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#404621 - 07/24/12 01:43 PM Brief History & Introduction
silentspouse Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 24
Loc: ID
I've been married for 10 years to my husband. About 4 years ago, I discovered pornography on his computer. We sought help, and I thought that everything was better. However, all through the years of our marriage, I had infrequent experiences of my husband attempting anal sex with me while I was sleeping. I thought somehow this was related to the type of pornogrpahy he was viewing. I would get angry, he would apologize. I often thought if I was more liberal with my sexuality, this wouldn't be a problem. I blamed myself.
Last December, he tried it again. I decided I had had enough. I made plans to file for divorce. I was heart broken. I could not reconcile the good man my husband is to the person who crossed boundaries while I was sleeping.
I made an appointment with a sex addiction therapist to discuss my emotions and our upcoming divorce. My husband asked if he could come, too. I agreed. The night before the appointment, my husband told me about his childhood sexual abuse.
It happened from the age of 6 to 8, and the perpetrator was a neighborhood boy who was only 1 1/2 years older than my husband.
My husband also revealed to me that from the onset of puberty he has compulsive masturbation problems, and he self-mutilates himself in the same anatomical area as his abuse - to the point of drawing blood and experiencing excrutiating pain. I do not know how I could have missed the signs of this through all these years.
This information has been devastating. He has been in recovery and "sexually sober" for 8 months. I find myself torn between compassion and rage.
My husband is desperately searching for someone who is like him. Someone who's abuser was nearly the same age and someone who used a coping mechanism similar to his. I thought this was crazy until I realized I was looking for the same thing... a similar story.
My husband's parents are supportive but tend to make excuses for the abuser (he had a bad home life, etc). Our relationship is strained. We're working with our pastors and a therapist. The cost of therapy is depleting all our resources. I am a stay-at-home mom, and we've always lived on a tight budget. I resent the idea of going back to work to pay for this slow and tedious therapy. I struggle with the selfishness of that statement. I cannot afford therapy for myself, and I'm disappointed in the only 12 step group in our area.

I'm hopeful but tired. Thank you for listening.

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#404624 - 07/24/12 02:03 PM Re: Brief History & Introduction [Re: silentspouse]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1038
Hello there.

You are going the extra mile seeking us out, so clearly you are a good spouse who wants to make things work.

There are guys here who suffered from peer abuse as boys, so your husband is not alone. And this is like the recovering compulsive masturbators' hall of fame.

For you, there's a friends and family message board, where I'm sure there are other parents and spouses for you to connect with.

So your husband is coming around, but he's also crossed the line with you too many times for you to go on with the status quo. I think you both are on the right track.

One thing to think about: yes, therapy is expensive, but so is divorce. And if you divorce him, you would likely not be a stay-at-home mom then, either. So, which is it going to be?

Being a stay-at-home mom is a rewarding career, but it doesn't make any money. Your husband is bringing in 100% of the income, but you feel entitled to this situation? Many families need two incomes to get by on. Don't blame his abuse or his therapy if you end up going back to work. That's just life.

Jim
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#404627 - 07/24/12 02:20 PM Re: Brief History & Introduction [Re: silentspouse]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
**sigh** It pains me to welcome you to the club house. Your honesty will serve you well, here. We have but one rule: never apologize or feel guilty about your feelings. Ok, we have a couple other rules but that's the main rule. It is ok to say ugly accusatory things, it's ok to vent. You need let that out, to be heard and to be supported. So does your husband. We are here for you and we are here for him.

There are many survivors here who have had similar experiences as your husband. But really, the exact circumstances of his abuse are not as important as him addressing those symptoms. Symptoms we all share, incidentally. Porn? Check. Sexual bounadry issues? Check. Self-destructive? Check. The list goes on and nearly every survivor here can identify with these problems. By the way, these issues are a constellation of dysfunctions that point to a single damaging source, childhood sexual abuse. Rather than seeking therapy for each problem it may be more helpful and effective to find a counselor who treats CSA specifically. The MS mainpage has links for finding such a therapist.

Lastly, I invite you to meet us over in Family & Friends. There are good women over there who can help you sort through your feelings and confusion. Also, and no less importantly, I encourage your husband to join MS and participate in the healing. He will soon find that his feelings of isolation and shame will diminish through the support of the wonderful men who contribute. You will meet some of them next....

-Scott

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#404629 - 07/24/12 02:57 PM Re: Brief History & Introduction [Re: silentspouse]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1038
And by the way,

There's nothing wrong with your husband having porn on his computer. That's not a survivor issue; that's a man issue.

If you're married to a man, he's going to look at porn.

Now, if it's freaky porn, or weird porn, or even if it's gay porn, I can see that MIGHT be an issue -- but if it was just regular big-titty porn? That's no big deal.
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#404650 - 07/24/12 04:37 PM Re: Brief History & Introduction [Re: silentspouse]
silentspouse Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 24
Loc: ID
I wish I could say it wasn't freaky porn.... but it was extremely freaky porn! The first time around we treated the porn like the only problem, but now that I know about the molestation, I understand it was a symptom of a bigger issue. Thank goodness we can now work on the real hurt. For us, when the porn starts, the drinking follows, and then the compulsive masturbation, followed by the self-mutilation. So, honestly, porn can't exist here at all because it's the beginning of a cycle that reinforces all my husband's guilt and shame. To each his own, though.

You are quite right - divorce would also take me away from the kids and back to work. But please don't mistake me for the stereotypical housewife that sits around all day watching TV or shopping, without regard to my husband's contribution. It's a source of pride for both of us that we've used sacrifice and creativity to keep this home running for the past 9 years. I don't take for granted the work my husband does, especially in the midst of his therapy and group meeting schedules, along with the emotional turmoil we are going through at home. I understand I'm being selfish... but it's not so much going back to work as it is giving up the dream I had for our future. That's hard to let go of, and that's where the hurt is. I know it's selfish.

I will say that my husband's therapist has been fantastic. He is a CSA therapist, as well as an SA therapist. I know we've finally got the right help.

Thank you for the welcome and sharing your thoughts. Thank you for letting me share mine. Now that I've made an introduction, I'm going to head over to the friends and family board.

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#404856 - 07/26/12 04:31 AM Re: Brief History & Introduction [Re: cant_remember]
Crusoe Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Dubai
Originally Posted By: cant_remember
And by the way,

There's nothing wrong with your husband having porn on his computer. That's not a survivor issue; that's a man issue.

If you're married to a man, he's going to look at porn.

Now, if it's freaky porn, or weird porn, or even if it's gay porn, I can see that MIGHT be an issue -- but if it was just regular big-titty porn? That's no big deal.


This is a very damaging statement to make!

*Triggers*

Disclaimer: My following statement is not meant to hurt any survivors struggling with these issues. But rather to identify where our end goal ought to be.

Let me be clear - I am sure plenty of non-survivor men have or do look at porn. Our society appears to normalise this and other sexualising issues all the time.

I do NOT think it is healthy for ANYBODY! Let alone those of us with sexual dysfunction.

Where is the attraction in looking at all these abused and degraded human beings in the first place? (I have looked at a lot of porn and ignored my very beautiful 'Big Tittied' wife in the process with no reward!) - Fact - 96-98% of Porn Actors have been abused!

Assuming any porn came from some form of healthy source (Which it doesn't), viewing it will NEVER be helpful to a meaningful and intimate relationship.

It is far easier to be a Voyeur than it is to be an active, present participant in an intimate act. This is why so many of us struggle with Porn - Not just survivors. But it is still a flight from intimacy! The use of porn and masturbation becomes our drug of escape. So we don't have to feel or think. This kind of sexual gratification does not have any meaning to it other than degradation. Perhaps this is why it feels safe! No vulnerability - No feelings! - We certainly don't consider the feelings of the people we are watching. They are behind a screen - not real some how. But they ARE real people with REAL problems. I don't think we should be encouraging them.

I conclude that porn can never be a part of a truly healthy and intimate relationship. I am aware that some couples may use porn for their sexual gratification - But I question how this gratification fits in with the feelings they have for each other, if you have to disassociate from one another to be sexual.

Lets be honest - Women are treated like rag dolls and objects in most porn, which doesn't help boys and men's view of women in real life relationships. A lot of perverse sexual ideas are created about what these women would like or dislike that again causes problems in relating with a REAL LIFE woman.

Normalising these issues doesn't help us or our supporters!!!

We all (Women and Men) have sexual desires and drives. This is not something I am trying to demonise. How we apply our drives and desires and how we relate to and consider other peoples feelings however are critical in our healing.

Crusoe

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#404858 - 07/26/12 05:30 AM Re: Brief History & Introduction [Re: silentspouse]
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 35
Intros is not the place for this debate, however, i agree with you, Crusoe. Believe me, i have read so much about porn and it's effects. I also checked out Shelley Lubben's website. It's a very interesting read.

Porn is not glamourous. It is sick to the very core. I'm sorry, but i feel so strongly about this so i'm going out on a limb here and i'm sure my post will be removed. When are men (and some women) going to stop paying these people's wages????
The people in porn are degraded, very very lost souls. When are viewers going to stop abusing them???!!! THEY ARE HUMAN BEINGS TOO.

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#405957 - 08/06/12 01:34 AM Re: Brief History & Introduction [Re: silentspouse]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Wow. I'm glad I didn't see this Intro last week! Though just reading the news yesterday about a huge global child porn ring that's being cracked (140 arrests so far), where toddlers and a baby just 19-days-old were raped while taped for distribution makes the pro-porn assertion very disturbing.

Crusoe and LouLou- BRAVO! Porn is poison. It is the crack cocaine of sexual addiction and dysfunction. There is nothing good to come of it. It is degrading to the actors, to the viewer and to the spouse. Porn is a pit that has gone from "big titties" (how insulting) to children and babies being raped- all for the viewing pleasure of...? Addiction is progressive. If you become addicted to porn- and most do- you will increase your flavors to include harder and harder core porn.

If we are sincere in stopping CSA, we have to stop the objectification of human bodies altogether. It's a slippery slope that most people will slide down until they've landed in a heap.

Silentspouse- there is NO shame in balking at your entire life having to change because of CSA. YOU didn't plan your life around it. You didn't even know about it! The disruption of your life is the direct responsibility of your husband's abuse. It's okay to be angry. Your anger is not selfish; it is realistic.

Blessing-
herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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