Hello as for now I am gonig by Jay, Im 37 yrs old and have been married for 17 years now. These last few weeks have been rough for me seems many issues that I have been able to supress for 25 years keep boiling to the surface.I am a strong person and have never fallen apart infront of my wife until yesterday. I sat down and told her a story very similar to the hundreds ive read in these forums. She was compassionate and loving and comforted me. Im making these first few steps to help me get controll of my feelings again. I thank you all for sharing your stories. I had in the past refered to these forums as pitty parties or crybaby posts not understanding that it cant be held in forever. Suck it up has always been my mantra. A very unrealistic point of view. So again I say thank you.

Hi Jay,
welcome to Male survivor
I'm sorry that you have reasons to be here, anyway it is good that you started to deal with all this stuff. Just take it easy and find your pace in looking for answers, learning, sharing and healing.
We are here to give support to each other, be aware that you are not alone in all this.
It is great that your wife is supportive, that means a lot to survivor. Healing is possible!
Keep sharing with us further!
Pero

Jay '75 I'm Scott '72. You've shown great courage to start the healing process. Welcome to our pity party. There are very few rules here so say what you will. Hardly any of us want pity (ok maybe I do a little...) most of us are here to purge. You said it, Jay. After holding it all in for 25 years its time to let go. That's what what we're here for, to hold your hair as you puke out every negative emotion you've ever bottled. But a word of advise: these first few steps will not help you get control of your feelings. You may feel an avalanche of emotion, you may feel like you've gone bonkers. That's ok. Sometimes we gotta go a little bit crazy before we can once again resume sanity. Courage gets us through. And a good therapist....

Hi Jay. Thanks for sharing your intro with us here.

Thanks guys for the welcome. Im trying to get it together. Im still comming to terms with the fact that I shared this with my wife, I left out all of the filthy details the words just couldnt leave my lips. Ive never shared this part of myself with anyone and now I feel like I have let her down . I feel like I let her in on a secret, that im not the man she thought she married. She has been nothing but supportive, its just my mind racing and my fears of what others will think getting the better of me. Now that I put it out there there are no take backs, now I have to face this crap head on and im not sure how I can. Ive always been in control and now I feel I have lost it. I dont understand why now, WHY NOW, why so many years later has this hit me so hard? As though someone took a knife and stabbed me in the chest and every few hours twists it to remind me its still there. I fear what took place so many years ago my actions during and after the abuse and ultimately how does that define who I am. as a Man A Father A Husband. Thanks for all the future support....

Jay - welcome and well done for taking courageous and significant steps - telling your wife and joining us here. you have turned a corner. it is good that your wife is supportive. you will need her - and also the help of a trained and experienced professional will be a huge asset if you can manage that.

this part of your post sounded exactly like me - and probly many others:

***"Ive never shared this part of myself with anyone and now I feel like I have let her down . I feel like I let her in on a secret, that im not the man she thought she married. She has been nothing but supportive, its just my mind racing and my fears of what others will think getting the better of me. Now that I put it out there there are no take backs, now I have to face this crap head on and im not sure how I can. Ive always been in control and now I feel I have lost it. I dont understand why now, WHY NOW, why so many years later has this hit me so hard? As though someone took a knife and stabbed me in the chest and every few hours twists it to remind me its still there. I fear what took place so many years ago my actions during and after the abuse and ultimately how does that define who I am. as a Man A Father A Husband."***

i know what that feels like - and it ain't fun or pretty. it's likely to be a rough road ahead - but you've made it this far - you can do it. and we are here for you - to offer help, encouragement, info and support.

Lee

Hi Jay,

Welcome to the clubhouse. None of us want to be a member here, and yet we love each other as the brothers we are because here, we're not alone. You're not alone.

The repressed memories; denials of feelings; unchecked emotions and feelings of shame and guilt? You're not alone.

Yes, it's going to be hard, but for starters, count your blessings that you have a supportive spouse to help you through it. Some of us aren't so lucky.

And also, you have us. We're here for you, and we love you.

You do not to feel guilty because of what happened 25 years ago. Those are not your sins; the effects of those sins that were thrust upon you, those aren't yours to feel guilty about, either.

And you've already broken the spell of shame by telling your wife with words what happened. Shame has no power over you any more. You're the same man, father, husband you were before it was spoken. And if people know? if people *talk*? That just makes you stronger, makes the shame and guilt go away even further because they feed on silence and secrets, so when you speak it they retreat.

Your emotions will find a balance soon. Keep talking to your wife and tell her with words what you are feeling.

And when you need us, we're here too.

Jim

Hi Jay,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

You ask yourself "why now?"

There are many reasons why this has come to the forefront. But the reality is, you can never keep it pushed away forever. Eventually the thoughts, feelings and memories come forth and demand that you deal with them. Perhaps your mind is letting you know that you are now able to face and deal with that which you tried to bury for so long.

It is good to hear that your wife is supportive.

You have not "let her down." Nor are you a different man than the man she married. What has changed is now she has answers for the things she might not have understood before.

You have let her in on a secret - quite possibly the biggest secret you have been carrying for many years. But it is not the secret that you may not be hte man she thought she married. It is the secret that someone (or several someones) have hurt you in ways you never should have been hurt. You have let her know that you have been shouldering this heavy burden all by yourself.

You are no longer alone and you do not have to carry that burden by yourself anymore.

The abuse(s) happened to you. It does not define you. You are more than what was done to you - so very much more. You are a man, husband and father, albeit one who has endured things no one should ever have experienced.

You do not say whether or not you are in therapy. If you feel therapy is an option, there are resources available. For help in finding a therapist please read the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping. Psychology Today has listings of therapists for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents. Some offer support groups in addition to individual therapy.

There are several books you might find useful.

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew

I am certain others will share titles they have found useful. You can find these titles, and others here at the bookstore.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in September.

Again, welcome to MS.




Anomalous

Thanks again everyone greatly appreciated.......

I havent been able to shake it. I had hopes that my having shared this with my wife would have laid it all to rest. I tried to reinvent the abuse , by twisting its truth to better deal with the pain. It didnt help. I had hopes that if I told myself it was nothing more than sexual experimentation I could live with it....... no dice.... I feel I have no connection with myself I feel im mourning a death. Perhaps the death of my childhood. I want so bad to extend my hand to that boy and tell him its going to be ok but he cant hear me. I dont understand this projection I have of myself.. There is me as I am now and the other me a kid alone scared and waiting for me to acknowledge him. I feel guilty I left him behind as did so many others. I put all my pain on him and left never looking back until now. And there he stands waiting for me to fix it. Curious , has anyone else had issues with not identifing or not connecting with who you were when the abuse took place.... I may be one screwed up individual... -JAY