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#404707 - 07/25/12 01:31 AM Part of me is Dead.
CloudyFalls Offline

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 173
Loc: Ohio
I look at other people, and I know they have something I don't. It's clear as day, I can spot it instantly. I have to pretend I have it in me, but I'm just wearing a mask with nothing behind it. Something's missing, I can feel it. I can see it in pictures of me, I can see it when I look in the mirror. I remember having it though, when I was young. I look back at pictures of me as a kid, and I can see it. I remember what it was like before the abuse started, but it's gone now. I can't place my finger on it exactly, what's missing that is. I'm left searching within myself, but it's like a darkness inside of me, like I'm a hollow shell. I guess if I were to describe it, it's like looking at a dead child, or a child who's dying inside. Just a corpse with a glazing stare, like an empty body who's soul left to hide. Hiding in that darkness somewhere. And I keep looking.
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

#404715 - 07/25/12 02:35 AM Re: Part of me is Dead. [Re: CloudyFalls]
scottyg Offline

Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
Cloudy, that is the feeling that binds us. I used to do that too. Looking into the mirror asking: what are you, why are you so dead? We all feel like that at times. You have suffered a grave loss, but your suffering is not unredeamable. There is hope, there is life, there is a way out of this dispair. Many of us have made it out. In your time you will, too.
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

#404756 - 07/25/12 01:41 PM Re: Part of me is Dead. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Magellan Offline

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1563
Loc: California

I thought parts of me were dead, as well. But since I've traveled a little bit down the path of recovery and healing, I can say comatose, not dead.

When someone is in a coma, it is most likely because there was brain trauma. Going into coma is a response to trauma.

I think it is beneficial to think the same way about psychological trauma like CSA. The parts of us that were traumatized become comatose. They freeze and cease to grow and develop with the rest of our psyche. The result is distorted psychological development. Parts of the psyche become comatose after the abuse, and we grow up with psychological distortion. As a result, we see ourselves as inherently defective, broken, and irreparable.

The self defeatist thinking, as well as the self hatred is a function of that distortion.

Our challenge is to overcome that juggernaut of psychological dysfunction. When on the deliberate path towards healing, we slowly become more and more aware, we wake up the comatose parts that had been dormant since childhood.

That's why many (including myself) have commented on reconnecting to the "child within". It's the comatose part waking up and attempting to rejoin the rest of "our" psyche.

Thanks for being honest and speaking your mind, dude. It has given me insight about my own life. smile

Please keep posting!


#404758 - 07/25/12 01:52 PM Re: Part of me is Dead. [Re: CloudyFalls]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 2343

This is an excellent way to describe what happened to us as children. My therapist talks about the child that never grew with the rest of me. The child remained behind to only know abuse and abuse was love to the child. As the child came out of the "coma" as you so eloquently described, it sought relief in what it knew--abuse and recreation of the abuse to fill a void. As we reconnect, which is an emotional roller coaster the child can begin to grow and become part of the total. But to be truly awaken and functioning from the coma takes time and work.

Thank you--I will use your analogy at my next T meeting.


#404786 - 07/25/12 06:55 PM Re: Part of me is Dead. [Re: KMCINVA]
CloudyFalls Offline

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 173
Loc: Ohio
Thank you so much for your insight magellan, that makes complete sense to me, I hope through my therapy I can awaken this part of me once again.
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

#404792 - 07/25/12 08:11 PM * [Re: CloudyFalls]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 11:41 AM)

#404977 - 07/27/12 06:56 AM Re: Part of me is Dead. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Ocellaris Offline

Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 23
Loc: New York
I once told a friend who knows my story that I feel a bit like I've lost a limb. People who lose limbs learn to go on with their lives as best they can, but often never feel whole. And that's basically how I've felt. I've learned to go on with my life as best I can, but I simply don't feel whole.
That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear.
-- Stephen King, "The Body" (from Different Seasons)

#404988 - 07/27/12 09:46 AM Re: Part of me is Dead. [Re: CloudyFalls]
chambers Offline

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
I've felt this way for a long time, like something was gone from me and I could never get it back. I feel like it's something people can see when they get to know me, at some point they can see something is missing. I hope that it's merely in a coma like Magellan said and I can wake it up.

#404996 - 07/27/12 10:40 AM Re: Part of me is Dead. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Steve0123 Offline

Registered: 05/30/12
Posts: 80
I have felt this way since I was a teenager...I'm basically just a dead man waiting to go. I'm a ghost. The rest of the world is alive and I'm trapped in my own mind. People are living, worried about the car they drive, and tv shows, and the state of the world. I have happy moments but generally I'm just numb or depressed.

I realize its because of my traumas...but trying to change my reality is like trying to think in Spanish when your first language is can mimic and translate but your identity is your pain...

#405002 - 07/27/12 11:30 AM Re: Part of me is Dead. [Re: CloudyFalls]
unhappycamper Offline

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 649
Loc: VA
Ditto what everyone has said about feeling not-really-here. I guess that's what happens when your brain works hard for a lifetime to make part of the past un-happen. Peace to whatever is left of us!


"Some things are over, some things go on. Part of me you carry, part of me is gone." -- Tom Petty, "Walls"


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