Hope cometh! Ours was a struggle for the ages! I was such a selfish, inconsiderate, entitled... BOY that I really tested the limits of our marriage. I was triggered from sibling rivalry, incest, physical abuse and my own acting out that I carried shame, resentment and anger in the same sentence at times! The arguments we used to have was the stuff of soap operas and automobile accidents!
My wife, the love of my life was contentious, passive aggressive, sexually abused herself and dealing with a physical disability. She had a "proximal loyalty", where whomever she closest to, her parents, our children or herself, she would please them no matter what her and I agreed to in confidential talk.
What I found, Haps, was that while she was sometimes crude and insensitive, I was wrong, and that is what recovery taught me. The more I changed, the more I became loving, considerate, patient and responsive, the less her negative traits manifest themselves, and she became more loyal, more trusting. She felt a great deal of shame and embarrassment at first, but we are healing from the chaos I contributed to in our relationship.
Twenty three years Haps. 23 years and for the last three, it has been the best it has ever been. We have been separated and angry with terrible words to each other, argued in front of the kids and slammed too many doors to count, but I would experience them everyday again so that I could hold her hand and gaze into those adoring eyes. I do not need to, but that is the reverence I hold for her that wakes with me every morning, works by my side and falls asleep on my shoulder every night.
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014