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#404476 - 07/23/12 01:15 PM My introduction
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Hello as for now I am gonig by Jay, Im 37 yrs old and have been married for 17 years now. These last few weeks have been rough for me seems many issues that I have been able to supress for 25 years keep boiling to the surface.I am a strong person and have never fallen apart infront of my wife until yesterday. I sat down and told her a story very similar to the hundreds ive read in these forums. She was compassionate and loving and comforted me. Im making these first few steps to help me get controll of my feelings again. I thank you all for sharing your stories. I had in the past refered to these forums as pitty parties or crybaby posts not understanding that it cant be held in forever. Suck it up has always been my mantra. A very unrealistic point of view. So again I say thank you.
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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#404479 - 07/23/12 01:26 PM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
peroperic2009 Online   content
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3617
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Jay,
welcome to Male survivor smile
I'm sorry that you have reasons to be here, anyway it is good that you started to deal with all this stuff. Just take it easy and find your pace in looking for answers, learning, sharing and healing.
We are here to give support to each other, be aware that you are not alone in all this.
It is great that your wife is supportive, that means a lot to survivor. Healing is possible!
Keep sharing with us further!
Pero
_________________________
My story

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#404486 - 07/23/12 02:16 PM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
Jay '75 I'm Scott '72. You've shown great courage to start the healing process. Welcome to our pity party. There are very few rules here so say what you will. Hardly any of us want pity (ok maybe I do a little...) most of us are here to purge. You said it, Jay. After holding it all in for 25 years its time to let go. That's what what we're here for, to hold your hair as you puke out every negative emotion you've ever bottled. But a word of advise: these first few steps will not help you get control of your feelings. You may feel an avalanche of emotion, you may feel like you've gone bonkers. That's ok. Sometimes we gotta go a little bit crazy before we can once again resume sanity. Courage gets us through. And a good therapist....
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#404497 - 07/23/12 03:53 PM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 358
Loc: Ohio
Hi Jay. Thanks for sharing your intro with us here.

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#404559 - 07/23/12 10:20 PM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Thanks guys for the welcome. Im trying to get it together. Im still comming to terms with the fact that I shared this with my wife, I left out all of the filthy details the words just couldnt leave my lips. Ive never shared this part of myself with anyone and now I feel like I have let her down . I feel like I let her in on a secret, that im not the man she thought she married. She has been nothing but supportive, its just my mind racing and my fears of what others will think getting the better of me. Now that I put it out there there are no take backs, now I have to face this crap head on and im not sure how I can. Ive always been in control and now I feel I have lost it. I dont understand why now, WHY NOW, why so many years later has this hit me so hard? As though someone took a knife and stabbed me in the chest and every few hours twists it to remind me its still there. I fear what took place so many years ago my actions during and after the abuse and ultimately how does that define who I am. as a Man A Father A Husband. Thanks for all the future support....
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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#404561 - 07/23/12 11:12 PM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3493
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Jay - welcome and well done for taking courageous and significant steps - telling your wife and joining us here. you have turned a corner. it is good that your wife is supportive. you will need her - and also the help of a trained and experienced professional will be a huge asset if you can manage that.

this part of your post sounded exactly like me - and probly many others:

***"Ive never shared this part of myself with anyone and now I feel like I have let her down . I feel like I let her in on a secret, that im not the man she thought she married. She has been nothing but supportive, its just my mind racing and my fears of what others will think getting the better of me. Now that I put it out there there are no take backs, now I have to face this crap head on and im not sure how I can. Ive always been in control and now I feel I have lost it. I dont understand why now, WHY NOW, why so many years later has this hit me so hard? As though someone took a knife and stabbed me in the chest and every few hours twists it to remind me its still there. I fear what took place so many years ago my actions during and after the abuse and ultimately how does that define who I am. as a Man A Father A Husband."***

i know what that feels like - and it ain't fun or pretty. it's likely to be a rough road ahead - but you've made it this far - you can do it. and we are here for you - to offer help, encouragement, info and support.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#404565 - 07/24/12 12:01 AM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
Hi Jay,

Welcome to the clubhouse. None of us want to be a member here, and yet we love each other as the brothers we are because here, we're not alone. You're not alone.

The repressed memories; denials of feelings; unchecked emotions and feelings of shame and guilt? You're not alone.

Yes, it's going to be hard, but for starters, count your blessings that you have a supportive spouse to help you through it. Some of us aren't so lucky.

And also, you have us. We're here for you, and we love you.

You do not to feel guilty because of what happened 25 years ago. Those are not your sins; the effects of those sins that were thrust upon you, those aren't yours to feel guilty about, either.

And you've already broken the spell of shame by telling your wife with words what happened. Shame has no power over you any more. You're the same man, father, husband you were before it was spoken. And if people know? if people *talk*? That just makes you stronger, makes the shame and guilt go away even further because they feed on silence and secrets, so when you speak it they retreat.

Your emotions will find a balance soon. Keep talking to your wife and tell her with words what you are feeling.

And when you need us, we're here too.

Jim
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#404574 - 07/24/12 01:42 AM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1353
Hi Jay,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

You ask yourself "why now?"

There are many reasons why this has come to the forefront. But the reality is, you can never keep it pushed away forever. Eventually the thoughts, feelings and memories come forth and demand that you deal with them. Perhaps your mind is letting you know that you are now able to face and deal with that which you tried to bury for so long.

It is good to hear that your wife is supportive.

You have not "let her down." Nor are you a different man than the man she married. What has changed is now she has answers for the things she might not have understood before.

You have let her in on a secret - quite possibly the biggest secret you have been carrying for many years. But it is not the secret that you may not be hte man she thought she married. It is the secret that someone (or several someones) have hurt you in ways you never should have been hurt. You have let her know that you have been shouldering this heavy burden all by yourself.

You are no longer alone and you do not have to carry that burden by yourself anymore.

The abuse(s) happened to you. It does not define you. You are more than what was done to you - so very much more. You are a man, husband and father, albeit one who has endured things no one should ever have experienced.

You do not say whether or not you are in therapy. If you feel therapy is an option, there are resources available. For help in finding a therapist please read the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping. Psychology Today has listings of therapists for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents. Some offer support groups in addition to individual therapy.

There are several books you might find useful.

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew

I am certain others will share titles they have found useful. You can find these titles, and others here at the bookstore.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in September.

Again, welcome to MS.




Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#404663 - 07/24/12 06:34 PM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Thanks again everyone greatly appreciated.......
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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#406199 - 08/08/12 10:56 AM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
I havent been able to shake it. I had hopes that my having shared this with my wife would have laid it all to rest. I tried to reinvent the abuse , by twisting its truth to better deal with the pain. It didnt help. I had hopes that if I told myself it was nothing more than sexual experimentation I could live with it....... no dice.... I feel I have no connection with myself I feel im mourning a death. Perhaps the death of my childhood. I want so bad to extend my hand to that boy and tell him its going to be ok but he cant hear me. I dont understand this projection I have of myself.. There is me as I am now and the other me a kid alone scared and waiting for me to acknowledge him. I feel guilty I left him behind as did so many others. I put all my pain on him and left never looking back until now. And there he stands waiting for me to fix it. Curious , has anyone else had issues with not identifing or not connecting with who you were when the abuse took place.... I may be one screwed up individual... -JAY
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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#406221 - 08/08/12 06:12 PM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
I am not an expert, Jay, but I would venture a guess that there are a lot of us who can identify with you. As I read your post, I could only say that what you wrote sounds so familiar and was very well put.

God bless buddy.

Jim
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Jim
Male/USA

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#406227 - 08/08/12 07:43 PM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3493
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: jay75
I feel I have no connection with myself I feel im mourning a death. Perhaps the death of my childhood. I want so bad to extend my hand to that boy and tell him its going to be ok but he cant hear me. I dont understand this projection I have of myself.. There is me as I am now and the other me a kid alone scared and waiting for me to acknowledge him. I feel guilty I left him behind as did so many others. I put all my pain on him and left never looking back until now. And there he stands waiting for me to fix it. Curious , has anyone else had issues with not identifing or not connecting with who you were when the abuse took place.... I may be one screwed up individual... -JAY


Jay - many of us have what you describe above. there is a survival technique called "dissociation" that is also a psych condition - that probly most abuse survivors have. look it up - reading about it will help understand it. it can range widely from simply feeling disconnected from your body, feelings and past events - to more extreme cases of total loss of memories for long periods of time and can even be related to what is commonly called "multiple personalities."

so yes - you are "screwed up" - understandibly so! but no - you are not alone. we survivors all are. it is a very natural response to the trauma you/we experienced.

maybe the "good news" is that you are at least aware of your lost childhood version of your self. there is a common name fot that part of your identity too - the "inner child." many guys are totally out of touch with that aspect of their past and how to relate it to theeir present state. believe it or not - some here would envy you the ability to remember exactly what happened because they have blocked it from their conscious minds and are tortured by not knowing what happened and why they are the way they are.

so - bottom line is - you are better off than you might be in the "worst case scenario." look for threads or articles or references in books about connecting with your "inner child." since you have a pretty well-defined sense of him - it may be helpful to you to get to know him/you, speak or write to him/you. it may sound wacky - i used to think so - but it has helped me in becoming more whole.

and yes - it is actually good and healthy to mourn the loss/death of your innocence and chilhood self. that is also a normal and healing process.

hang in there and keep thinking it through, reading, writing, asking questions. the guys on the forums here are a great source of strength, encouragement, info and comradeship.

All the best to you on your healing jouney,
Lee


Edited by traveler (08/08/12 07:45 PM)
Edit Reason: addition
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#406234 - 08/08/12 08:42 PM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Thanks Jim and Lee,
I cant tell you all enough how greatfull I am for everyones insight as well a all of your unfortunate past experience in fighting through all of the pain and confusion. Lee, I had for a long time written my thoughts down, it does help me work through alot. I am going to look up what the inner child it makes alot of sense. And thanks for the validation that "I am screwed up" I had suspected as much for quite sometime now....LOL
Thanks-Jay
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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#406251 - 08/09/12 12:09 AM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Originally Posted By: jay75
I feel I have no connection with myself I feel im mourning a death. Perhaps the death of my childhood.


Jay - I learned that I did in fact have a childhood. I think we all did. There were some very bad things though.

Originally Posted By: jay75
I put all my pain on him and left never looking back until now. And there he stands waiting for me to fix it. Curious , has anyone else had issues with not identifing or not connecting with who you were when the abuse took place....


I put a number of videos together. You can access many through the blog-link below. At least one video can be a bit traumatic for survivors, and its properly labeled as such. But this one has a message that I feel fits where you are now...its not traumatic in any way (unless my face scares you).

(((jay)))


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You are using 118 of the 300 allowed characters.

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#406253 - 08/09/12 12:22 AM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
I'm gonna recommend this one as well Jay. I only offer these as others say they have helped them to frame a bit of what they feel at various stages of realization.

The sound kinda sux, so you gotta crank the volume a bit.


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#406291 - 08/09/12 10:38 AM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Rob,
Thanks for the link and videos. I started watching the second one you posted first..... I couldnt get through it, but what little I did see was ... Im at a loss for words sorry.... I see to much of me in it. When I get home from work I will try again, I dont want to fall apart here, these days it seems everyting sets me off. I did check out your blog and I can tell you are a remarkably strong man and I love the superman analogy!!!
-Jay
Question... Why did a blinking yellow exclaimation point in a triangle apear on this thread? was it something I wrote?
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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#406293 - 08/09/12 10:48 AM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3493
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Jay - it means you are one popular guy!

seriously - it is only indirectly something you wrote. what it means is that more than 150 people have viewed the thread or more than 25 have replied. so - you must have written something that many people wanted to read. chances are that means that lots of others have an interest because they have something in common with you.

keep up the good work!
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#406332 - 08/09/12 09:00 PM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Thanks Lee,
I was afraid I crossed a line and it was a warning. Im not to familiar with all the rules as of yet. Well it made me re-read the guidelines just to make sure.....
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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#406416 - 08/10/12 04:03 PM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Forgive the chuckle, Jay, but you just hit on that "it's MY fault" feeling which I've experienced in a variety of situations in my life when whateveritis is clearly NOT my fault.

As I've said a few times in the few weeks I've been here, none of us is glad to be here, but glad you found us.

A couple things struck me. One is that you're dealing with this in your 30s instead of your 50s...and, well, I'm a bit envious.

Second, that you had the courage to share it with your wife. It's a kind of intimacy I'd speculate many of us have not had in our lives...or only rarely.

Twisting the truth, not connecting, etc., yeppers. Though I'd known of my own abuse for years, it didn't really connect to anything about my life until the testimony of the Sandusky victims - flood of emotions - and then the Freeh report on PSU. Past couple of months have been quite a ride.

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#406429 - 08/10/12 08:02 PM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Originally Posted By: jay75

Question... Why did a blinking yellow exclaimation point in a triangle apear on this thread? was it something I wrote?


K....they're not telling you the full truth. If you get that blinking flaming little thing on yer post...it means you've "been volunteered" to bring ALL the coffee and ALL the donuts for the following week.
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You are using 118 of the 300 allowed characters.

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#436049 - 05/28/13 07:30 AM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
StrugglingGuy Offline


Registered: 05/20/13
Posts: 48
Loc: Canada
HI Jay:

You are not alone in your analogy. I too am very much an 11 year old Boy inside. I'm working on releasing that little Boy and telling him its ok.. you can go play now. I often too want to go back and save him.. especially the little guy who was beaten daily for wetting the bed, among other trivial things.

Don't feel guilty for leaving him behind. You've acknowledged his existence and he lives on through you now. Now's the time to help that little Boy. He will always be a part of you, and there's nothing wrong with that. Embrace the good memories of your youth, and deal with the bad ones through talking with others.

Hang in there Bud. Thing's can only get better.

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#442005 - 07/24/13 10:15 AM Re: My introduction [Re: jay75]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Hey Jay,

Take a deep breath bro. its going to be ok. Its hard to do but your going to need to take a step back, refocus and lean on those willing to help. I can honestly tell you it does get better, it will be a rough road filled with doubt self hate lonliness and confusion, but you will get through it i promise. Its been a rough year for me bro I am no where near where I need to be, but I am here none the less. I can see many more tomorrows, im sure many more bumps in the road will be along my path but for you, know it can and will get better. Be true to who you are, were and who you will become those who love you will stay by your side. And above all else remember, you are worth the struggle.

-Jay-
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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