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#404560 - 07/23/12 11:10 PM How do I regain control of life?
TMC Offline


Registered: 06/03/12
Posts: 15
Loc: NYS
For the past few years, I have wandered through life without truly believing in myself. At the end of high school I began having thoughts and feelings that were not rational or controllable. I slowly became overwhelmed by this mental storm to the point where I focus solely on my thoughts, almost as an obsession.
I started looking at myself believing I was doing things all wrong, comparing myself to other people, putting myself down for not being "normal" and fulfilled. I have a good sense of humor but have not had a real laugh in some time.
All I can do is hate myself for being caught up in this mess of a life. I feel even more guilty for having a fantastic life and still being miserable. I come from a great family, have had the best parents, and have everything I could ever want but I cannot appreciate what I have, I can only focus on the negative and be negative. I could be so much more if my male babysitter had not used and groomed me into being a puppet for his pleasure. I'm very outgoing and easily make friends, but I find it hard to make real friends, I just look for approval from others without any intimacy, and it makes me more estranged.
I often think, am I crazy? is this all in my head? The thing that bothers me the most is that I am obsessed with figuring this all out, while LIFE passes before me, never stopping, no matter how much I wish I could press pause. What can I do?
_________________________
May the sun shine upon your face and the wind be at your back

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#404571 - 07/24/12 01:12 AM Re: How do I regain control of life? [Re: TMC]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1428
Loc: California
Hey TMC,

You describe something hauntingly familiar to me, and to most (if not all) other guys here on MS. Something was robbed from us.

Authenticity.

We grew distorted because of our early sexual experience. Our bodies and consciousness made a premature connection between love / sex / intimacy - in childhood. We were unprepared for the experience, did our best to comprehend it, and as a result, grew up around this distorted comprehension, without realizing it.

You're doing the right thing by coming here and asking this very profound and provocative question.

I have found (and many others) that the answers to our problems reside in several things (some of which you're doing already):

1. Admit it happened.
2. Become aware of its impact on us.
3. Reach out for help, and ask questions.
4. Seek support, and share as much as comfortable.

... you've done these already. There's a few more beyond this (like choosing to love yourself). They come naturally with application, time, perseverence, and patience.

You're not crazy. You're 'coming to' just like all of us have. Welcome.

D
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#404583 - 07/24/12 07:25 AM Re: How do I regain control of life? [Re: TMC]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1448
Wow - you sound so much like me I could almost wonder if I wrote this and just forgot I did...

Quote:
comparing myself to other people, putting myself down for not being "normal"

The antidote: just realize "normal" is not anything to aspire to. I am surrounded all day with normal people doing normal things laughing at normal jokes with normal friends in normal neighborhoods leading normal lives that lead to normals graves where they are normally forgotten. Give me unnormal, abnormal, anormal, anti-normal, hyper-normal ANY day. The only people I've known or read about who amounted to anything beyond their little spheres were anything but normal.

Here is one story you should be familiar with. She stood up to Joe Paterno when it was highly "abnormal" to do so. This quote resonates still...

Quote:
"The culture is deep," she said. "The culture is making decisions based on how others will react, not based on what's right and wrong."

So all the so-called "normal" ones were... wrong? You bet. The safe thing for her to do would have been to sign off to the "normal" tide. And we never would have read about her.

One of the best lessons I have learned in this journey I call recovery is to stand my ground and stick to my guns about what is right or wrong. Be who you are and always place principles over popularity - and those that really matter in your life will stand there with you.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#404586 - 07/24/12 07:52 AM Re: How do I regain control of life? [Re: TMC]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3493
Loc: somewhere in Africa
TMC -

you've got good counsel from two really great guys already.

i want to approach it from a different angle...

you asked, "how do i regain control of life?"

i think if you are expecting that outcome, you will continue to be frustrated and feel dissatisfied. ask yourself if you have ever really had complete control of your life. i know i never have. there were times when i thought i did - but all it really amounted to was my temporary ability to keep the mess covered up and hidden even from myself.

it was actually sort of a relief once i admitted to myself that i was not able to control everything. it meant that i was not the only one who was responsible for my issues. and that allowed me to seek and find and accept help and start to make some positive steps to address the issues instead of denying them or trying to fix it all by myself.

your drive to figure it out and make sense of it and find answers and solutions is admirable. but it is overwhelming to try to do it all at once. be easier on yourself. take it one step at a time. maybe that's where you should start - not beating yourself up for not getting it all done instantly.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#404716 - 07/25/12 02:59 AM Re: How do I regain control of life? [Re: TMC]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
hi. glad to see your still with us. Many men join maybe make a post and then vanish back into the ether. You're asking questions. That's great. One way to get right in the head is to stick around and contribute. The other component is therapy, really, it's true. And this is coming from a guy who needed a therapist to get over his therapist. BTW you feel like your nuts... that you're moving through life without being an actor in your own life? well it took me years to get as sane as that. At 20 I was bat-shit crazy. For real. So it's all relative and I think you are normal.

The main point I want to highlight is a phrase Magellen used expertly, "We grew distorted." Yes. Distorted thinking. That is why you cannot enjoy a life that should be fulfilling. That is why you focus only on the negative. That is why you cannot feel close to anyone. You tried to make sense of your abuse without any coping skills. So you became distorted in thinking about yourself and how you fit in to the world as an outsider. Therapy TMC will help you to realign your thinking to a more balanced and rational view. Don't I seem rational? Remember, I was bat-shit once.
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#404935 - 07/26/12 08:10 PM Re: How do I regain control of life? [Re: Chase Eric]
TMC Offline


Registered: 06/03/12
Posts: 15
Loc: NYS
I really appreciate the fact that I can can tell my story to people who care and understand, its enlightening. Its pretty heavy when you look around at your life and nothing seems to make sense and its been a lie. The funny thing is you would never guess I have so much going on with me, I try and be someone different, what I consider normal is someone who has a personality and uniqueness. Does anyone else find themselves being seriously analytic all the time? I try and break people down in my head and figure out what their deal is, I read between the lines and make assumptions, which I think is some kind of defense mechanism to be able to protect myself. Who can relate?
_________________________
May the sun shine upon your face and the wind be at your back

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#404941 - 07/26/12 08:58 PM Re: How do I regain control of life? [Re: TMC]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1448
Originally Posted By: TMC
Who can relate?

I can. I'm not so sure it has everything to do with my abuse, but I can't say for sure since those tracks are hard to follow. Time allowed enough weeds to grow over the paths I traveled that it's tough to fully trace the memories.

I used to be very self-analytical, but - paradoxically - the way I found myself was by focusing outside.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#404947 - 07/26/12 09:14 PM Re: How do I regain control of life? [Re: TMC]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3493
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: TMC
I really appreciate the fact that I can can tell my story to people who care and understand, its enlightening.
...
Does anyone else find themselves being seriously analytic all the time? I try and break people down in my head and figure out what their deal is, I read between the lines and make assumptions, which I think is some kind of defense mechanism to be able to protect myself. Who can relate?


enlightening - right you are! i have several times had some sort of revelation while telling parts of my story that i had never verbalized before. like putting it into a form that someone else could understand helped me to understand things that i hadn't realized previously. that's one reason my T says he wants me to write it, read it and speak it - because all three activities use different parts of the brain and it forces connections to be made that i had very carefully tried to keep isolated before.

and the analytical tendency - yes , it is definitely a defense mechanism. i can remember the exact time and place when/where i decided to live only in my head and shut down the emotions. by being objective about it all, it may help us know and understand - but it doesn't help us live, feel and heal. i'm having to go back and re-learn all that now - and experiencing some of the painful emotions that i had put on hold or in quarantine for decades. it's painful, but satisfying - like pulling out a splinter or something...

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#405054 - 07/27/12 11:17 PM Re: How do I regain control of life? [Re: TMC]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
TMC,
My wife and I just read your post and it is like you took th words outta my mouth. I have said the exact same thing to her. What helps me is my spiritual faith and my wife. Best of luck brother.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#405584 - 08/01/12 11:06 PM Re: How do I regain control of life? [Re: TMC]
TMC Offline


Registered: 06/03/12
Posts: 15
Loc: NYS
This is all very profound, I reach out to all of you with my heart. I want to say I feel different since I have been on this site, I've had something to focus on, i.e. an objective interpretation of my abuse and who I am. I have been going down the long road for a few years, a lonely road, walking in circles. This road became a rut, which became a cave. To feel such despondency and helplessness is appalling. To be reduced an empty shell of a person is a shame. The lack of control must just be a lack of emotional control. When you go down a road like we have, you begin to change and distort and you don't even realize it. Its like one day I woke up and just started believing I wasn't myself or anyone, I began to search for my inner peace. This is the beginning of my exodus, right here, right now.
_________________________
May the sun shine upon your face and the wind be at your back

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#405670 - 08/02/12 09:56 PM Re: How do I regain control of life? [Re: Chase Eric]
Steve0123 Offline


Registered: 05/30/12
Posts: 80
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
used to be very self-analytical, but - paradoxically - the way I found myself was by focusing outside.



...can you elaborate Eric? What do you mean you focused on the outside?

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#405677 - 08/03/12 12:02 AM Re: How do I regain control of life? [Re: TMC]
Tyler845 Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 276
Loc: U.S.A.
And Angels To Carry Your Loft- To Dance With The Stars. '

Cheers TMC.

Everything you've said I could've said. The distorted thinking, e negative self image, All things I had in spades when first coming to the site. The blessing of MS and it's members continues to be a positive source that has changed is changing my life completely. In the e beginning, the best advice I got has already been shared by Magellan, or perhaps it was traveler, who earlier in your read said to take it easy on yourself for now. The beginning can be EXTREMELY rocky emotionally, as I'm sure you're already well aware. Congratulations on being courageous enough to come into the light. Sending respect and admiration your way.

Be well bro '
_________________________
Most Often, The Child Inside Has Better Access To Execute The Flawless Potential Of Self.

Over-Ride Emotional Conflict With Rational Truths

You Are Freer Than You Think - Paul Berteaux

Come unto Me, all ye that Labor, and are Heavy-ladened. I will give you Rest -Jesus Christ

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#405723 - 08/03/12 03:53 PM Re: How do I regain control of life? [Re: Tyler845]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
I read your first post and it was like looking into a mirror. I can relate to so much of what you wrote. My heart felt heavy as I read your entry. I have been moving along the path of recovery for about 5 years now, and it feels endless it seems. I have learned that I cannot control the tides of life, but I can become comfortable with uncertainty.

Am I there yet? Hell no I am not. My mother was highly unpredictable emotionally in the early years of my life, and the abuse shattered my notion of safety. I do analyze others and spend more time thinking about life than actually living. But I can't stay sober (sexual acting out via porn and chats) long enough to feel there is any real meaning to relationships. I struggle with emotions because I have never really allowed myself to have them. It was always easier to be cold and clinical. People can't touch you that way.

I have felt like a shell the way you described. Like a collection of skin and bones wandering through life aimlessly without any real sense of purpose. Like I am not connected to any real meaning. I know that feeling very well. I have been trying to figure it all out, but the truth is I struggle to gain control over my behavior and my emotions so I am not in a position to figure anything else. I am oblivious even to myself and my machinations.

I relate to what you wrote with striking accuracy. We walk the same path my friend. May you find that inner peace you seek. Heal well brother.

Cheers,
_________________________
I am the warrior.

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