Guys, tonight my family had a massive argument. I got pretty angry and literally told them (shouted) everything. And right now, I don't know how to feel because my brother said he doesn't remember doing it, he even denied it.
Did I make this up? I feel so disgusting.
H18--First of all, Hugs bro ((((((((H18))))))))).
I was molested/raped by my brother. I too am gay. I too had a shouting episode with my family where I accused my brother of his wrongs. My family swept it under the rug and pretended that it didn't happen. The level of denial in my family is toxic, alcoholic, and fuels intense family dynamics that control everyone's behavior and is poisonous and toxic.
Today I choose not to engage. I know what the truth is, I know whether they admit it or not. I seek professional help to heal from my abuse and toxic shame. I don't need to forgive my brother, nor discuss it with my parents, I literally don't talk to them anymore.
It is up to you how to handle the emotional ups and downs of dealing with your family. But either way I urge you to get a professional on deck to help you learn how to lessen the impact of the abuse long term and how to intervene in your life and advocate for health. You admit to considering self harm, which (though very common among us survivors of incest and CSA) is a red flag that you should obtain theraputic assistance. While I have not been able to erase the effects that abuse has had on my life, I have been able to mitigate and control how much it has impacted me and how much it continues to impact me. When my emotions threaten to destroy my life I seek help, I think you should too.
Remember you are not to blame,
You didn't make this up, and you have nothing to feel disgusting about. You are a beautiful person, a strong and able survivor who is forging ahead in spite of (almost) insurmountable abuses.
See a therapist, and don't forget to cut yourself some slack where your family is concerned. You are gay, You are priceless, you are a miracle, and you will survive. (Make the trip easier by advocating for yourelf and getting a leg up when you need it bro...none of us make it alone).
Best of Luck H18 and remember we love you.