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#404726 - 07/25/12 04:34 AM Re: Almost at the end of my rope [Re: patientlywaiting]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
i was wrong before. Let's see if I can be wrong twice in one thread. DANGER Clueless2 DANGER. You are right to want equity in this relationship. Some one is testing how much you will put up with. You need to push back. I see you apologizing for manipulative behaviors and it scares me. I am not normal but I play normal on TV. I do not mircomanage my partners texts and calls. I do not demand every descision to be on my terms. Why not? Because I am through trying to manipulate people. These are the behaviors of somebody with boudary issues. Meaning he does not recognize yours. Be careful not clueless.
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#404737 - 07/25/12 09:01 AM Re: Almost at the end of my rope [Re: patientlywaiting]
patientlywaiting Offline


Registered: 06/07/12
Posts: 16
Loc: New York
scottyg, I wish that you had been right! I'm going to pick up the co-dependent book that's been mentioned on multiple forums here. It seems like the easiest route to just leave him, but I've always taken this route. Yes, he has done some terrible shit in the last week. Yes, he is in great need of getting into therapy. Yes, WE are in need of therapy. It looks as though I wasn't nearly as close to the end of my rope as I thought when I first made this post.
Clueless2-he's never been controlling when it comes to know who I'm calling or texting. That combined with his extreme secrecy about his cell phone makes me concerned that he's up to something. This is a behavior that my ex displayed, and he ended up being a big-time cheater! With a CSA survivor, it may be his way of control, but maybe not. I didn't know about my partner's past until about 2 years into our relationship. I will reiterate what scottyg said, be careful.

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#404738 - 07/25/12 09:07 AM Re: Almost at the end of my rope [Re: patientlywaiting]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear Clueless,

1. If he is secretive about his phone, I would make a well-educated guess it's because he's doing something on the phone he doesn't want you to know about.

2. Marriage is a great institution, IF YOU PICK THE RIGHT MAN FOR THE JOB OF HUSBAND. If he doesn't want to get married, he's not the right man for the job, and you might as well be thinking about who's a good divorce lawyer while you're picking china patterns.

3. I'm here because of a friend. He's on a cycle also. Read 1 above. What's on his phone could be very revealing. If you look at it and don't like what you see, DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. IT'S NOT PERSONAL. It's the result of the trauma he suffered.

4. If you want to be married, FISH OR CUT BAIT. I recommend you read "Mars and Venus on a Date" by John Gray. And, believe it or not, "The Rules" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.

There's so much you don't understand about this, unless you're willing to spend hundreds of hours learning about it AND enduring near constant disappointment, I'd move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

D.


Edited by Disappointed (07/25/12 09:27 AM)
Edit Reason: Additional thought.
_________________________
Female.

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#404747 - 07/25/12 11:35 AM Re: Almost at the end of my rope [Re: patientlywaiting]
Clueless2 Offline


Registered: 07/25/12
Posts: 9
Thanks, scottyg, patientlywaiting and disappointed. I had never posted before now and just found the website a few weeks ago. I am really wondering about his phone now. A few days ago, I went to use his bathroom and he barged in on me because he had left his phone in there. It sounds like we need to have a heart to heart. Although he tells me I can tell him anything, he is hard to approach.

I wonder how much of his behavior is CSA and how much can be assigned to other factors. His withdrawing really gets to me. I tried to tell him in a text, but he didn't really get it. He says what was all that about? I decided that I really can't say anything of any substance unless it is in person. Too many ways for my words to be misinterpreted. Sometimes I will ask a question and he will ignore me. From the beginning it was difficult for him to look me in the eye, but he is getting better at it. I have to be careful about what I say because he gets upset about stuff in ways that I don't really get.

I don't have anything to hide. I am 5 years into my own recovery from a long term marriage to an unfaithful man, so I am sensitive about anything that feels disloyal. I don't feel that, but things just don't add up. Sometimes I feel really positive about where we are headed, and at other times like now because he is shutting me out, I think why am I doing this? Being shut out feels too much like rejection and abandonment and I don't cope with that really well because of my history.

My issue is this. I have worked really hard to accept him where he is at, love him, be a support, not push, be trustworthy, demonstrate loyalty, etc. In so many ways he is a really good man. Yet, you all are encouraging me to confront, set boundaries, and give him a choice.

Will accountability feel like manipulation and control to him? Will this set him back in his recovery?

I have had all this in my heart and head with no one to really talk about it who might understand.

Thanks,

C2

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#404753 - 07/25/12 01:20 PM Re: Almost at the end of my rope [Re: patientlywaiting]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
Are you a fixer? Do you grvitate toward puppy-dog men who are in need of your help? I wonder because that is exactly what you've got here. I like extended mataphors so I will bore you with one now.

A new relationship with a CSA guy is like an electical fire in a dirty old toaster. You know, all the shit builds up in the bottom and they'll smoke and burn and catch fire eventually if they're never dealt with. That is where you are at right now C2. It smells funny and there are some plumes of smoke. And you're asking, should I keep making toast? Lets say you ignore the signs. You keep moving along the current trajectory of the relationship. You keep making toast. After a while all that shit burning deep down inside will set the whole appliance on fire. You have an electrical fire now. Confused, panicked, not knowing what to do, you throw water on it. Water conducts electricity so now you've got sparks and bigger flames... it's getting out of control. There is a fire extinguisher that will work to control the destruction. You can see it, point to it, hold it in your hands. But you cannot use it. Only he can use it to stop the burning and that's only if he wants to use it. Some of us are in such denial with a straight face we say, what fire? There are others among us here that are still watching the flames spread as this destruction takes ove the entire house. Sometimes it doesn't end till the house is burned to the ground.

So yes. He is a manipulative child who wants it his way always. He will say your confrontation demanding him to address his issues, seek help and heal are a diabolical manipulation. It will not go over well. Your strength is you come from a place of love and you are on the side of righteousness. He says you can tell him anything. Be honest. Tell him you are deeply concerned. Tell him you want to help. Tell him you know you can't. Tell him that he and ONLY he holds the key to his greater happiness. Tell him that happiness and healing come through therapy and support. Tell him you will be there for him as he heals. Tell him you'll support him in his journey. Tell him he is not alone, that we are waiting with open arms on MS. Tell him this is the only answer. Tell him you will not be manipulated. Tell him you will not allow secrecy. Tell him you have heard the forcast and it is dire. Tell him you will provide that shelter if he will only allow himself to heal. Tell him you will not waste your time on a child who won't man up. It gets real around here...life's too short to endure unnecessary pains. It's timeto make hard choices C2.

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#404762 - 07/25/12 02:05 PM Re: Almost at the end of my rope [Re: patientlywaiting]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear Clueless2,

I didn't suggest you confront.

D.
_________________________
Female.

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#404800 - 07/25/12 09:05 PM Re: Almost at the end of my rope [Re: Disappointed]
Clueless2 Offline


Registered: 07/25/12
Posts: 9
Disappointed,

I don't know how I can set boundaries without a confrontation. Or how I can ask him about the phone secrecy without confronting him. Suggestions?


Edited by Clueless2 (07/25/12 09:08 PM)

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#404802 - 07/25/12 09:14 PM Re: Almost at the end of my rope [Re: scottyg]
Clueless2 Offline


Registered: 07/25/12
Posts: 9
No, I am not a fixer. Used to be, but have been working on my own recovery for about 5 years. I can't fix anyone. That is why I have left things alone for so long. Hoping and praying that with acceptance and support he would continue to heal.

My heart is heavy and I don't think a happy ending is in my future.

Thanks for the suggestions on what to say to him.

C2

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#404888 - 07/26/12 01:04 PM Re: Almost at the end of my rope [Re: patientlywaiting]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
I don't know either of you, but just from what I have gathered:

He's not giving you what you want. Start dating other men as well. Just explain this relationship isn't going in the direction you believe is in your best interest long term (baby without husband - or house loan with unmarried co-signers - or whatever your belief is), and you love him, but no longer wish to be exclusive with him. You're going to date other men as well.

This is not an ultimatum or confrontation. Just a statement the relationship isn't working out as you'd hoped, and you're going to see what else is out there.

Then see if he starts changing in order to persuade you he is the one for him.

Don't settle on his terms if they're inadequate.
D.

P.S. Read the books. Seriously.
_________________________
Female.

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#404889 - 07/26/12 01:06 PM Re: Almost at the end of my rope [Re: patientlywaiting]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Also, I wouldn't call him or text him or anything. Let him call you, text you, etc.

Let him come to you.
_________________________
Female.

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