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#40450 - 02/04/03 01:38 PM Last night
Kieran1 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 33
Loc: Canada
I told my wife about my abuse last night.For a moment she was like she was in shock,then grabbed me and held me as I blurted out everything to her. She didn't ask any questions and let me vent all that had happened that terrible summer so long ago.I have never cried and shook so much! I am so lucky to have a partner that is so non-judgemental.I talked for hours it seems,all the while she hugged me,telling me it was OK,keep talking,let it all out.When it felt I had no more tears left she gently told me how lucky she was to have me as a husband and that she will support me 100 percent,we will tackle this together. She even said she knew something had been bothering me for the last few weeks.She cried with me for a long time last night,neither of us got much sleep but now I am so relieved the abuse is now out in the open. In all my life this has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do! You know,I felt like that little kid again for just a moment,telling someone that a man had abused me,as if I was telling my parents that terrible summer so long ago. I have to go now,but I will talk again in a few days.Thank-You from Kieran.


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#40451 - 02/04/03 01:42 PM Re: Last night
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Kieran
I can hardly type for crying...

that's wonderful news.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#40452 - 02/04/03 02:37 PM Re: Last night
paddyd Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/17/03
Posts: 1
Loc: yonkers
Kieran1,
I am so happy for you. Like Lloydy, I am crying over your post. You are very lucky to have that support. Keep talking to her and remember to be there for her also. Not everyone can understand the stuff that we are going through.

Good Luck and I will keep you in my prayers.


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#40453 - 02/04/03 03:23 PM Re: Last night
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
WOW!!! Thanks for touching a place so deep in my heart. Tears are puddling in my eyes too. I felt like I was right there with you and feeling my own pain along side of you. I also felt the joy you must have in your heart to have someone so special. You are a lucky man to have a wife that can be right there with you too. You have blessed yourself, your wife, and even our day here. What a gift you shared.

--be gentle with yourself


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#40454 - 02/04/03 03:40 PM Re: Last night
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Kieran.
Like the rest I am crying tears of joy. We all told you that she saw something in you. You obviously new how to pick a partner. Remeber I said it would be like a boil bursting. It is still a big deal but just think YOU HAVE SOMEONE UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL TO HELP YOU DOWN THE ROAD. Give us updates to let us know about your progress. Keep posting with issues that we may be able to help you and that wonderful wife of yours.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#40455 - 02/04/03 04:39 PM Re: Last night
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
CRY OF JOY,
CRY OF JOY
HOW SPECIAL A CRY OF JOY


What great joy this brings to my heart today 2/4/03.
Kieran
Quote:
In all my life this has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do! You know,I felt like that little kid again for just a moment,telling someone that a man had abused me,as if I was telling my parents that terrible summer so long ago.
Yes you where that little kid ,but now you are a survivor on the road to healing. That little kid will still be with you on your journel to help you alone the way. We all knew that your wife would be there for you, she loves you .
It is so great that we have this place to come and share. Thanks all for bringing JOY into my life today. Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#40456 - 02/04/03 05:05 PM Re: Last night
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 317
Loc: Texas
Sounds just like Kim and me Last week. I was so afraid she was going to leave me. I'm very happy for you. I hope you have as much support from her as I do from my wife. She wants to help so much but I'm afraid too much of this crap might crush her as she's had problems with depression for years.

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#40457 - 02/04/03 05:44 PM Re: Last night
moo2 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/31/03
Posts: 82
Loc: pottsboro,texas
I am so very grateful that you told your wife about your abuse. There was always some type of sign that something is wrong. Now you can share anything that is bothering you with her. That in its self is a huge relief for both you and her. My hubby just told me on Thursday. I just felt so much empathy rushing through me. I just need to help him through this pain and our marrage will be stronger because of it. AND YOUR MARRAGE WILL BE MUCH STRONGER. \:\) :p

justkim


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#40458 - 02/04/03 08:51 PM Re: Last night
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Kieran:

Tears of joy & relief for you, brother survivor. This was very much like the response of my wife when I told her about 18 months ago. She has continued to be very supportive, as I trust your wife will. You are blessed in this, and thanks for sharing the blessing.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#40459 - 02/06/03 01:58 PM Re: Last night
Kieran1 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 33
Loc: Canada
Thanks everyone who have sent me all the messages of support,empathy and most importantly your genuine tears for me.To reveal all the abuse to my wife, and trying to find the words to describe it, has still been difficult for me.However,I know now how big a step this is for me. I have a journey to make,with my wife,my therapist and with the support of you brothers if I can call you that.I still have lots to share and will check in daily for help and questions on how you have dealt with your abuse,and recovery.

Bye for now,Kieran


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#40460 - 02/06/03 09:43 PM Re: Last night
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Kieran,

As you see, you have touched us in our deepest selves. We so need to read beautiful stories like yours. It gives us all strength and courage. Everytime the silence is broken to anyone, we are all a bit safer and more free than we ever though we could be.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#40461 - 02/07/03 05:09 AM Re: Last night
Jess Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 107
Loc: California
Thanks, Kieran:

I am fairly new here and just began therapy. Like so many, up until now I have never spoken about being sexually abused as a child by a friendly, nice and well-like neighborhood man. This experience affected and altered my entire childhood. I became obsessed about sex from that time forward. I thought about it all the time. I dreamed about it at night. I fantasized about it during the day sometimes inserting the faces and bodies of friends, acquaintances and total strangers as the objects of my sexual desires in my fantasies. I was only 4 when the abuse started and continued frequently throughout my kindergarten and first grade years, until my family finally moved out of the neighborhood and away from that man. My sexual obsession and fantasies also began at that time (around age 4 or 5) after being sexually abused. It affected my teen years and the way I viewed myself and my sexuality. I began to abuse myself, and became a compulsive masturbator, as much as 5 or 6 times a day. It caused such damage that I felt like I was sexually "crosswired" even throughout my entire adult life. It has affected every friendship and relationship I ever had. And, ultimately, it affected my marriage. It (the marriage) lasted ten years, but I could never face the truth about the thing that made me different from other men. I could never speak out about it. I never told anyone how I was confused about my sexual orientation nor did I ever tell anyone about my contradictory sexual experiences which were sometimes with women and at others with men (there were so many men) and still I considered myself to be basically heterosexual. I acted out in ways that fill me with guilt and shame, so much shame. I suppose that everyone here reading this can guess that least of all I never told my wife. Reading your story here tonight has had such a positive and healing effect on me. It has made me cry so much, but it also gives me such hope. I want you to know that I am encouraged, and strengthened by your story of hope and support and healing. I have just begun therapy (I've only had 2 sessions) with a good therapist who understands male sexual abuse survivor issues. I feel that as we explore further all the events of sa in my life that have brought me to my current state, I will be able to face the reality of what happened and will begin to believe that I as a 4 year old little boy was not responsible for it happening. I am now in a long term (9 years) relationship with a woman who is loving and caring and supportive. She knows I am now in therapy and supports this. In fact she stated that she was very glad that I am finally heeding her advice to see a therapist. Obviously, she has lived with me for 9 years and has observed me in almost every situation. She recognizes that I have some serious unresolved issues which need to be worked out with a therapist. To her everloving credit she has never nagged or pushed or threatened. She is so far beyond me in so many ways -- especially in her enlightenment. I have remained mired in my own personal "dark ages" of the mind for so much of the time that we've been together. Yet she has not given up on me. Now, hopefully, she will feel that some positive things may begin to happen for us as I continue and progress through therapy. This is all good, except for one major thing that still remains to be revealed. I want so much to be able to tell her everything about my sexual victimization and how it affected my life thereafter. I want to tell her about the resultant sexual obsessiveness, and how I began acting out in various and inapropriate ways, and the guilt and the shame and all the lies of omission. I want to stop hiding and running and fearing that some one will discover the truth about me. I want to be free like you. Thank you again for sharing your story. I am so happy for you and the way it turned out for you with your wife. Like I said, it fills me with so much hope that when I do tell my fiancee (AND I KNOW I WILL, SOON)she will respond true to form, she will be loving and caring and supportive, like she always has been for me, and like you, I will have someone who can comfort me for all the things that happened to that 4 year old little boy, and I will finally begin to heal and recover my stolen life. Thank you, Kieran, for your courage. I see what your honesty and sharing has done for others as well as for me. I hope that someday I can share honestly without fear and without wanting to run and hide. And, hopefully, someone else's life can be recovered, and even better, maybe someone else's little 4 year old boy can be rescued from the hell that all we who communicate in this forum were forced to experience. Sorry, Kieran, my sobs and my tears are interfering with my thoughts and I fear I am rambling on with no further points to make. But please know this. My prayers for you, your wife and for all the brothers here(Oh! By the way, I am honored to be considered as one of your brothers, here in this place --- Thank you) are that we will be granted continual grace and courage and strength to be able to overcome our sexual victimization, and that we would be granted a strong and unified voice with the legal, medical, professional and financial power behind it to finally put an end to victimization of persons during our lifetime.
Thanks for everything you shared, Jess.


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#40462 - 02/07/03 09:00 AM Re: Last night
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
This experience affected and altered my entire childhood...My sexual obsession and fantasies also began at that time (around age 4 or 5) after being sexually abused. It affected my teen years and the way I viewed myself and my sexuality. I began to abuse myself, and became a compulsive masturbator, as much as 5 or 6 times a day. It caused such damage that I felt like I was sexually "crosswired" even throughout my entire adult life. It has affected every friendship and relationship I ever had. And, ultimately, it affected my marriage.
Jess, I relate to & empathize with you in this.

My SA began when I was 2 or 3 with incest by my mother & my father which my mother continued, sometimes bringing in female or male partners, concluding with selling me to a gay couple that raped me when I was ten.

But the affecting & altering, and ultimately the ruin, of my childhood; the early & constant sexual obsession, fantasizing & acting/numbing out; the sexual crosswiring, screwing up my brain chemicals & neural pathways; the negative impact on all my relationships; the hurtful consequences on both my very painful & thankfully brief 1st marriage, and my current 2nd marriage of 23 years to a terrific woman--in all of this & more I empathize with you a lot, my fellow survivor.

Quote:
Yet she has not given up on me...I want so much to be able to tell her everything... I want to stop hiding and running and fearing that some one will discover the truth about me. I want to be free...
Sounds kinda like my wife, who loved me unconditionally all these years, and waited over 21 years for me to tell her the truth; of course I had to remember it & know it for myself first.

Jess, the truth will make us free...

Quote:
My prayers for you, your wife and for all the brothers here(Oh! By the way, I am honored to be considered as one of your brothers, here in this place --- Thank you) are that we will be granted continual grace and courage and strength to be able to overcome our sexual victimization, and that we would be granted a strong and unified voice with the legal, medical, professional and financial power behind it to finally put an end to victimization of persons during our lifetime.
Thanks Jess. This is my prayer for you and for all of us as well. Thank you for everything you shared with us.

Victor


_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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