I am not an expert, Jay, but I would venture a guess that there are a lot of us who can identify with you. As I read your post, I could only say that what you wrote sounds so familiar and was very well put.

God bless buddy.

Jim

Jay - many of us have what you describe above. there is a survival technique called "dissociation" that is also a psych condition - that probly most abuse survivors have. look it up - reading about it will help understand it. it can range widely from simply feeling disconnected from your body, feelings and past events - to more extreme cases of total loss of memories for long periods of time and can even be related to what is commonly called "multiple personalities."

so yes - you are "screwed up" - understandibly so! but no - you are not alone. we survivors all are. it is a very natural response to the trauma you/we experienced.

maybe the "good news" is that you are at least aware of your lost childhood version of your self. there is a common name fot that part of your identity too - the "inner child." many guys are totally out of touch with that aspect of their past and how to relate it to theeir present state. believe it or not - some here would envy you the ability to remember exactly what happened because they have blocked it from their conscious minds and are tortured by not knowing what happened and why they are the way they are.

so - bottom line is - you are better off than you might be in the "worst case scenario." look for threads or articles or references in books about connecting with your "inner child." since you have a pretty well-defined sense of him - it may be helpful to you to get to know him/you, speak or write to him/you. it may sound wacky - i used to think so - but it has helped me in becoming more whole.

and yes - it is actually good and healthy to mourn the loss/death of your innocence and chilhood self. that is also a normal and healing process.

hang in there and keep thinking it through, reading, writing, asking questions. the guys on the forums here are a great source of strength, encouragement, info and comradeship.

All the best to you on your healing jouney,
Lee

Thanks Jim and Lee,
I cant tell you all enough how greatfull I am for everyones insight as well a all of your unfortunate past experience in fighting through all of the pain and confusion. Lee, I had for a long time written my thoughts down, it does help me work through alot. I am going to look up what the inner child it makes alot of sense. And thanks for the validation that "I am screwed up" I had suspected as much for quite sometime now....LOL
Thanks-Jay

Jay - I learned that I did in fact have a childhood. I think we all did. There were some very bad things though.



I put a number of videos together. You can access many through the blog-link below. At least one video can be a bit traumatic for survivors, and its properly labeled as such. But this one has a message that I feel fits where you are now...its not traumatic in any way (unless my face scares you).

(((jay)))

I'm gonna recommend this one as well Jay. I only offer these as others say they have helped them to frame a bit of what they feel at various stages of realization.

The sound kinda sux, so you gotta crank the volume a bit.

Rob,
Thanks for the link and videos. I started watching the second one you posted first..... I couldnt get through it, but what little I did see was ... Im at a loss for words sorry.... I see to much of me in it. When I get home from work I will try again, I dont want to fall apart here, these days it seems everyting sets me off. I did check out your blog and I can tell you are a remarkably strong man and I love the superman analogy!!!
-Jay
Question... Why did a blinking yellow exclaimation point in a triangle apear on this thread? was it something I wrote?

Jay - it means you are one popular guy!

seriously - it is only indirectly something you wrote. what it means is that more than 150 people have viewed the thread or more than 25 have replied. so - you must have written something that many people wanted to read. chances are that means that lots of others have an interest because they have something in common with you.

keep up the good work!
Lee

Thanks Lee,
I was afraid I crossed a line and it was a warning. Im not to familiar with all the rules as of yet. Well it made me re-read the guidelines just to make sure.....

Forgive the chuckle, Jay, but you just hit on that "it's MY fault" feeling which I've experienced in a variety of situations in my life when whateveritis is clearly NOT my fault.

As I've said a few times in the few weeks I've been here, none of us is glad to be here, but glad you found us.

A couple things struck me. One is that you're dealing with this in your 30s instead of your 50s...and, well, I'm a bit envious.

Second, that you had the courage to share it with your wife. It's a kind of intimacy I'd speculate many of us have not had in our lives...or only rarely.

Twisting the truth, not connecting, etc., yeppers. Though I'd known of my own abuse for years, it didn't really connect to anything about my life until the testimony of the Sandusky victims - flood of emotions - and then the Freeh report on PSU. Past couple of months have been quite a ride.

K....they're not telling you the full truth. If you get that blinking flaming little thing on yer post...it means you've "been volunteered" to bring ALL the coffee and ALL the donuts for the following week.