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#404929 - 07/26/12 07:45 PM Can a husband and wife both be on here ?
havenlost Offline

Registered: 07/15/12
Posts: 27
Loc: Alabama
I am finding great help being on this site just the few days I have been on here. I read stories and it is uncanny how they are the same and I mean EXACTLY the same....on both sides....wives who tell their stories and explain their struggles are exactly what I deal with, and survivors stories and what they feel or think or not is exactly what my husband goes through. I am sooo encouraged ( and saddened ) that we have a venue in which to help each other figure it all out, and learn through our trials and triumphs how to reach out and hold someone's hand through this big wide world of confusion and hope.

My question is .....should I tell my husband about this site ? Will both of us be able to receive help, and will our stories clash into each other ? It is really nice to be able to talk freely, and in that, I gain freedom. I would want him to gain the same freedom.

We're at the crossroads of what to do in our marriage, and I am not sure if he has ever accepted the fact that what happened to him was actually abuse, as it is kind of jokingly referred to as if he wanted it, or he was born to want it, which personally, I think is a lie from the pit of hell, and has become his coping mechanism.

I am about to have THE talk with him tomorrow, and have a therapist that will work with him waiting in the wings if he decides he is ready for help. I want him to feel the hope I feel by reading your stories and knowing that hope indeed is alive out there, and I want him to know he is not alone in his feelings or lack thereof, and somebody out there gets it.

I can't see how either one of us could be hindered by being on here together, but I don't want him controlling this too, because I am being helped, and want to be, and if he is not there, he is not there.

Suggestions....? Should I wait until I know he is ready, and will we still have the freedom we need by talking freely ?
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31

#404933 - 07/26/12 08:07 PM Re: Can a husband and wife both be on here ? [Re: havenlost]
scottyg Offline

Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
Well, haven. This site was made for him. It is Male Survivor, right? He is our brother in abuse. You, my friend, are just visiting. So the question is, should YOU still be here once you tell him about MS? I feel for you. I like you as much as I can like an anonymous stranger on a chat board. But the service we render here are not specifically aimed at you. I coach you to do and say the right things so I may attempt to help him.

If he chooses to use this web site (many men register once and rarely return)he will need the veil of privacy and anonymity to feel safe disclosing and exploring his issues. Knowing his wife is also here reading his posts will undermine that. Likewise you have given very specific info about the condition of your house, your cars, etc. that he may see and withdraw.

My super-secret solution is 1. if you truly live in Alabama, change that on the user profile. and 2. Do not discuss your continuing involvement here with him. Lay low... allow him to register here on his own if he wishes. But for the future I would hope you refrain from seeking his posts in forums and keep your own identifying comments to a minimum from here on out.
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

#404940 - 07/26/12 08:56 PM Re: Can a husband and wife both be on here ? [Re: havenlost]
Haps Offline

Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
Oh, Scotty... Where would we be without ya??? smile

I'm quite glad that my survivor has not joined only for the reasons you mentioned. Only now would I feel calm enough to NOT poke around where I don't belong checking up on his "healing". He hasn't dipped his toe into my work at all. My codependent butt wouldn't have resisted temptation before.

Even then... Do you suppose that there would be a way for a survivor to be "scaled back" in terms if what we would have exposure to? I do appreciate the insight that the access to the other side provides, but being locked out of my survivors posts would just be another way to avoid temptation, stay respectful, and keep my focus on me to a healthier extent. smile

#404945 - 07/26/12 09:06 PM Re: Can a husband and wife both be on here ? [Re: havenlost]
scottyg Offline

Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
havenlost, haps:

There is a secure side to Male Survivor that only Members can use once they sign and pay. It is a solution however, from what I gather, the Member side of MS is far less robust than the public side. I feel it is this robust exchange that gives MS its value and for that reason I've never been tempted to become a paying member and hang with the elites. But something is better than nothing so if they get memberships they will be fully protected and secure.

Edited by scottyg (07/26/12 09:06 PM)
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

#404961 - 07/27/12 12:52 AM Re: Can a husband and wife both be on here ? [Re: havenlost]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
What Scotty said, wow this chaps come a long way.
The members side is not =very active, so it wont help as much, there are some posts that have not been answered in days, to me that would signal rejection.

There is a couple that I know that are on here together and they will probably PM you and let you know. It is not a good idea to let every one know who.
You could also have it as a secret, he does not have to know your avatar and you his.
It is a great tool for survivors and their spouses but chances are that he wont join. There is a lot of fear of the unknown for him and there is also the fear of exposure for him.
People will see that he is not the perfect person he has tried to portray.
But that said dont give up. Its worth it.

Heal well
PS Good luck for the talk

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#404975 - 07/27/12 06:06 AM Re: Can a husband and wife both be on here ? [Re: havenlost]
Dar Offline

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
Scotty, Martin, I do indeed see your points(and they are good points) as to why someone wouldnt want to be here with their spouse.

But.................Why wouldnt you want your spouse on here with you if you truly wanted to heal?
Why wouldnt you want your spose to know how you are feeling and what is going on in our confused head? Isn't that part of the healing process, to be open and forth coming with the past?
And the biggest thing for him is to see how his actions have hurt the people that love him the most.

As far as not telling the spouse that you are also on here, I beleive would be a mistake. Why try to manipulate them like they possibly have manipulated their spouse.Enough of lies. Two wrongs don't make a right. If you want honesty, then you have to be honest too in my mind.

Some people can say things better on paper than they can say face to face.

The spouse of the the survivor must also do the hard work of being a supporter while trying to heal their own wounds that may have been inflicted on them.

I agree that this site is for the male survivors, and I have learned so much from the supportters on here that I feel I wouldnt be as far along in my healing if it wasn't for them telling their stories and asking the hard questions. It awakens me to my past actions and helps me to see the future of what I want to become.
All I ever wanted was a hug.

#404978 - 07/27/12 07:14 AM Re: Can a husband and wife both be on here ? [Re: havenlost]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3739
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Havenlost,
this is not easy question. In my humble opinion this site should be equally open/available to family members/friends as well as survivors. We all need some support and this is good place to get that.
Secondly this should be something between two adults meaning that some rules and wishes should be respected on equal terms.
Maybe it will be good for start to wait and see if your husband is ready for getting some help and maybe a little bit more to wait to see how things would develop further. And when you'll be ready (after done some work on co-dependency) you could tell him.
And as I know there is same part of board exclusively reserved for family members/friends, please somebody correct me if I'm wrong?
So maybe there is way to post some important and possible hurting issues and ask for support by avoiding to interfere to each other.
But you could think also to connect to some of people here and to have closed discussion trough PMs, that could also be helpful, you could include many members in discussion smile
And at the end there is possibility for you two to not show your identities if you both would think about that as good and safer option?
Just my 2 cents.
My story

#404979 - 07/27/12 07:41 AM Re: Can a husband and wife both be on here ? [Re: havenlost]
Gretta Offline

Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 240
I agree with Pero in all things said.

I think many wives come to the site first and then suggest it to their husbands. My husband and I have been on here for more than a year and I utilize it more than him. We didn't share our identities (at first) and as you stated many of our stories are alot alike. My husband has connected with a support group from the site and I think he communicates with them more than the actual site. They have been so helpful, but in the end he didn't seek that out, I did for him. I actually talked to the coordinator (who was awesome) and discussed my husband. I did the prep work and when he was ready he took the step, but would NEVER had I not suggested it.

Whereas this is Male survivor, my male wouldn't have survived without my love and support. His family sucked and let him down on levels that cannot be described. There were nights/days where I wouldn't have been able to handle it without the unbelievable love, support and advice of those in Friends and family.

Good luck this is not a journey for the faint of heart. Gretta

#404983 - 07/27/12 09:07 AM Re: Can a husband and wife both be on here ? [Re: havenlost]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5954
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Certainly it is possible, my wife and I have separate accounts on MaleSurvivor. I found MS in December '09, she joined a bit later.

When my discovery that sexual abuse was the reason I was chaotic and self destructive, I began to seek out help online. I found some gender mixed sites, and those were helpful, but not specific to my needs. I needed a man's site, wholly dedicated to men surviving. The type of abuse I suffered, sexual, religious, physical and emotional was almost exclusively women, four to be exact versus one man. When the search led me to MaleSurvivor, I felt I was home.

A former member here suggested some incredible reading material, and I began the journey. My wife of 20 years at the time and I began reading the material, and were making some progress until she discovered her own sexual abuse as a minor. She began to withdraw, and I wanted to continue, so my recovery separated as I delved deeper into the causation and relief this site, research and application afforded. I feel it is important to note that most of my recovery was done separate of my wife. When I tried to interact with her, she became overwhelmed, feeling that my changes were a threat to our marriage, feelings of rejection. She became "friends" with our children attempting to make connections she felt would support her in the event we were separated. She offered this recently, and I support her decisions fully as those were chaotic times. I went into myself, absorbed and centered on what I had been dissociating from for decades. I was not available for her needs and she is a very capable woman. Fortunately as I began to act less impulsively, listening and respecting her, as well as healing from the female abuse, I was able to see her innocently and respect her for her struggle. She responded to those changes and is now beginning her own recovery, with encouragement as the female supporters here have had experience in with their male survivors. My female survivor is feeling the relief that began with MaleSurvivor some 2 and a half years ago.

At some point, a male survivor may need to go inside of himself. A true individual will need to take stock of him or herself and discover what their strengths are, and how they interact in a relationship. As this site is wholly dedicated to overcoming the victimization of male survivors, as it has been pointed out, the supporter may need to find relief and support to understand what their survivor needs from them. It may not always be possible here, however we will do what we can in this medium to support the supporters, a very important part of the survivor recovery.

This is NOT couple's therapy, but rather a support group for men, so the information shared on this board and perhaps by your survivor should NOT be taken personally. I have said things that I needed to say about my supporter that were not fair nor respectful, however I needed to push through the present feelings in order to find the abuse controls and repair them properly. I do not feel the same as I did when I uttered those thoughts, the abuse controls have been repaired, my perspective is 180 degrees changed as the real issues have been resolved, and the relationship intact. My wife has forgiven me my debts to her, and I show my appreciation for her support and encouragement.

It is inevitable that some of the things above will happen to member's here, and it is important to realize that the changes you seek in your relationship may not always be exactly how you envision them, nor may the outcome be as you feel it should. It is important to understand you are allowing maturity and individualism in a human being, and while that should be appreciated, it may not be at first, nor ultimately what you plan. What you have asked for and what you may come to understand may not be to your liking, to your wish or goal, nor may it be to your advantage. What it will be is whatever progress, continuation or process the survivor can muster, and he will inevitably decide how to proceed. In the end, the supporter may initially show how a survivor can be free of the abuse controls, but the survivor must continue the journey.

I wish you much clarity in the proceedings you are seeking, the rewards are wonderful, the change can create anxiety, but through it all, you as a supporter and your desire to bring enlightenment to a suffering human is the best a human can be, thank you from a former survivor.

MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#405016 - 07/27/12 03:15 PM Re: Can a husband and wife both be on here ? [Re: havenlost]
GoodHope Offline

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 426
Tread lightly. I violated my husbands trust on this site. He did not want me to know who his abuser(s) are. He visits rarely, posts even less, but he put his survivor story on here. I read it. I confessed and apologized immediately but I couldn't help but feel like the perps--what should have been a safe place for him, I intruded on. I changed my name on here, didn't tell him and continue to post (with his permission) and while what I share on here is not private, I'm not sure it would be helpful for him to know it. Many of the feelings I share, pass. So if he got on here and read my dispair (which is real) but didn't understand that 2 days free that post I felt hopeful again, I'm not sure it would be conducive for his healing. If my husband would USE thi site, you'd never hear from me again. I want so badly for him to connect w other survivors in the way that i have connected w survivor wives. It's been life saving and changing.

Tread lightly.
Wife of a survivor

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