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#404860 - 07/26/12 08:04 AM Trying to Start
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
I'm new and I don't know how to start this so I'll just write.

I know there are thousands of stories here like mine, thousands of "us". I don't get the why, and never will. I'm a survivor. My abuse started when I was around 5 or 6, and continued for some 13 years till I was big enough to stop it (mostly) and left home. My family doesn't know about the predators, but they sure know about the verbal and physical stuff at home. No one talks about it, and I don't get that either. There is a lot I don't get and it bites. The predators stole my innocence, but they could not take it all away and that part I still have inside. I will not give into hate, or "they" will win.

I had a counselor but can't afford one now because I'm unemployed. I'll get back to it but at least I'm here. At least now I know I am not defined by who and what the bad people told me I was. I was not made for the things they said I was made for, that stuff they said was the only thing I'd ever be good for. I also learned from my counselor that it does not matter anymore where I have been, only where I'm going. I'm not sure where that is yet, but I can come here. Sometimes things here make me cry, but I'm glad I found this place. The shadows can leave me alone now, and I hope they figure that out soon. They are not going to win.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#404871 - 07/26/12 11:05 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
Buffalo,

You're a great writer, and you have a strong spirit.

It's been great talking with you in the chat room, and this is a great first post on which to build.

People don't like to talk about it because their afraid of facing what we face every day. The taboo keeps them silent. It's our job to break the taboo and force the normals to confront reality. It's not always easy, but you'll do fine.

You're my brother.

Jim
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#404872 - 07/26/12 11:09 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
ACRoberts Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/10
Posts: 242
Loc: New Jersey (recently moved fro...
Welcome, Buffalo!
You are in a good place here and it sounds like you have a good outlook. I agree that we cannot let the shadows win.
Your story resonates with me deeply. I too, was abused from the age of six until I left home. Lots of verbal / physical abuse as well. I continue to struggle with "owning" that part of me that is good and strong.
I wish you all the best in your healing path!
_________________________
Allan
________________________
WOR Sequoia 2011--it has changed my life!

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#404880 - 07/26/12 12:02 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Good job neighbor! smile
I must agree - you write very well - and I too have enjoyed conversations with you in Chat.

I look forward to hearing more from you - whether in chat or in posts. You are a valuable person - as you are now finding out.

Welcome!
_________________________
the story
https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#404894 - 07/26/12 01:49 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 07:29 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#404922 - 07/26/12 07:11 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Thanks guys. Writing is one of my real talents, but even writing that much hurt. Am not sure about my outlook and spirit somedays but I'll get there. They can't take that away from me either.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#404970 - 07/27/12 03:20 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3613
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi BuffaloCO,
welcome to male survivor!
Many of us have occasionally struggles with our spirits. Healing is journey that sometimes looks like one step forward and two back. Sometimes reading some hurtful stories can be triggering, please think how to find tempo that suites you best in your healing avoiding negative impacts. Many of us are very sensitive and we have to look for ourselves occasionally.
Here is notice "Your First Steps to Get Help" for new members, please read it, maybe it would be helpful:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/docs/FirstStepstoGetHelp.doc
Be aware that we are offered some additional tools here, like regular chat, moderated chats called Healing circle - it is kind of group work. Please consider sometimes to check it and see if it suites you. And there is a list of good books: http://www.malesurvivor.org/bookstore.html
and articles:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/adult-survivors.html
Beside that please look further for answers and share as much as possible; isolation is something that hurts us a lot so try to connect to brothers survivors smile
Healing is possible!
Pero
_________________________
My story

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#405061 - 07/28/12 12:10 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
peacemaker67 Offline


Registered: 05/28/12
Posts: 45
Loc: WI
Hey man,
good to chat with you some. I applaud you for taking the step and reaching out to this community of others who can offer support and encouragement as needed, and also offering from yourself the same.

Thank you for sharing, and I hope you experience a world of healing in your life from your pain...

Peace
_________________________
-Love is love when it is free; love is love when others don't feed on you as a "need". If we reach one person with betterment, and in turn that one reaches another, what power we have to change the world."

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#405163 - 07/28/12 11:36 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 342
Loc: Ohio
Hi Buffalo, Thanks for the introduction. You're tkaing some great steps here.

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#405311 - 07/30/12 04:14 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Thanks again everyone. Maybe I can write a poem. My T had me write my story out in more detail and she thinks I should try to get it published. I would have to do that anonymously as my family doesn't know about the perps and I don't want them to know. They know about the stuff at home and that's bad enough. I thought writing it would help too but I can't figure out if it has. So it is like some weird journey. Really, I just wish all of it would go away and I could be normal whatever that is, but realistically I know it won't, can't go away. At least here people get that.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#405323 - 07/30/12 06:57 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
Afldman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/12/12
Posts: 67
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Buffalo,

I am just now starting to write my story too. I know what you mean about not knowing if it's helping. In some ways it seems to be counterproductive, in that it is dragging up old memories I thoughtI had put to bed long ago. I guess I hadn't...

Keep plugging along as they say.
Peter.
_________________________
"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." -Daliai Lama

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#405325 - 07/30/12 07:29 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3460
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Buffalo & Afldman -

i wrote my story at my therapist's request and at first i didn't like where it was taking me. but in the end it made a huge difference in my progress. sure, it stirred up some long-dormant memories and brought some to the surface that were well-buried (but not dead!) but it also helped me put together some things and understand lots of the dynamics in my family and social setting that made lots of sense once i get it figured out. so - my suggestion is - keep at it. i think it will be worth your time and effort.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#405336 - 07/30/12 09:04 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Hey Buffalo --

I've only been on board a couple weeks. If nothing else, it's reassuring to know there are lots of us guys out there. So, welcome!

One piece of advice I took to heart was not to read too many posts at once.

The other comment I have is about counseling. It seems likely to me that as a surivor of CSA you may have access to free counseling in your community, an option I've had to explore myself. In my case, it's provided by county government and they have therapists experienced in CSA. (My understanding, too, is that whatever is said in session is covered under medical privacy laws...which is very important to me).

It's only been a few days since I made the inquiry and they took some very basic information from me. So I can't tell you about the quality of therapy yet.

Again, Buffalo, I can't say I'm glad you're here - none of us is particularly GLAD to be here - but glad you showed up.

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#405391 - 07/31/12 11:42 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Thanks all. I'll figure a way back into T so I can keep sorting. I can write 2 and know it's a real gift, not like the ones they told me I had. Will keep going and I'm glad I'm here.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#406784 - 08/14/12 09:26 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Does anyone else feel like there are questions you can't get the answers to because you don't even know the questions? People get mad at me or annoyed because I can't share details about me. Keeping stuff to my self is the only way I've ever stayed partly safe, and I'm afraid to share. Sharing triggers me bad and that makes me more afraid, and I don't know how to sort it out. I know it's a trust thing, but how can you ever get to the point where you trust fully? That risks loosing what good there is left in me I think, and if I lose that what happens next. This process bites, but at least I know I'm better then I was before, but how I'm better is something I'm not even sure of and I don't know how it can end.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#406787 - 08/14/12 09:31 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
And when something triggers you why don't people get that? I am learning about triggers here but it seems like sometimes you say "trigger" and it goes over people. I fear learning more about triggers because I don't know how many I have. Maybe learning about them helps you deal with them, my former T told me something like that. I guess you can't ignore them. I hate confusion and not understanding so much sorry.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#406789 - 08/14/12 10:04 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3613
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Buffalo, just take it easy.
Don't push yourself to anything. You have to feel good and safe to disclose your issues. Please follow your inner feelings no matter what others could think/say.
I didn't have such problems. However I couldn't talk openly about some my problems related to watching porn, so I've found one good buddy and trough PMs I discussed everything that bothered me with him. I've felt huge relief after that.
Just write and talk about something that is not so troublesome and take your time!!!!
Pero (Igor)
_________________________
My story

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#406794 - 08/14/12 10:30 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
One of the things that you're feeling, Buffalo, is that your inner defense mechanisms are on high alert because of the abuse. It makes it more difficult for us to share or be like the normals because they don't understand that we're constantly on-guard against something that is invisible to them.

I am able now to recognize when I am feeling something that is irrational. That is, I understand that I'm not in danger but my body is gearing up for fight-or-flight, looking for exits, body temp rising, heart racing, etc.

While I know this is irrational, I also can't help it. So, it becomes a process of respecting that inner warning mechanism but also letting it know that things are OK now, mostly, and that it can calm down if it wants to.

Don't worry about the normals not understanding about triggers. They don't get it and won't get it because they aren't triggered like we are. That's what MS is for and what Therapy is for, and group therapy if you can find it.

I just found a local group therapy spot that isn't exactly what I'm looking for -- but just being able to talk to a group about the issues we keep bottled up inside us is very helpful.

Until you get back into T or into a group, we are here for you and will always be here for you. Because you are our brother.
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#406801 - 08/14/12 01:43 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
I'll try to write more and follow my inner feelings about sharing details. Just am not there yet and won't be made or tricked into doing it. Got made to do stuff and tricked before, and Im not falling for it again. My problem with triggers is not with normals, it's with other survivors who you would think would get it. Right now I just feel like wrapping that security blanket more tightly around me than anything else, but I know a better plan is to get back to a T. Can do that once Im back in school again and get another job. At least I can come here.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#406803 - 08/14/12 02:00 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
Just breathe, man. You're doing fine.

Everything at your own pace. You'll get through this.
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#406956 - 08/15/12 10:39 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1570
Loc: New England
You said "They are not going to win".


Damn Right! The shadows have covered us too long.
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#408542 - 08/31/12 12:16 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Update: It's been over a month now since I found this site and I'm glad I did. People here get me, and understand a lot of the things that I still don't understand yet but I want to. My last counselor got some funds donated to pay for counseling, and I start again with her next week. I'm down for that as I so much want to keep moving forward, no matter how tough that is. I also wrote 3 poems now and that helps too. Was talked into trying and I'm glad I did. They are not easy to write, but once I get them out of my head I feel better, so it's like moving forward too. I know I have to much living ahead to give up now, so I'm not giving up. Thank you everyone for caring. I feel safe here, and understood too.


Edited by BuffaloCO (09/20/12 11:35 AM)
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#410749 - 09/20/12 11:39 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
I am in my second week of counseling now, back again after a year off. It is going well and is giving me a lot of hope. I'm updating this as I cant really believe almost 1000 people have read my intro. I dont see my self as unique, but I do see myself as getting healed and I know I'll be free of all this. I believe we can all get there too. We are not defined by our abuse or what the abusers said we were. I believe too that our experiences have given us a strength to overcome the past. I will continue to move forward! smile
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#410758 - 09/20/12 12:23 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3613
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Buffalo,
I'm more than happy to know that you are doing some hard work on your healing, just proceed like that further smile

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#410772 - 09/20/12 01:08 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Buffalo! GREAT to see you again bro! Real happy you're moving forward. We're absolutely here for you.

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#412794 - 10/11/12 01:04 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Update: Feel like I have run into a stumbling block, maybe two of them and maybe this is why we go to counselors. Several people tell me they look at me and sometimes see "angry dude". My T says I have a right to be angry, and we worked through all of that I thought. Others tell me it's not good to project any anger when you are trying to get a job and back into school. I get frustrated now because I need a job to be able to get back to school to pay for it, and employers tell me I need more school. I was supposed to start school again in August, but lost my scholarship because the eligibility rules changed, so I'm on academic hold till January.

The second thing is worse. I am starting to remember something now about a man I hung out with when I was like 8. I have not thought about him in a long time and all I really remember is that he was always nice to me. He gave me chocolate and rides on a tractor. (He worked on a golf course near our house.) I remember going to his maintenance shop too but I don't remember anything bad ever happening. My T says our minds start to reveal stuff to us as we become ready to understand it. I don't want to go any further with this memory as he was always nice to me as far as I can recall. So I don't know what to do except tell my T about it. It's bad enough remembering what I already do, and really don't want to see any more. How do we know if something really happen? Feeling confused, but I'm not giving up. It's just one more thing on my list of things to learn still about life. I just hate being confused.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#412800 - 10/11/12 02:07 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 775
Loc: michigan
I so feel your pain buff. I recently came across a memory that is unpleasant too I try so hard not to think about scary things things I feel might be something I dont want to remember. truth is though there are some good memories too. and I dont know that we can get where we need to be without taking the risk of looking at these things. I really hope that this memory of yours is a hugely positive, wonderful memory but if it is not then we will be here.
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#412830 - 10/11/12 06:17 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1570
Loc: New England
(((Buffalo)))

You have a right to some pleasant memories too. Not every memory is something to fear. I just remembered as a pre-CSA kid, walking to town every week with my pocket full of change to buy the latest Superman comic book. They cost 10 cents then. I also loved, Batman, Flash, Green Lantern, Aquaman, and OMG WONDERWOMAN! My first crush. I would wait till I got home to my room to read it, then I would read it over and over. I remember being HAPPY! No one can take that from me.

Jude
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#414056 - 10/23/12 11:48 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Wanted to let you all know my T says we can work on anger. She says she knows it's there and also knows I'm afraid of of it. Getting angry only gets me into trouble, but I think she knows how to deal. That's good because I dont'. She also has me talking to my first guy T tomorrow. I'll do it because my T trusts him and I trust her. It wont be fun, but it will be good for me I'm pretty sure. Ive never talked to any guy in person about specific details, and only a few about being molested in general, and hit/verbally trashed. I talked to him on the phone and he sounds nice, but even that was hard. Still I'll do it, turning back or stopping....neither of those would be good.

On the memory, I don't see anything more there and nothing bad. Herman was just being a genuinely nice man to a little kid who didn't have a lot of love. Today people would say he was trying to groom me, but he had plenty of chances to do whatever he wanted because by the time I met him at like 8, I already know how to perform. He never did anything but be kind, and I'm holding on to that memory as a good one...:)
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#414063 - 10/23/12 12:36 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
(((((Buffalo)))))

Sounds like you're in a good place and on the right track. Hopefully you can find a way to direct your anger in a healthy way. Boxing, maybe?
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#414071 - 10/23/12 01:49 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
I dont know can't_remember, since I don't see it or haven't found it, maybe I don't recognize it. I'm just afraid of it as anger was always bad before. It is one of those things I don't understand, but I know I have a good T and I think the guy T she wants me to talk to will help too. I have to keep trying to move forward now that I've started and I will. Thanks for your support! smile
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#414082 - 10/23/12 03:57 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
You are absolutely right about a few things:

1) the only way to move is forward once you've broken the seal on recovery, even when it's hard to do; 2) I think seeing a guy T will be good (for me it was the opposite, was easy to tell a man but tougher with a woman T, so we're all different)... and 3) not understanding your emotions is a common CSA survivor trait, and maybe one of the worst.

PM me if you need to, little brother. You know I'm here for you.
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#414087 - 10/23/12 04:55 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Thanks can't_remember, I appreciate it. I don't know why it feels like EVERYTHING has to be a challenge, difficult, etc. But that's life I guess and I choose life. I'll post how it's going in a few weeks unless something miraculous happens and I do believe in miracles from Him. smile
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#414274 - 10/25/12 09:08 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Finding anger and it bites big time. This can't be good. Have to keep moving forward anyway but I hate this part.


Edited by BuffaloCO (10/25/12 09:11 PM)
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#414306 - 10/26/12 03:03 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Push threw it Buff... I will go threw it with ya bro.. we cant walk the second mile until we walk the first
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#414345 - 10/26/12 09:48 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Ok, I will push through it and I am not giving up. Maybe once I find the source of it and let it go, that will give me new strength. My T says I have a right to be angry. I don't know how to be angry when I don't even know who they were except that there were at least 5 of them by the time I was 9 years old. So I'll trust my T to show me what I need to do. I trust her, my T, and the new guy she has me talking to even though I didn't want to talk to a guy. She says I need to so I can learn to trust males. I didn't know even that I don't trust males. So I'm learning new stuff I guess, and no way am I going to let this ruin my whole life by stopping even if this hurts a lot right now. Thanks for the support and prayers!
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#414560 - 10/28/12 02:17 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
pgreenelee Offline


Registered: 10/28/12
Posts: 4
Loc: Tennessee
Hey man, kudos to you for feeling the pain and anger and pushing through. May I have the courage to do the same.
_________________________
Patrick Greenelee

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#418453 - 12/07/12 05:58 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
There will be an end to the number of steps it takes to get free, but how many I don't know. Now more memories are coming to the surface of what those 4 men in the car did to me when I was 8 or 9. Triggered. This week I saw Hot Wheels in the toy store and their tracks, reminding me those tracks were used to hit me. Triggered. I hate triggers, but I think that only by facing them can I be free of them. I don't know how to deal with them but my T. will. When I learn how to face them down they won't make me cry anymore. I am so tired of crying too, but it will also end someday. I will not let this ruin Christmas for me, never never again!
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#423623 - 01/29/13 05:01 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Sorry to say, December was pretty bad but I'm sticking with my goal above. I am not going to let this stuff ruin my Christmas next year, or any year after that ever again. I am finally going to start working with my new T next week on learning how to stomp out triggers and memories, so they no longer mean anything to me. He says we can get to a point where they no longer make me cry or hurt inside, and I believe him. We have to believe in someone to get through it I think. After that will work on trust, then all the fractal parts of me inside. I don't know how many steps are left, but one step down is one behind. smile
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#423715 - 01/30/13 08:20 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1570
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: BuffaloCO
He says we can get to a point where they no longer make me cry or hurt inside, and I believe him.


Keep doing the work BuffCo, you will get there. There's a life as a whole healthy man waiting for you on the other side.

Jude
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#423719 - 01/30/13 09:05 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Thanks Jude, we can not give up and I know that, no matter how hard the challenge feels in the moment. Abuse is something we went through, but I am trying hard to see what I can be and won't let life define me by it anymore.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#431278 - 04/14/13 10:59 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
It feels like this whole process is like some weird onion. You get rid of one layer, and something new comes up and when you get that, anger comes up again with confusion. How did they even find me, figure out they could use me then trade me around? Why did no one notice? How many more of them are left to uncover? Don't know the answers to any of that yet and maybe it doesn't matter now. Now I want to tell my family about "them" and don't know how to start that. Maybe if I tell them they'll get why I was like I was and why I can be sad sometimes now without being able to explain. I don't know how to explain the unexplainable. Am learning how to take on one thing at a time and beat it down. My T says face it to stomp it, so I guess that's one thing at a time. Just feel like I have to go away for a while till I can figure out where I'm at inside. Inside is just very tired.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#431296 - 04/15/13 04:25 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 775
Loc: michigan
when it comes to telling, fear is always the worst. no matter how they take it the result is likely to be better because at least the secret is out as you say buff at least then they would be able to understand some things weather they choose to or not. my parents never responded well to my telling but it was just them passive like they always were. it was just a "SO?" kinda response. you are growing so much man and I know the confusion is terrible but I think you are great! you can do this man and on the other side it will be better no matter how they respond
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#431337 - 04/15/13 05:06 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Thanks New, I will keep going forward as the idea of going back, shutting down or whatever just bites. Will be back on in chat when Im more settled. Thanks again smile
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#431985 - 04/21/13 07:10 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Been a rough couple of weeks. Took two weeks off from T and start again tomorrow. Now I'm wondering what's the point? I mean, what do we do when healed and think of ourselves as a full survivor? I guess it means not hurting like before inside, and moving forward knowing from that point on "it" no longer consumers your life. Right now I can't imagine what that will be like, not having that stuff in my mind so much, but I still believe it is possible. Soon I hope, then I guess I get to start over as a new me whatever or whoever that will be.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#432778 - 04/28/13 07:34 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
This week in T, I held a section of hot wheels track. May not seem like a big deal to most people, but I was spanked at home with those, and beaten with that by a perp when I was like 9. His way of making sure I kept my mouth shut. My T and I had talked about it, and I was totally sure I could hold it now "being all grown up".

He brought out the track and it got me nervous just seeing it. Still I took it, was shaking and started to cry too, but did it for about 45 seconds. Next week, I'll hold it again and the week after and the week after...till it is just a toy and not a symbol of hurt. I think it's a step forward, least as far as I can understand steps being new to T and healing. It's like just one more thing to deal with but my T says face it to stomp it, and I will. Someday will find the end of these steps too. Am not going to give up no matter how much stuff bites having to just face it. I don't want to, but I don't think trying to just push all the stuff away works at all either, and this is working. Has anyone else done this, like used a prop that represents something bad?
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#439267 - 06/26/13 02:02 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
So the progress seems to continue in one area, then slow in another. I can hold those hot wheels tracks now...it is just a toy again.

Am fighting hard to understand what trust is, really is, when it comes to other people. I am better then I ever was at figuring out who I can trust, but sometimes the one you trust turns into someone like the perps, angry and mean. Maybe trust is a life long learning thing. I am tired of trying to figure it out but will keep trying. Going back is not an option but for the moment my walls are back up about trust. Have to get better at reading people but this is yet another step in a staircase that looks like it has no end.


Edited by BuffaloCO (06/26/13 02:02 PM)
Edit Reason: spelling
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#439273 - 06/26/13 02:28 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 591
Buff - I can really relate to what you're saying here. Sometimes sociopaths are so charming it's really hard to see through them until it's too late, and by then you've given them your trust. I've had a couple of these insane people befriending me these past few months, but luckily I've found some new genuine friends as well on the way. It's hard to pick yourself back up again after unfortunately brushing sides with these types of people, especially in terms of opening oneself up again and being vulnerable, which is what true friendships entail. I hope you don't lose faith in the fact that there are good people, though. Reflecting on this, I guess my rule of thumb is, when they're too nice the first couple of times you meet them, then they're too nice to be true. Keep going with your recovery man.
_________________________
Husky

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#439280 - 06/26/13 04:49 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
For the moment, my walls are up again. I can't explain why without causing problems here so it'll just have to stay that way till I can sort it out. Thanks Husky, you like so many others here, are a good friend. I'll figure it out and turn this around again too.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#439488 - 06/29/13 12:43 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: concerned_husky]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: concerned_husky
It's hard to pick yourself back up again after unfortunately brushing sides with these types of people, especially in terms of opening oneself up again and being vulnerable, which is what true friendships entail. I hope you don't lose faith in the fact that there are good people, though.


Not sure I can turn this around this time but I really want to, just not sure I'm smart enough right now to know the way to do that. Feels like I can't do that with walls up, and taking the walls down makes me vulnerable again.

So much work over the last year leading up to learning how to really trust for the first time in my life, in a way that does not make me a target again. That feels like an illusion now, like somehow people who did not get abuse put in their life just automatically know how to tell good from bad in others. For us that was stolen. Forever? I don't think so, just don't know how to start again trying to learn how.

I want to believe that if you can do that then you will know which battles are worth fighting. Part of me thinks it is time for me to leave this site, another part says if I run again, evil wins again. Have told myself a lot over this year that I can either give up or get up, and I keep getting up.

Tonight it just feels safer to stay behind walls and trust very few people even here. You are one of them Husky and some others too, but living in a world of permanent mis-trust will not be a good thing but when rules are applied to some and not others, the idea of safe healing becomes a lie.

I have to keep trying to figure this out and I am not giving up or leaving yet, but until I figure our more I'm staying behind the walls. Meeting my T again next week after a month off, and he can help.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#439512 - 06/29/13 09:56 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 775
Loc: michigan
hey buff
I was re reading this whole thread this morning cause I felt like I wasn't up to speed with it. I hope that you are feeling better even now. I was thinking about the anger thing, in reading I thing maybe I came to understand that anger is not all bad. you certainly do have the right to be angry but I think maybe we have a need to be angry as well. I was so angry all my life and it was way too much but it did serve to protect. that same hot wheels track we both see as a weapon makes me feel very different because it was never right,NEVER. That abuse robbed us of a voice that may have prevented the further abuse had we had it. and the same with interactions now. I have the same trust issues. but there is wisdom in that. our lives were changed and until we are better able to decern motivations, I think it is a good thing to be cautious and I am not sure that is so unusual it is likely that the untouched do exactly the same thing only to them if feels natural.trusting too much is just as dangerous and not trusting enough which is where I still am. just know that as you sort this for yourself I am here and others as well. the words may sound hollow at this point but I offer them anyway. you are a good strong man buff. You will get past this and are doing it even now no matter how it may feel.
be well my friend
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#439544 - 06/29/13 07:15 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Thanks NG, your words are never hollow and I'll get through whatever this is too. smile
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#441181 - 07/17/13 04:17 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
wavvver Offline


Registered: 04/05/12
Posts: 4
Loc: peterborough,on ,canada
thanx again buffalo. Iam new 2 the site and my story is about the same as yours. I was abused at the young age of 9 until I was 13.all of the above physically, sexually and verbally as well emotionally. It really sucks somedays, I mean really sucks. But u know I have been in counselling 4 two years, and let me tell u it does get better, it will fade the pain. I get it and it will, the pain will lessen. It seems like a strange and weird journey, but it is yours to live love and laugh at and with.

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#441400 - 07/19/13 06:10 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
this thread is amazing.

i feel like i just went through everything you went through, buffaloCO, only on fast forward.

lots of resonance.

i get called "anger man", "psycho", "rage-aholic", "control freak", "power tripper".
but i don't see myself that way.

i have a bad reputation based on past behavior,
the reputation is harder to get rid of than the behaviour.

i am not angry all the time, but i can blow up.
i even wrote a poem about it.
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...5609#Post435609

i don't respond nicely to threats.
i have had to learn how to distinguish the difference between a genuine threat and a perceived threat.
i have had to learn how to prepare a proper response as opposed to my programmed reaction.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#441425 - 07/19/13 10:28 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Thanks VV. I'm amazed at how many people have read this. Don't see myself as extraordinary or that different from a lot of people here. Just want to get to healed as I'm already free from believing the lies. Seems like healing is a step by step process, and often feels like I'm doing it in the dark, and you have to put your foot out into darkness each step of the way and hope you find the next stone. The only thing that gives me courage to put my foot out into the darkness is my Faith. It has gotten me this far and this is a lot better place for me then the one I was stuck in before.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#441430 - 07/19/13 11:20 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
i hear you.

you know how they say...
courage is not the absence of fear,
courage is the strength to act properly in the face of fear.

i believe...
faith is not the absence of doubt,
faith is the power to stay positive in spite of doubt.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#441466 - 07/20/13 12:19 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
Jak Offline


Registered: 07/18/13
Posts: 5
Hello BuffaloCO, good introduction. I was never attacked or abused in that way so I am sorry that so many have this same story as you. It does seem society in and families in general know this stuff goes on and yet they just want to turn a blind eye. Another thing I don't get is why we the abused end up acting just like our abusers. I mean doesn't it seem like we would want to be anything but like them? Very quirky aspect of human nature.
But anyway welcome and good to have you here I hope you can find hope and peace and safety. And some people to share your load with.
_________________________
When you die, where will you spend eternity?

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#441468 - 07/20/13 12:22 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: victor-victim]
Jak Offline


Registered: 07/18/13
Posts: 5
That is good victor thanks for sharing that about fear and faith. As I struggle a lot with doubt and unbelief and fear which usually tags along with doubt and unbelief. cool
_________________________
When you die, where will you spend eternity?

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#441474 - 07/20/13 01:38 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Least I can say that is one thing that does not hit me, acting like them. Inside I can't imagine treating a kid, or anyone, like that...just an object. It is not part of who I am or was before even, and I can be happy for that much.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#441563 - 07/21/13 01:19 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 288
Loc: PA
I couldn't hurt anyone either. I think I'm over sensitive to not hurting people as a result of the abuse.

Buff - everyone reads this because it's like watching a new person being born.

I am so rooting for your recovery dude!

I totally get the trust thing. I've had no friends for decades - to painful. They awesome now, but not enough of them yet.

Hope I don't sound "too nice".

You are an inspiration. Please keep going!
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#441566 - 07/21/13 03:13 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
acting in ignorance, anger and fear.
i have hurt a lot of people.
including the ones i love.
i am not proud of it.
i do not excuse it.
i have repented.
i will improve.
i will atone.
i admit it.
i am weak.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#441728 - 07/22/13 10:40 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Thanks Rich and VV, what you say helps smile
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#442425 - 07/28/13 03:19 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
WoR and Group T: Several people have suggested I consider going to WoR or a group therapy thing. I can't do group, just not in me and HC is hard enough. I know WoR has helped a lot of people 2, but for me I don't think I'd feel safe at all doing that. I think it's a good idea for those who could find healing there, but I think I'd be triggered the whole time and am not sure that helps in healing. Keep trying to explain that and people keep suggesting it anyway. So now it's out there and I hope that conversation is done.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#442440 - 07/28/13 07:32 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 288
Loc: PA
I can't do a wor yet either. I bet these people only want to help you and they are just suggestions because they care about you.

Go at your own pace! You are clearly making progress. Love that you share that with us and I love you for that.

Take care.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#442524 - 07/29/13 01:01 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 414
Loc: Canada
Look at where you were when we first met ... and where you are now.

((( the P word )))

:P
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#443277 - 08/04/13 07:10 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Thanks Rich and Shyshark. I know people are trying and wanting to be helpful, and that I'm making progress. I mentioned once in chat why WoR scares me and I would not feel safe. Someone responded with 3 reasons why I was wrong, then promptly left. Kind of proved my point I thought. Again, am sure it's good for a lot of people and am not bagging on the process. Equally sure I would not be safe or comfortable there at all, for the entire time. That's just the way I feel and I have my reasons. It is not something I could or would even consider unless I could resolve my concerns, and that can't happen here. But thanks for listening and trying.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#446061 - 08/31/13 03:28 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
When trying to figure out something through questions, silence sure comes off a a loud BOOM. This week my last T for a while till I get more cash, but it was a good ending session. Faced a huge issue an stomped it out. One more thing down, who knows how many more to go. I do know how many are left in the dust at least. That is progress and that counts for a lot.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#446077 - 08/31/13 07:06 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 775
Loc: michigan
Buff man
I think you are amazing and what you have done this far is no less than inspiring. I hope that I have never given you the impression that you are anything less than an inspiration to me. I know I have mentioned WoR only because I has been powerful in my experience no doubt it is not for everyone. you have NOTHING to feel less about, If I have EVER given you that impression I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#446085 - 08/31/13 08:43 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Jeff, you have never been anything but kind, compassionate and patient as well. Your talking to me always means a lot, and I've gotten this far in big part because of you and some others here. Anything I have achieved you have helped me in doing that, more than I can say or remotely describe. You have nothing to be sorry for at all, you're an inspiration to me too! Thanks back my friend!

Buff
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#448176 - 09/25/13 07:30 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I have been here a little while posting, longer lurking.

Good place. Helps.

People with experience are very helpful.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#450347 - 10/16/13 12:04 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Glad this site helps you OTF, has helped me to. I seem to be moving forward I think, now getting to work temp jobs at least. They take me away from where I feel the most safe and that's new for me. It's like stepping out and leaving home for the first time as a kid again, but I am a "new me" now so I guess that fits even if I'm not really sure who the new me is yet. Still, sometimes new stuff is hard to face. Even so, I would not go back to where I was when I first came here for anything, no matter what the future holds. Whatever is out there, it has to be a whole lot better then what I left behind.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#450401 - 10/16/13 08:38 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Amen brother good for you!!!!!
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#456141 - 12/05/13 06:24 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Well, the contract job stuff fell off for the end of this year, so I've been stuck trying to find something part time. No luck there. Without that I can't do much for school or T plans, but I'm not done yet. In January, I am going to testify for my fellowship group for guys at church about CSA and boys, me, and what it's all meant. I did it once before but now I am a whole lot more ready to speak I think. Still working on healing stuff, but think this will help in that. Someday, and I hope soon, I can be doing something more productive then sitting around a lot. Thanks everyone too for all the support and views of this thread. I had no clue it would get this big, and I hope I can give back too.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#457279 - 12/23/13 03:20 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
How can you be surrounded by people, and still feel totally alone sometimes? Maybe that's true for everyone, not just us.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#457305 - 12/24/13 02:07 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 591
Buff,

I think that happens when we're longing for understanding and empathy from people who are unable or unwilling to give them. It's a stark reminder of how some parts of us (and unfortunately, sometimes our entire existence) go unnoticed. I'm sure others feel it as well, but I also feel the burden of CSA really makes these moments of loneliness more potent for us.

Hope you're feeling a little better today buddy.
_________________________
Husky

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#457470 - 12/27/13 12:25 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
I am Husky, thanks smile
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#460230 - 02/06/14 06:10 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
I am making progress! On January 7, I spoke to a group of 225 guys about me, CSA and how yeah...it's still happening today. Because of that, 7 guys have already talked to me. I'll speak again if asked, and will take this junk past and turn it around. Yesterday I also said something to someone for the first time. It just came out. I said: "I no longer see me as just some used up kid!" I like that way of summing up me. smile

I know now about some new things I'm going to have to deal with, but also know I can deal with them.

Finally, I got a job. A real one, not part time, one short time, but for a whole year and it maybe will become permanent. Now I can get back to my T and keep going there too. It's a start, it's all a start, and I think 2014 is going to be awesome!


Edited by BuffaloCO (02/06/14 06:14 PM)
Edit Reason: Added line bout T.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#460236 - 02/06/14 08:38 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3460
Loc: somewhere in Africa
well done, Buff!

i am happy for you and proud of you.

it can only get better.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#460238 - 02/06/14 10:18 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 181
Loc: Virginia
Way to go, Buff! :-)
_________________________
Never worry about "three steps forward and two steps back." Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

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#464086 - 04/14/14 08:38 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Time to Leave

This is not my last post, but this is a major update for me. I have done everything I can here and its time now for me to log off line, and log into real life. I came here almost two years ago broken, scared and totally not knowing what to do next. Back then I just saw me is the left over shell of something used and tossed aside. I dont anymore. Since that time I started again with a good counselor but had to stop because I ran out of money. Now that I finally got a job, I can get back. I still have stuff to work on, face and get through but I can do that now. Since being here Ive pushed through a lot as you can tell reading this thread. I faced down memories I didnt want to deal with but as my T said, face them to stomp them! We did. Ive broken some addictions and they wont come back. I dont have nightmares anymore and Im learning to deal with flashbacks. Mostly, I feel like I can finally finish growing up inside now.

Some people here have helped me a lot, some have challenged me, some people here dont like me but I know now it doesnt matter if people like me or not, I like me now and so do many other people. Im glad for it all, and I dont leave with bad feelings toward anyone. If I offended you, Im sorry and I hope you can accept that.

I am not who I was when I came here and Ive accepted what happened. For me now, abuse is something I went through but it does not define who I am. Actually, I learned it never did define me, not once not ever. Believing that growing up was just buying into another lie of the predators, and they have no hold on who I see myself as now.

So thank you to my friends here, those who have helped me a lot. For those who might still be angry at me, Im sorry that my own struggle to find healing didnt always come out in the best way. We are still human. All I can say is that we have different stories but shared hurts. So I will try to learn from my mistakes and try not to make the same ones again. I know my path to healing through my faith also bothers some people because so-called believers hurt them, and I totally understand that too. There are different paths to healing, and this one works for me. If anyone wants to know more about that side of me I tried to keep it to my thread in the Spirituality section in my post called Finding Strength through Faith. I know others have found healing other ways and I accept that but I dont apologize for my path either.

Ill check in once in a while and maybe post an update or two. I dont know how often but again I want to thank people here who helped me get to where I am now. I feel safe, new and growing again. All of that is something Im still getting used to, but I will keep going. My hope for everyone here is that they can find the same things, and that someday this site wont be needed anymore. I have even spoken in public now about what happened to me, as its my way of trying to get people to understand that yeah it does happen to boys, it is not good, and it is not something we can just ignore any longer. Anyway, I really appreciate what people have done for me here. I started this by saying I was trying to start. I did that, now its time for me to take the next big step and move forward to whatever comes next in real life.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#464092 - 04/14/14 10:55 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3460
Loc: somewhere in Africa
hey, Buff,

this is great to read!

i guess it is safe in this context to say:

my prayers go with you,

and may God bless you!

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#464093 - 04/14/14 11:33 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
Cthulhu Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 138
Loc: Cascadia
Hey buff,

Don't know too much what to say. I never got to know you too well. But you did support me through some of my darker moments. Thank you for being here. I don't think I ever returned that support to any degree. So I am in debt to you.

I hope your journey from here on goes great. You deserve it.

Take care,

Cthulhu
_________________________
what matters most is how well you walk through the fire
-Charles Bukowski

some context

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#464105 - 04/15/14 07:01 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1722
BuffaloCo

I am so glad for you. You have found yourself and now are moving onto a different phase in life. I am happy you find you are the not the same person you were on first coming to MS. That shows progress--you have found inner strength and peace.

I agree with you, we all travel our own path to heal--we all react differently to the abuse and we all heal differently. Healing is not one size fits all. You path has taken you to a wonderful place.

I wish you well and please check in. Let us know how you are doing. You have helped many here and your honesty and insight have been appreciated.

Best wishes,

Kevin

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#464106 - 04/15/14 07:10 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 591
Hey Buff,

Bittersweet news for me. smile I'll miss talking to you, but I'm so so happy that you've arrived at where you are now. You've made some huge strides, overcome some setbacks, and you certainly deserve everything you've been working hard for. Proud of you. Sending you best wishes for the awesome life you have ahead of you!

Take care my friend.

Husky
_________________________
Husky

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#464132 - 04/15/14 07:48 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
learning2luvme Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 49
Please check back in. You made a very positive impact on me my friend. Know you are always loved by your friends here at MS.

Warm Regards,
L2LME


Edited by learning2luvme (04/15/14 07:49 PM)

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#464189 - 04/16/14 10:13 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 288
Loc: PA
Good luck Buff! I will look forward to your check-ins smile

Nothing wrong with having some faith.

So happy to hear you spoke in public. I think that needs to happen more. We need to speak out more and share our stories. I am sure you have helped others already. Thank you.

Take care.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#464309 - 04/20/14 08:37 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Wow, awesome and kind words, they mean a lot. Each of you helped me too, and you can know that this new me is in part because of people like you and others here. I will never forget that. I hope this change for me has not hurt anyone either as I didn't really announce it, it just kind of happened in my mind that I needed to do this. People who chatted with me know my mind is kind of fragmented that way, but it's a good way now. I won't be gone forever, just need some time away. So thanks Traveler, CtHulhu, KMCINVA, concerned_husky, learning2luvme and Rich1967.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#466904 - 06/22/14 10:29 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Update: In the two months I've been gone I've made more progress. I have started to tell my family and that is not easy, but it is FREEING. Not done with that yet but I've started, and I have the strength to finish and get through. Also, I am starting a group thing through my church. That was something 3 years ago I could never have believed I would do, but I will be doing it. We can be free, and live life the way we were meant to live it. That's all for now and I hope you are all well my friends. Thank you for checking in on me and for your support. That means a lot to me on this journey.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#467295 - 07/06/14 12:12 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
Tim07 Offline


Registered: 07/01/14
Posts: 11
Your stronger then you let you self believe have more faith in yoyr self i know its tough but i know you can do it welcome to the site buddy

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#468914 - 08/14/14 12:24 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Thanks Tim07. Also for all those following this thread, which amazes me, I asked MS to move it to this discussion forum since ok I didn't read the rules at first and it really didn't belong in the introductions any more. Again to all, thanks you for all the support over the last couple of years.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#469195 - 08/20/14 11:02 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Never give up! I'm speaking for the 3rd time now in public. It's always tough, but each time I bet it'll get easier. Never give up!
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#469198 - 08/21/14 01:05 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
great news.
good to hear from you.
congratulations and best wishes.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#469795 - 09/07/14 04:02 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
There has 2 b an end 2 the list of "challenges". Don't know what that is but every time I face one and stomp it like my T says, it's one less on the list.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#471206 - 10/13/14 11:38 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Man, everyday I am around people who just hate life. Like I'm working now and it is only temporary, but everyday several people there who are not temporary sit around and complain about how much they hate their job. It is frustrating but I wonder if I'm missing something. Maybe they have a story like me, who knows.

More stuff is coming up for me too. Ok I'll face it down again with my T. Some days I want to just tell the complainers...want to know what I'm trying to walk through and then tell me how hard your life is? But that's not the right thing to say either, it's just anger and mean and not good.

So I wonder if I'm becoming one of those people who looks past people, like people looked past me for years. I hope not. I try to care, reach out, etc. but it doesn't seem to make a difference to some. Maybe the answer is to try harder, remember where I was and where I am, and know that I did not get here by myself. Trying by myself always failed. How do we reach out when we're tired inside too?
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#471226 - 10/14/14 08:03 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
Bardo Offline


Registered: 09/24/14
Posts: 60
"be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"...attributed to Plato (arguably), but so true for us all.

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#471227 - 10/14/14 08:04 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 288
Loc: PA
I think sometimes you just have to only worry about yourself and that's okay. I also think you really can't help anyone unless they are willing to be helped. You can be nice and offer but if they don't bite that is just where they need t be for now.

I love the way you attack your fears. That's how I operate as well. It's tiresome at times and I need breaks from time to time.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#471251 - 10/14/14 08:45 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Thanks guys. Guess I still have stuff to work out. Just when you think you have something beaten for good, a new challenge comes along so I post to vent because it rattles me, but here I get good advice and support. The really cool thing now for me is this. I know I am not alone anymore. Not alone! I'll push though this too and keep going, that I promise. BTW in three weeks I'll get the chance to tell two more family members about this. Told two already, so just three to go. This telling stuff is freeing too, like one more chain broken and for good.


Edited by BuffaloCO (10/14/14 08:47 PM)
Edit Reason: Added last two lines.
_________________________
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

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#471285 - 10/15/14 01:20 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 300
thank you for sharing.

you have made a good start getting started. Your counselor makes a good point. i have a slightly different twist - I live by the "What Now" thinking and i have abandoned the "What If" Thinking. it has been very productive as this poorly written poem tries to express.


The Boy Warrior:

You came as a thief in the night.
A Cowards heroics.
And took all that was dear to me,
never asking just taking.

You followed in the shadows a
all the days of my life,
But, now I see you, no more places
for you to hide,
You were the monsters chasing me in my dreams,
And will no more.

For out of the ashes of the life you took,
came something you cannot take,
The courage of a child!
The love of a child!
Or the spirit of a child!

Yes you took so much.
And you still follow and torment
me in my moments of weakness.

So many times you wore me down,
and each time I would fight you back.
For so long I fought you to a stalemate,
never winning never loosing.

Me at the edge of the abyss,
And you always managing to
take more ground.
Never satisfied,
Greed with no bounds.

Always trying to push me over the edge,
and close you came many a time.
How clever you thought you were!

How blind you are by your own ignorance.
Only a fool wouldn't know,
That out of the destruction comes creation

Yes my old nemesis, my life long companion.
You did create something!
You made me!

I am the sum of your trials.
You are part of me.
I accept you are part of my life.
I accept you have taken all that is dear to me.
Above all, I accept you made the Boy Warrior!!!

Did you believe I would never find him again?

That eight year old boy, I left behind so many years ago.
It is he who carried me thru life!
It is he who pushed you when I could not!
It was he who loved when I wanted to hate!
It was he who cried when I could not!
It is he who opened my eyes to you!
It is he who would not give up on me-when I gave up on him!

Yes you hurt me.
But you did not destroy me or him.
We stand together now, side by side - you have lost!
Yes! See what you have made!

You know the bad, but what of the good?
You know not my measure of Love,
Compassion,
Generosity,
My spirit,
Love of life and people!
Or my unwavering faith.
You know not my willingness to do
the right thing regardless of the cost.

No you don't know me!
And you never will.

I will morn my loses.
And rejoice for my life.
There are no more shadows.
As we walk in the light of our soul now.

The soul of an eight-year-old boy and
a 53-year-old man who became the boy warrior.
A boy who's smile lights the way,
As we forever embrace and walk the path of life as one.
Whole again.


Stay Strong.

Rich
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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