we are suppose to trust but I trust know one like that . There will never be boyscout camps or staying with such groups overnight anytime ever. My kids have to be at least 12 yrs old to even stay the night at someones house and really I rarely allow that . My kids know why they no the signs they no what to do and ways to do it . So that brings me to my next vulnerability factor . Not preparing children for what could happen , explaining to them the realities of this world we live in. As early as possible and often . Awareness is the key to prevention i mean really who's parents have sat down with them on a regular basis and explained these types of things ? On a level that if something did go down they would know what it was and that it is not love it is not the right kind of attention and there is nothing to be afraid of no matter what the threats on and on . So not being aware that this kind of thing is wrong and explaining that even though they ( the pervs) can talk to and say all the right things that it is never ever right for anyone to touch your down there or for you to touch them or anything that goes along with anything sexual in nature with a child or preteen .

Because even if there are warning signs to a kid we did not no how to respond because they are the adults they must know something we do not . I ignored the gut feeling but i weighed my options and figured some attention was better than no attention . I had no idea what to do with those gut feelings , the something told me ,feelings . Those are to much for a child to process and act on correctly because the one manipulating the situation knows how to correctly counter act those feelings with words and comfort and promises and things .

my 2 cents
_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

Top
#405027 - 07/27/12 04:49 PM Re: What past made us what we are [Re: whome]
Vadrian Offline


Registered: 09/10/11
Posts: 111
Loc: Pacific
Being born through no choice of my own to an incest family did the trick. Naturally I was born vulnerable, we all are. But my mother was also an alcoholic and I was subjected to rampant neglect, physical and emotional abuse in addition to the incest, so naturally I had few real defenses, from relatives or otherwise. Being abandoned by my sister when I was 8 years old--the only person who had showed me any real care or affection also had a huge impact.

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.