Newest Members
ShinTensei, jaklumen, Bennett, 0128, jeremywickers
12505 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Drea (31), gpdno (47), serb guy (49), Thomas8221 (60), UncleClover (43)
Who's Online
2 registered (2 invisible), 12 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12505 Members
74 Forums
64194 Topics
447976 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#404705 - 07/25/12 01:24 AM Re: MaleSurvior Statement on NCAA Sanctions [Re: Chris Anderson]
Chris Anderson Offline
Executive Director
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 239
Loc: New York
Quote:
As for the divide, I really don't understand. I've made several overtures to bridge the divide but it seems people aren't interested. This is not a criticism, just a concern.


Gary,

I suppose I could send this as PM as well, but I would rather this be out on the public side.

I remember at my first WOR, when we laid out all the ground rules for what we would need to feel safe enough to really commit to the weekend, I was quiet for quite some time and felt really scared. I remember thinking to myself that I didn't belong in that room because what happened to me didn't seem so severe. I only recall one incident of overt abuse clearly, and all around me were guys who had undergone years and years of systemic abuse, sometimes at the hands of multiple predators.

I was just about to check out for good, and if I hadn't been all the way on the other side of the country I might have packed up my stuff and left. (Thank god I didn't!) After feeling really uncomfortable for a while I finally figured out what it was that was bothering me so much, and I raised my hand.

"I need everyone here to know that there's no hierarchy of abuse." I couldn't believe I'd said it out loud, and I was sure I was going to get roundly booed by everyone around me. Much to my shock, the exact opposite thing happened, a few people thanked me for saying that. Some of them, I would later learn, actually had stories that made mine seem like a walk in the park on a drizzly day without an umbrella by comparison.

Ever since then, that's been one of my mantras. There is no hierarchy of abuse. The plain truth is that we cannot understand how and why some people respond to trauma in the ways they do. Some people experience severe, prolonged trauma and seem to adapt and adjust with relatively minimal dysfunction. Some people can have their entire lives shattered by one isolated abusive experience. What matters in the long run is not how severe the abuse may or may not have been for a person, what matters is the impact abuse has on that person.

For me, the abuse I experienced cemented the damaged sense of self I had been developing throughout my earlier childhood. But there are some people who have a relatively idyllic life shattered by a single instant of powerlessness. There is no reason that I should not offer my heart and my support to anyone who has been hurt just because our stories differ.

Sometimes I think it's just as simple as that. There is no hierarchy of abuse. No one of us has any reason to conclude that their experiences set us apart from the rest of the community. Some people will do so because they are still raw and hurting and need to protect themselves. I understand that need, and have given myself over to that impulse more times that I'd care to admit.

But -- everyone has a unique story. That's why people are given the time they need to tell their stories in the way they need at the Weekends. It's the commonality of our shared pain that connects us, and gives us the power to help one another heal. Those of us who throw up obstacles to the formation of those healing bonds are ultimately perpetuating the isolation and pain that they have been trapped within for so long.


Edited by Chris Anderson (07/25/12 01:25 AM)

Top
#404793 - 07/25/12 08:22 PM * [Re: Chris Anderson]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 11:41 AM)

Top
#404796 - 07/25/12 08:34 PM Re: MaleSurvior Statement on NCAA Sanctions [Re: Chris Anderson]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1046
For a long time, I thought because I couldn't remember my abuse that I was somehow less of a survivor than my brothers with graphic tales.

I later learned that us non-rememberers make up a fair share of the survivor community, but it's great to hear it articulated that "there's no hierarchy of abuse."

It puts to rest nagging concerns that I'm somehow less of a survivor without a story.
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

Top
#404814 - 07/25/12 10:01 PM Re: MaleSurvior Statement on NCAA Sanctions [Re: Chris Anderson]
pablo Offline


Registered: 06/08/12
Posts: 16
Loc: New Jersey
Dear all --

I am very much impressed by the sanctions and fines, which though not often mentioned include the loss of post-season funds, $13M, which the Big Ten will also contribute to the fund for survivors, bringing the total to $73M.

Most important to me was the forfeiture of past wins. For the NCAA and Penn State to recognize that the culture of football contributed to the crimes is a very high moral standard. Had football not ruled PSU, Sandusky could not have committed his crimes there. From the day that Paterno first learned that his assistant coach was a pederast, every win was tainted.

Certainly, the innocent players lost out. But how many of them questioned the prominence of football at what came to be called Linebacker U?

Indeed, part of what MS stands for is a recognition that 'it takes a village'. Just as the feminist movement has correctly argued that the objectification of women in the larger society contributes to rape, so, too, the NCAA and PSU now recognize that turning football into a cult contributes to sexual violence. I applaud them for this and am glad that MS supports this high moral standard.

Some have also argued that the settlement focuses too much on CSA. With respect and appreciation for the pain of those who were raped or molested as adults, I think it important that the settlement address CSA as that is the crime that Sandusky and PSU committed. At the same time, funding will of course benefit ASA survivors, too, as more money in the pool of resources will help us all. The money will go to a wide range of organizations, many of which will provide support to a larger audience of survivors, freeing up money for ASA survivors that would otherwise have funded programs for CSA survivors. Male survivors of all types will benefit.

The most important thing is that our own community is not divided. MS is about supporting male survivors. While most of the focus is on CSA and on survivors of male predators, I think that is mostly a function of sheer numbers. I myself was molested by my mother, whose excessive fascination with little boys ruined my childhood and has deeply colored my adult life, and not always in good ways. This particular set of circumstances is also less well represented here, and will likely not be the focus of the many charities supported by the new funding, but for me, anything that addresses the MS community benefits us all. We are one.

Also, as a sidebar: this week, the court sentenced Msgr. Lynn to 3-6 years, a significant sentence for someone who himself did not molest anyone but was found guilty of endangerment for moving so-called pedophile priests around. Coincidentally, he was found guilty the same week as Sandusky. Seeing the NCAA hold PSU accountable for shielding Sandusky and the court in PA holding Lynn accountable has really inspired me and given me hope.

May we live in healing times.

Pablo

Top
#404821 - 07/25/12 10:31 PM Re: MaleSurvior Statement on NCAA Sanctions [Re: Chris Anderson]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 826
Loc: Ohio
There is something I want to point out about the innocence of current players. From what I understand, Sandusky was still frequently in the company of boys around the football program even after the grand jury investigation and yes, even at Paterno's last win. Many of these players describe seeing Sandusky like this. Was McQuery the ONLY one that saw something. Were the janitor's the only other ones? These were only the ones that the prosecutors could PROVE. We all realize that given the average behavior and statistics of abuse patterns, that Sandusky's victims were likely in the hundreds and that the abuse most likely goes back to the 60's. Given that time span and Sandusky's behaviors, these players saw enough that I am not buying the "innocence" of the players past and present.
_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Top
#404938 - 07/26/12 08:49 PM * [Re: Chris Anderson]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 11:44 AM)

Top
#405015 - 07/27/12 03:07 PM Re: MaleSurvior Statement on NCAA Sanctions [Re: Chris Anderson]
Chris Anderson Offline
Executive Director
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 239
Loc: New York
We are making that case, I promise you.

In the meantime, I encourage you all to contact Penn State, the NCAA, and the Big Ten conference via email, twitter, and on the phone to let them know that you think MaleSurvivor should be in line for some of those funds.

I'm going to do everything in my power to make it happen (and have already begun the outreach), but we need all the support we can get.

Chris

Top
#405030 - 07/27/12 05:16 PM Re: MaleSurvior Statement on NCAA Sanctions [Re: Chris Anderson]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1046
If/when any of us find the correct & appropriate contact persons at these places, please post them here so that we can easily follow up on it.

To get the ball rolling, here's the contact info I could find for the members of the NCAA Infractions Committee. Not sure who will be ultimately responsible for doling out their $60M penalty, but it's a good place to start. (If someone knows who exactly at the NCAA will be the decision-maker on this, let us know.)

James S. Black -- attorney in Kansas City
jblack@polsinelli.com

Roscoe Howard -- attorney in Washington, DC
202.662.2750
law firm's contact-us page: http://www.andrewskurth.com/contact.html

Gregory Sankey, SEC
(contact info hard to find)

Britton Banowsky, Conference USA
info@c-usa.org

Melissa Conboy -- U. of Notre Dame
574 631 5143 -- Melissa.L.Conboy.1@nd.edu

James O'Fallon -- law professor at Oregon
(541) 346-3830

Rodney Uphoff -- law professor at Missouri
UphoffR@missouri.edu
(573) 882-3035

Dr. Dennis. E. Thomas -- commissioner of the MEAC conference
commissioner@themeac.com
MEAC main office line 757-951-2055

Eleanor Myers -- Law professor at Temple
eleanor.myers@temple.edu
215.204.1923

Christopher Griffin -- attorney in Tampa
cgriffin@foley.com
813.225.4194

Keep messages or phone calls to these folks simple and direct. Grammar, spelling and punctuation matter. Keep your paragraphs short.

I haven't had time to reach out yet, but I'm planning on saying something like:

I understand you are on the NCAA Committee on Infractions, so I am writing to you to see if you can tell me who the point-person will be for distributing the $60 million fine assessed to Penn State University.

I would like to contact that person to tell them how much MaleSurvivor.Org has helped in my life and recovery process. With over 10,000 registered members representing the statistically estimated 25 million American men living as survivors of sex abuse, Male Survivor is the best there is.

With the support of the NCAA, Male Survivor could do a lot more, and there is much that needs to be done.

Please let me know at your earliest convenience to whom I should address further correspondence in this matter.

Yours...

(Perhaps Chris A or others in leadership can tell us what we might possibly be able to do with a grant from the NCAA so that we can articulate that to these folks as we contact them?)
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

Top
#405032 - 07/27/12 05:48 PM Re: MaleSurvior Statement on NCAA Sanctions [Re: Chris Anderson]
pablo Offline


Registered: 06/08/12
Posts: 16
Loc: New Jersey
A few quick comments:

I appreciate catfish's comment on the innocence of the former players very much, as many of us wonder where our families and friends were when we were being abused. But insofar as we do wonder, it gives me pause. I agree that some of them must have at least suspected something, but given how many people close to me should have known and didn't, I would be careful about assigning blame at that level. But I do agree that those wins should have been vacated.

On the issue of contacting NCAA and PSU (and Big Ten) officials, I would be careful about using statistics such as the 'estimated 25 million American men living as survivors of sex abuse'. People are always arguing about stats .... I think it's better to focus as cant_remember also suggests on the personal good that MS has done us all. Coming from members, stats don't matter and won't win arguments. But our personal testimony will matter.

Pablo

Top
#405036 - 07/27/12 06:57 PM * [Re: Chris Anderson]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 11:45 AM)

Top
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  Chase Eric, ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.