I'm new and I don't know how to start this so I'll just write.

I know there are thousands of stories here like mine, thousands of "us". I don't get the why, and never will. I'm a survivor. My abuse started when I was around 5 or 6, and continued for some 13 years till I was big enough to stop it (mostly) and left home. My family doesn't know about the predators, but they sure know about the verbal and physical stuff at home. No one talks about it, and I don't get that either. There is a lot I don't get and it bites. The predators stole my innocence, but they could not take it all away and that part I still have inside. I will not give into hate, or "they" will win.

I had a counselor but can't afford one now because I'm unemployed. I'll get back to it but at least I'm here. At least now I know I am not defined by who and what the bad people told me I was. I was not made for the things they said I was made for, that stuff they said was the only thing I'd ever be good for. I also learned from my counselor that it does not matter anymore where I have been, only where I'm going. I'm not sure where that is yet, but I can come here. Sometimes things here make me cry, but I'm glad I found this place. The shadows can leave me alone now, and I hope they figure that out soon. They are not going to win.

Buffalo,

You're a great writer, and you have a strong spirit.

It's been great talking with you in the chat room, and this is a great first post on which to build.

People don't like to talk about it because their afraid of facing what we face every day. The taboo keeps them silent. It's our job to break the taboo and force the normals to confront reality. It's not always easy, but you'll do fine.

You're my brother.

Jim

Welcome, Buffalo!
You are in a good place here and it sounds like you have a good outlook. I agree that we cannot let the shadows win.
Your story resonates with me deeply. I too, was abused from the age of six until I left home. Lots of verbal / physical abuse as well. I continue to struggle with "owning" that part of me that is good and strong.
I wish you all the best in your healing path!

Good job neighbor!
I must agree - you write very well - and I too have enjoyed conversations with you in Chat.

I look forward to hearing more from you - whether in chat or in posts. You are a valuable person - as you are now finding out.

Welcome!

Glad you are here Buffalo

G

Thanks guys. Writing is one of my real talents, but even writing that much hurt. Am not sure about my outlook and spirit somedays but I'll get there. They can't take that away from me either.

Hi BuffaloCO,
welcome to male survivor!
Many of us have occasionally struggles with our spirits. Healing is journey that sometimes looks like one step forward and two back. Sometimes reading some hurtful stories can be triggering, please think how to find tempo that suites you best in your healing avoiding negative impacts. Many of us are very sensitive and we have to look for ourselves occasionally.
Here is notice "Your First Steps to Get Help" for new members, please read it, maybe it would be helpful:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/docs/FirstStepstoGetHelp.doc
Be aware that we are offered some additional tools here, like regular chat, moderated chats called Healing circle - it is kind of group work. Please consider sometimes to check it and see if it suites you. And there is a list of good books: http://www.malesurvivor.org/bookstore.html
and articles:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/adult-survivors.html
Beside that please look further for answers and share as much as possible; isolation is something that hurts us a lot so try to connect to brothers survivors
Healing is possible!
Pero

Hey man,
good to chat with you some. I applaud you for taking the step and reaching out to this community of others who can offer support and encouragement as needed, and also offering from yourself the same.

Thank you for sharing, and I hope you experience a world of healing in your life from your pain...

Peace

Hi Buffalo, Thanks for the introduction. You're tkaing some great steps here.

Thanks again everyone. Maybe I can write a poem. My T had me write my story out in more detail and she thinks I should try to get it published. I would have to do that anonymously as my family doesn't know about the perps and I don't want them to know. They know about the stuff at home and that's bad enough. I thought writing it would help too but I can't figure out if it has. So it is like some weird journey. Really, I just wish all of it would go away and I could be normal whatever that is, but realistically I know it won't, can't go away. At least here people get that.

Buffalo,

I am just now starting to write my story too. I know what you mean about not knowing if it's helping. In some ways it seems to be counterproductive, in that it is dragging up old memories I thoughtI had put to bed long ago. I guess I hadn't...

Keep plugging along as they say.
Peter.

Buffalo & Afldman -

i wrote my story at my therapist's request and at first i didn't like where it was taking me. but in the end it made a huge difference in my progress. sure, it stirred up some long-dormant memories and brought some to the surface that were well-buried (but not dead!) but it also helped me put together some things and understand lots of the dynamics in my family and social setting that made lots of sense once i get it figured out. so - my suggestion is - keep at it. i think it will be worth your time and effort.

Lee

Hey Buffalo --

I've only been on board a couple weeks. If nothing else, it's reassuring to know there are lots of us guys out there. So, welcome!

One piece of advice I took to heart was not to read too many posts at once.

The other comment I have is about counseling. It seems likely to me that as a surivor of CSA you may have access to free counseling in your community, an option I've had to explore myself. In my case, it's provided by county government and they have therapists experienced in CSA. (My understanding, too, is that whatever is said in session is covered under medical privacy laws...which is very important to me).

It's only been a few days since I made the inquiry and they took some very basic information from me. So I can't tell you about the quality of therapy yet.

Again, Buffalo, I can't say I'm glad you're here - none of us is particularly GLAD to be here - but glad you showed up.

Thanks all. I'll figure a way back into T so I can keep sorting. I can write 2 and know it's a real gift, not like the ones they told me I had. Will keep going and I'm glad I'm here.

Does anyone else feel like there are questions you can't get the answers to because you don't even know the questions? People get mad at me or annoyed because I can't share details about me. Keeping stuff to my self is the only way I've ever stayed partly safe, and I'm afraid to share. Sharing triggers me bad and that makes me more afraid, and I don't know how to sort it out. I know it's a trust thing, but how can you ever get to the point where you trust fully? That risks loosing what good there is left in me I think, and if I lose that what happens next. This process bites, but at least I know I'm better then I was before, but how I'm better is something I'm not even sure of and I don't know how it can end.

And when something triggers you why don't people get that? I am learning about triggers here but it seems like sometimes you say "trigger" and it goes over people. I fear learning more about triggers because I don't know how many I have. Maybe learning about them helps you deal with them, my former T told me something like that. I guess you can't ignore them. I hate confusion and not understanding so much sorry.

Hey Buffalo, just take it easy.
Don't push yourself to anything. You have to feel good and safe to disclose your issues. Please follow your inner feelings no matter what others could think/say.
I didn't have such problems. However I couldn't talk openly about some my problems related to watching porn, so I've found one good buddy and trough PMs I discussed everything that bothered me with him. I've felt huge relief after that.
Just write and talk about something that is not so troublesome and take your time!!!!
Pero (Igor)

One of the things that you're feeling, Buffalo, is that your inner defense mechanisms are on high alert because of the abuse. It makes it more difficult for us to share or be like the normals because they don't understand that we're constantly on-guard against something that is invisible to them.

I am able now to recognize when I am feeling something that is irrational. That is, I understand that I'm not in danger but my body is gearing up for fight-or-flight, looking for exits, body temp rising, heart racing, etc.

While I know this is irrational, I also can't help it. So, it becomes a process of respecting that inner warning mechanism but also letting it know that things are OK now, mostly, and that it can calm down if it wants to.

Don't worry about the normals not understanding about triggers. They don't get it and won't get it because they aren't triggered like we are. That's what MS is for and what Therapy is for, and group therapy if you can find it.

I just found a local group therapy spot that isn't exactly what I'm looking for -- but just being able to talk to a group about the issues we keep bottled up inside us is very helpful.

Until you get back into T or into a group, we are here for you and will always be here for you. Because you are our brother.

I'll try to write more and follow my inner feelings about sharing details. Just am not there yet and won't be made or tricked into doing it. Got made to do stuff and tricked before, and Im not falling for it again. My problem with triggers is not with normals, it's with other survivors who you would think would get it. Right now I just feel like wrapping that security blanket more tightly around me than anything else, but I know a better plan is to get back to a T. Can do that once Im back in school again and get another job. At least I can come here.

Just breathe, man. You're doing fine.

Everything at your own pace. You'll get through this.

You said "They are not going to win".


Damn Right! The shadows have covered us too long.

Update: It's been over a month now since I found this site and I'm glad I did. People here get me, and understand a lot of the things that I still don't understand yet but I want to. My last counselor got some funds donated to pay for counseling, and I start again with her next week. I'm down for that as I so much want to keep moving forward, no matter how tough that is. I also wrote 3 poems now and that helps too. Was talked into trying and I'm glad I did. They are not easy to write, but once I get them out of my head I feel better, so it's like moving forward too. I know I have to much living ahead to give up now, so I'm not giving up. Thank you everyone for caring. I feel safe here, and understood too.

I am in my second week of counseling now, back again after a year off. It is going well and is giving me a lot of hope. I'm updating this as I cant really believe almost 1000 people have read my intro. I dont see my self as unique, but I do see myself as getting healed and I know I'll be free of all this. I believe we can all get there too. We are not defined by our abuse or what the abusers said we were. I believe too that our experiences have given us a strength to overcome the past. I will continue to move forward!

Hey Buffalo,
I'm more than happy to know that you are doing some hard work on your healing, just proceed like that further

Pero

Buffalo! GREAT to see you again bro! Real happy you're moving forward. We're absolutely here for you.

Update: Feel like I have run into a stumbling block, maybe two of them and maybe this is why we go to counselors. Several people tell me they look at me and sometimes see "angry dude". My T says I have a right to be angry, and we worked through all of that I thought. Others tell me it's not good to project any anger when you are trying to get a job and back into school. I get frustrated now because I need a job to be able to get back to school to pay for it, and employers tell me I need more school. I was supposed to start school again in August, but lost my scholarship because the eligibility rules changed, so I'm on academic hold till January.

The second thing is worse. I am starting to remember something now about a man I hung out with when I was like 8. I have not thought about him in a long time and all I really remember is that he was always nice to me. He gave me chocolate and rides on a tractor. (He worked on a golf course near our house.) I remember going to his maintenance shop too but I don't remember anything bad ever happening. My T says our minds start to reveal stuff to us as we become ready to understand it. I don't want to go any further with this memory as he was always nice to me as far as I can recall. So I don't know what to do except tell my T about it. It's bad enough remembering what I already do, and really don't want to see any more. How do we know if something really happen? Feeling confused, but I'm not giving up. It's just one more thing on my list of things to learn still about life. I just hate being confused.

I so feel your pain buff. I recently came across a memory that is unpleasant too I try so hard not to think about scary things things I feel might be something I dont want to remember. truth is though there are some good memories too. and I dont know that we can get where we need to be without taking the risk of looking at these things. I really hope that this memory of yours is a hugely positive, wonderful memory but if it is not then we will be here.

(((Buffalo)))

You have a right to some pleasant memories too. Not every memory is something to fear. I just remembered as a pre-CSA kid, walking to town every week with my pocket full of change to buy the latest Superman comic book. They cost 10 cents then. I also loved, Batman, Flash, Green Lantern, Aquaman, and OMG WONDERWOMAN! My first crush. I would wait till I got home to my room to read it, then I would read it over and over. I remember being HAPPY! No one can take that from me.

Jude

Wanted to let you all know my T says we can work on anger. She says she knows it's there and also knows I'm afraid of of it. Getting angry only gets me into trouble, but I think she knows how to deal. That's good because I dont'. She also has me talking to my first guy T tomorrow. I'll do it because my T trusts him and I trust her. It wont be fun, but it will be good for me I'm pretty sure. Ive never talked to any guy in person about specific details, and only a few about being molested in general, and hit/verbally trashed. I talked to him on the phone and he sounds nice, but even that was hard. Still I'll do it, turning back or stopping....neither of those would be good.

On the memory, I don't see anything more there and nothing bad. Herman was just being a genuinely nice man to a little kid who didn't have a lot of love. Today people would say he was trying to groom me, but he had plenty of chances to do whatever he wanted because by the time I met him at like 8, I already know how to perform. He never did anything but be kind, and I'm holding on to that memory as a good one...:)

(((((Buffalo)))))

Sounds like you're in a good place and on the right track. Hopefully you can find a way to direct your anger in a healthy way. Boxing, maybe?

I dont know can't_remember, since I don't see it or haven't found it, maybe I don't recognize it. I'm just afraid of it as anger was always bad before. It is one of those things I don't understand, but I know I have a good T and I think the guy T she wants me to talk to will help too. I have to keep trying to move forward now that I've started and I will. Thanks for your support!

You are absolutely right about a few things:

1) the only way to move is forward once you've broken the seal on recovery, even when it's hard to do; 2) I think seeing a guy T will be good (for me it was the opposite, was easy to tell a man but tougher with a woman T, so we're all different)... and 3) not understanding your emotions is a common CSA survivor trait, and maybe one of the worst.

PM me if you need to, little brother. You know I'm here for you.

Thanks can't_remember, I appreciate it. I don't know why it feels like EVERYTHING has to be a challenge, difficult, etc. But that's life I guess and I choose life. I'll post how it's going in a few weeks unless something miraculous happens and I do believe in miracles from Him.

Finding anger and it bites big time. This can't be good. Have to keep moving forward anyway but I hate this part.

Push threw it Buff... I will go threw it with ya bro.. we cant walk the second mile until we walk the first

Ok, I will push through it and I am not giving up. Maybe once I find the source of it and let it go, that will give me new strength. My T says I have a right to be angry. I don't know how to be angry when I don't even know who they were except that there were at least 5 of them by the time I was 9 years old. So I'll trust my T to show me what I need to do. I trust her, my T, and the new guy she has me talking to even though I didn't want to talk to a guy. She says I need to so I can learn to trust males. I didn't know even that I don't trust males. So I'm learning new stuff I guess, and no way am I going to let this ruin my whole life by stopping even if this hurts a lot right now. Thanks for the support and prayers!

Hey man, kudos to you for feeling the pain and anger and pushing through. May I have the courage to do the same.

There will be an end to the number of steps it takes to get free, but how many I don't know. Now more memories are coming to the surface of what those 4 men in the car did to me when I was 8 or 9. Triggered. This week I saw Hot Wheels in the toy store and their tracks, reminding me those tracks were used to hit me. Triggered. I hate triggers, but I think that only by facing them can I be free of them. I don't know how to deal with them but my T. will. When I learn how to face them down they won't make me cry anymore. I am so tired of crying too, but it will also end someday. I will not let this ruin Christmas for me, never never again!

Sorry to say, December was pretty bad but I'm sticking with my goal above. I am not going to let this stuff ruin my Christmas next year, or any year after that ever again. I am finally going to start working with my new T next week on learning how to stomp out triggers and memories, so they no longer mean anything to me. He says we can get to a point where they no longer make me cry or hurt inside, and I believe him. We have to believe in someone to get through it I think. After that will work on trust, then all the fractal parts of me inside. I don't know how many steps are left, but one step down is one behind.

Keep doing the work BuffCo, you will get there. There's a life as a whole healthy man waiting for you on the other side.

Jude

Thanks Jude, we can not give up and I know that, no matter how hard the challenge feels in the moment. Abuse is something we went through, but I am trying hard to see what I can be and won't let life define me by it anymore.

It feels like this whole process is like some weird onion. You get rid of one layer, and something new comes up and when you get that, anger comes up again with confusion. How did they even find me, figure out they could use me then trade me around? Why did no one notice? How many more of them are left to uncover? Don't know the answers to any of that yet and maybe it doesn't matter now. Now I want to tell my family about "them" and don't know how to start that. Maybe if I tell them they'll get why I was like I was and why I can be sad sometimes now without being able to explain. I don't know how to explain the unexplainable. Am learning how to take on one thing at a time and beat it down. My T says face it to stomp it, so I guess that's one thing at a time. Just feel like I have to go away for a while till I can figure out where I'm at inside. Inside is just very tired.

when it comes to telling, fear is always the worst. no matter how they take it the result is likely to be better because at least the secret is out as you say buff at least then they would be able to understand some things weather they choose to or not. my parents never responded well to my telling but it was just them passive like they always were. it was just a "SO?" kinda response. you are growing so much man and I know the confusion is terrible but I think you are great! you can do this man and on the other side it will be better no matter how they respond

Thanks New, I will keep going forward as the idea of going back, shutting down or whatever just bites. Will be back on in chat when Im more settled. Thanks again

Been a rough couple of weeks. Took two weeks off from T and start again tomorrow. Now I'm wondering what's the point? I mean, what do we do when healed and think of ourselves as a full survivor? I guess it means not hurting like before inside, and moving forward knowing from that point on "it" no longer consumers your life. Right now I can't imagine what that will be like, not having that stuff in my mind so much, but I still believe it is possible. Soon I hope, then I guess I get to start over as a new me whatever or whoever that will be.

This week in T, I held a section of hot wheels track. May not seem like a big deal to most people, but I was spanked at home with those, and beaten with that by a perp when I was like 9. His way of making sure I kept my mouth shut. My T and I had talked about it, and I was totally sure I could hold it now "being all grown up".

He brought out the track and it got me nervous just seeing it. Still I took it, was shaking and started to cry too, but did it for about 45 seconds. Next week, I'll hold it again and the week after and the week after...till it is just a toy and not a symbol of hurt. I think it's a step forward, least as far as I can understand steps being new to T and healing. It's like just one more thing to deal with but my T says face it to stomp it, and I will. Someday will find the end of these steps too. Am not going to give up no matter how much stuff bites having to just face it. I don't want to, but I don't think trying to just push all the stuff away works at all either, and this is working. Has anyone else done this, like used a prop that represents something bad?