The anger within, the blank emotionless stare. Nights go by, and nothing changes. Everyday is exactly the same, I'm trapped within. I want to break these chains that bind me. Any moment I could lash out. So much anger within. I just want to break everything, I feel like exploding. I want to destroy something beautiful. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, I want to cry my eyes out, I want to beat the shit out of myself. I feel like self-destructing. I need to feel alive. I'm sick of being numb, I'm sick of everyday. Pain and sadness is better than the numbness. I can't bring myself to do anything, the rage is trapped inside. It's like an insomnia of emotion. Nothing makes a difference, I have no voice. Nothing I do matters, I'm invisible. It's the most frustrating thing in the world. I have nobody, I'm alone. Maybe I think I deserve it, I feel like the scum of the earth. Sometimes my thoughts scare me, I'm a good person, but a man can only take so much. I want revenge. My mind is being attacked from every perspective, I'm contradictory in my thoughts. I want revenge, but I want to be punished, I want to be happy, but I tell myself I don't deserve it, I failed my parents, but my parents failed me. I beat myself up for my mother's depression, I can't help her. But she couldn't protect me, I can't even remember her when I was young because she was never there. Where do I direct my rage? I'm angry at everything & everyone, including myself. At least if I hurt myself, I can forgive myself. I can understand myself. So I guess I internalize it to myself, because I can take it. I guess that's how I've always been, let it happen to me instead, I can take it. I'm a martyr.
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein