I guess most of you have read enough postings I left by now to know that I identify as gay. I wonder how many of us were initiated into sexual behavior as children and then identified as GLBT later in life. I was initiated into incest and then sexual molestation by my siblings and an older perpatrator. I used to think that my abuse "caused" my sexual orientation. Today I don't really feel that way.
I feel like it is the way I was born and that if I had not been molested or raped I would still be gay.
After many years I have reached a place where I am out.
Out at work, out at home, out on the town, I am married to another guy and everyone I know knows that I am gay. Today I refuse to be ashamed of myself for liking to have sex with men. I refuse to be ashamed of my relationship because I am in love with another man.

Do you other survivors find it difficult to maintain and access your feelings of love? Do you find it "normal" to be gay? Do you yourselves ever wish you could be gay without repercusions? That is how I felt for years.

Thanks
G

*

hi Gary and Geoff. wanted to share a little story you may find interesting... I dunno. You guys are always super nice to me so I feel like I can share on this thread even though, at present, I'm not actually gay or bi....let's just say I'm pre-pre-pre-surgery.

When I was growing up as a boy in a small town in the 80's my parents had gay friends over a lot. Or we would meet them out. At that time the whole town had a very large and proud gay population. Kids at school would use gay as an insult and of course that other word and yes I would too. But I've known many gay men as friends and co-workers, what have you, and I always identified with gay men. Like many of us I was a sensitive child. Not into sports and not into being macho. When high school rolled around I was a complete basket case due to my abuse issues. My self esteem was abysmal and though I had finally made some guy friends, I was terrified of girls. In my f-ed up distorted way I thought I could solve all these confusing issues if only I were to turn gay. So believe it or not, I actually wished that I'd become gay based on positive role models and my abuse-related confusions. Of course my issues were an entirely different ball of wax than sexual orientation. But I thought this might add fodder to your discussion. The age old chicken and egg queery, is it learned or are we born to be who we are at the start? What I wonder is can't that shift over time? Everything else seems to.

Thank you for Sharing Scottyg! Love you Brother.
G

A guy I met (who cannot be named) X, came out to me today. We have known each other for a long time and he trusted me enough to be the first person he has told that he is Gay..Freaking amazing!! I listened and affirmed him. I of course had come out to him a long time ago. This was Way Cool.

G

Go figure I always seem to end up in a discussion with you guys ;-)

Like my friend in Mississippi, didn't have a name for it, but was smitten with my classmate Gary in 5th grade and that went on thru high school. Tried to fight my gayness in my 20s so I could be "normal" and accepted...but still slipped out to the gay bars. I never thought of it this way, but yeah, my "straightness" might have had something to do with the SA when I was 15-16. But not my gayness. Already "knew" I was gay. Food for thought.

Came out in my late 20s - as much as I could - because I found a bunch of amazing friends in my ACoA meetings, one of whom remains a best friend nearly 3 decades later. And, fortunately, I live in a heavily gay community today. Wouldn't have it any other way. To me, living openly is perfectly natural.

Accessing/maintaining feelings of love? That's the tough one - hate it when you do that to me bodyguard. No romantic relationships, or desire for any, in years. Even expressing to my bff I love him is sometimes uncomfortable.

I sometimes feel as if I'm missing that intimacy, but my comfort zone - a lot of it because of having been raised an only child - is that I prefer my own company to that of others. For one, I don't have to be "on". Strange that some people are envious of that. Seems no big deal to me.

Lancer,
Loved what you said, "Living openly is perfectly natural".

It is so strange for me to contemplate living alone. I have done it at times of course, but I had such severe co dependency and abandonment issues that I was unable to function without closeness, intimacy, and validation. If I wasn't in a relationship I cultivated close friendships to get it. I have/had a lot of issues dealing with the supreme rejection of my twin relationship in favor of using me for sex. It was a betrayal that I have had to CHOOSE not to let define my life. I recently went through an elemental fire ritual which showed me one of many ways to choose not to allow feelings from my past to dictate my present. This betrayal was central to the concepts we discussed and dealt with.

Thank you for being my friend and for posting here.

Regards,

BDGD