Newest Members
journey4two, VASurvivor, jayceemac, rwolf, FindingNemo
12328 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Alicia (55), bubblytam (56), crazydragon (39), JGag78 (36), kris82 (32), Shin (28)
Who's Online
2 registered (YYZGIRL, tbkkfile), 19 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12328 Members
74 Forums
63396 Topics
443251 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#404915 - 07/26/12 05:43 PM Not So Tough......
havenlost Offline


Registered: 07/15/12
Posts: 27
Loc: Alabama
Well, I blew it today. I have been waiting for the moment where the conversation would resume again between my husband and I, and today was the day.

There is something that I recognize in him, when he saunters around everywhere, he's inadvertently trying to come up with ways to manipulate, but for those ways not to seem like manipulation.

He is back in "happy face mode" after the last big breaking of glass and tiles...which is simply winding up for the next big episode. I wonder what he's got his eye on next to break ?

So first it was he didn't want to take the laundry out without asking me first, then he said he could just put it in the dryer. OK am I the only one that sees how manipulative even that is ? If this were a normal relationship, that would not have phased me, I would think he is trying to be considerate of me, but living this life I have to second guess everything. It is a terrible way to live. So I go do what he just suggested. That made me feel like a robot.

Next, that opened up talking between us. In these scenarios, nothing of anything that just recently happened is ever brought up or discussed. It is swept under a rug like it never took place. I know I should stop that. I went back to my room and closed the door. He knocked on the door twice, and I got up
(it was early and I hadn't really woke up yet) and he said something about having to go to work for a meeting with his supervisor, then he asked if I needed anything while he was out. I said no, then he said what about bread ? I said yes. Then he said they got a memo at work that said a lady's husband got killed. I then told him about a terrible car crash that I saw coming back form taking my Mom to the park yesterday, and that it was really bad and it tore me up to see something like that, that I wanted to jump out and help them in some way. He then said ..."Can I take the car ? " I knew instantly that his sole purpose in talking to me, was to take the car. He did not care about that poor husband or the wife and kids left behind, or who those poor people were in that awful crash I saw. His whole meaning of talking to me at all, was all about him. I had NO in my mind, and then I thought, well, I won't be going anywhere right now, and it is very hot out there, and I didn't want him to burn up, so here I was being concerned about his needs instead of my own. I knew as soon as I said "go ahead" and he left out of here like "I did it to her again," that I had once again let him disrespect me. We have had the conversation that he is not thinking of my well-being just to take the car and leave me stranded here, and for awhile that works, but I think he gets to thinking he can do anything he wants, and he does. It isn't a matter of if I am going to use the car or even need it, it is I am his wife and he wants me to be safe and doesn't want to keep taking from me, and leaving me without. Anything could happen, and also my Mom is here right now too. He has a truck which I can not drive, so it is again control and hurt.

I had my chance to stand up to him and I did not. I once again let him hurt me, and use me and start this cycle all over again. Here I was crying when he left, thinking how am I ever going to change this if I cannot stop being the sacrificing one, and making sure all of his needs are met, and make him accountable for his actions ? It would never occur to me to leave somebody without transportation, I would sooner walk through the blistering desert.

I have GOT to be stronger.

The good news....hopefully....is tomorrow at 4 pm we are having a big talk about where we are going from here. I have a therapist willing to take him on, and I am going to say the things that need to be said, and going to tell him what I need.

It will either work or it won't.

Something HAS to change around here.

I am also taking everyone's advice on here. I will do the best I can at this "meeting."
_________________________
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31

Top
#404920 - 07/26/12 06:48 PM Re: Not So Tough...... [Re: havenlost]
Haps Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
Haven,

Best of luck with everything for sure. Never an easy conversation. I'm considering a similar stance myself.

First, though, you CAN be stronger. Do you believed that truly? I ask only as a result of my own situation and seeing how my own (already fondling prior to the relationship!) self-esteem took a beating. Just know you CAN be strong.

On the "strength" topic, I realized that I wasn't strong myself. How did that look to my P? What were we doing was working as best we knew, but I'm finding that as my strength grows 1) I feel better about myself, and 2) I help reinforce (thru love) that healing is possible. My P is VERY smart - I know he sees it. I even think he might be intrigued by what it would be like for himself, but he's got to find his own for himself.

Second, do you have your support system in place, too? I see you've got his a T all lined up, but where is yours? wink

You love your guy. That's obvious. Now be sure to love yourself the same way. wink

Top
#404923 - 07/26/12 07:17 PM Re: Not So Tough...... [Re: havenlost]
shortieg Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 58
As we have talked a little, you know what I have been doing..

I stood up to him, I told him exactly what I felt and that I was not going to stand for it any longer. I set ground rules, that I expect to be kept. Did I want to throw up after saying this?? You betcha.. I was scared out of my living mind.

He took it how I did NOT expect, he came down a level and talked to me and told me his side. I feel stronger each day I push back, each day I have more power over my life. Each day I refuse to get stepped on or left behind..
I have faith if you give yourself enough courage to fly, you will..

Top
#404928 - 07/26/12 07:42 PM Re: Not So Tough...... [Re: havenlost]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
ummm... you'll have to forgive me but I am not seeing a real manipulaive power play right now based on your above sketch of recent events. Doesn't mean it isn't there, I'm wrong all the time, ask my wife. But wanting to take a car (with an AC?) rather than and old truck without and appearing a bit dismissive during a morning chat are not on par with the acts you have describe before.

Now, your reaction to these things speaks to the hypervigilance that I recall you've used to describe yourself. So, I get that based on all the cycles of hurt and manipuation you are extra sensitive to perceived manipulations. In your post you weighed some reasonable motivations for your husband to do what he's done. That is great. Do more of that. Challenge your thinking. Really look for evidence that he is manipulating. Don't just assume every act is a manipulation because he's been pegged.

Let me tell you a little secret: All men ignore their wives sometimes. I am a repeat offender. My wife's been away for a week and when she called to check in I was into a movie at the time. I was all "yeah... yeah... gotta go ...great. Bye. Does that make me a manipulator? You are not on a solid ground with your husband so every act seems like it has ulterior motives. I ask you to suspend judgement on these petty issues.

And suspend those harsh judgements on yourself, haven. We tell survivors that recovery is never going to be as fast as you think it should be. That is what I am telling you now. Let yourself off the hook for not being "strong enough" right this minute. There is strength in loving yourself and forgiving yourself. That's been harder for me than standing up.

Finally, you are looking to show strength and become empowered. I am going to make a series of inferences in my next suggestion. If the reason you cannot drive his truck is it is manual and you only drive automatic transmission, then empower yourself to learn. If you have a disbalility preventing you from doing so, please ignore my comments. But if its simply a matter of learning the skill. You can do that. I am a klutz who can't walk and chew gum. If I can drive a stick, you can.

Plus, taking demonstrative steps to change the situation on your terms sends the signal that you are ready to take control of your life and you will not simply allow things to happen to you.

-scott
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

Top
#404944 - 07/26/12 09:03 PM Re: Not So Tough...... [Re: scottyg]
havenlost Offline


Registered: 07/15/12
Posts: 27
Loc: Alabama
Scott...Scott...Scott....How did I know for certain that you would chime in on this one ? As I was writing the words to this post, I said to myself, "Scott will respond to this one and totally disagree with me," and here you are.

You're very perceptive, I will give you that. You are right in thinking I am extra sensitive...I, in fact, call myself ULTRA sensitive. Yes, it can be a hindrance, as well as a positive quality. Now, you're helping me so much, and again, I thank you. That being said, let me go on....

That ULTRA sensitivity got me here. I care deeply. Probably too much, if that is possible. It leaves me wide open for troublesome individuals to come along and play that side of who I am. I am not an open book in relationships, in fact, I let them talk and talk and talk, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out if you are around a caring person. My husband is not stupid. In fact, he's very smart. Something I liked about him from the beginning. That however, makes him a great manipulator. I am not normally a very suspicious person. I think I have always been cautious, obviously not enough, but didn't go around thinking that everything anyone said or did was untrustworthy. Kind of one of those things like, you give them the benefit of the doubt that they are who they say they are, and don't think about it twice, until one days things don't fit right within their words and actions.

There must be something about getting married that spills everything out into the open. I heard whispers about "a master plan," heard things like "I wanted to make you bad girl," and I wanted to take God out of you." I could go on, but you get the picture.

It is because of these words, and countless horrible actions done to me over the years, that I am indeed extra sensitive to his motives about why he does and says everything. When he gets some help, even admits he needs some help, I will more than happy to give him some slack.

Until then....

The RADAR is UP !!!!
_________________________
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31

Top
#404949 - 07/26/12 09:24 PM Re: Not So Tough...... [Re: havenlost]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
The only reason I bring it up is because I'm a big picture guy. I would never insult you by claiming to understand your situation or the pain you're going through with this guy. Frankly there was much about the original post I did not understand, lacking context.

My point to you is choose your battles. Maybe the car was a manipulation, maybe the laundry was a manipulation. They are small potatoes given the actions this guy has shown he is capable of. So perhaps my message about the benefit of the doubt is off. But the overall tacticts need to benefit you and keep you safe.

BTW, I like to endulge mysel by considering my intellect far greater than my wife's. I have vast amounts of useless knowledge on any number of esoteric subjects. But she wins almost everytime becuse she's calm and collected and she's right. Damn her.
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

Top
#404964 - 07/27/12 01:14 AM Re: Not So Tough...... [Re: havenlost]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Sounds all to familiar, but I was the one doing the manipulating.

Good luck for the talk and don't set to high an expectation, and watch for the manipulation.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#404989 - 07/27/12 09:47 AM Re: Not So Tough...... [Re: havenlost]
silentspouse Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 24
Loc: ID
I think spouses of survivors have to be ultra sensitive to any sort of manipulation by their husbands to protect themselves. My husband manipulated me in order to cover up his acting out. Now, even though he's "sober", I still wonder about his motivation when he says things to me. I don't think this is unusual, just a sad side-effect of this sort of relational trauma.

On the same note, I would expect a survivor in recovery who is actively trying to repair his relationship to try as hard as possible to be transparent.

I certainly struggle with trusting that my husband is being honest with me about his thoughts, feelings, and actions. He is also struggling to identify and share his feelings, and to talk through his thoughts out loud so I know where he's coming from.

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.