From time to time, the doubt of whether my experiences with my brother were abuse are not come back. It would be one thing if it was clear cut me being forced to do it versus allegedly coerced into doing it. I was 13 (he was 16) I wasn't 8 or 9 and to be honest I really don't have very detailed memories. I don't know what to think. What can I do to get this doubt to stop popping up. This is what is so difficult, you think you've past something and it keeps coming up again.

Hi onlyakid

Its a rough one. What saw me through was when I had my daughter. I looked at it and imagined that my perps would do that to her, That made me freak out.
Imagine that you have children, and someone tries to do that to them, what would you feel? What would you do?

I hope that this gives you a different perspective.

Heal well
Martin

Hey onlyakid,

We keep processing the abuse, we keep reasoning on it as the real trauma it is, we strive to understand that this is something we did not want to happen to our bodies, to our spirit. We keep recovering. There will be emotions that make it difficult to determine the abuse, but we stay the course. The questions will find their own answers, and you will become comfortable with the resolutions.

Keep asking.
Keep researching.
Keep recovering, all the while praising that 13 year old for surviving. Make sure he knows I am proud of him, tell him for me, will ya?

It may not always feel good, but soon, it will feel done,
Sam

I think Martin is right on this one. I remember when I was about 21 or so, I considdered suing the counsel and the school where everything happened, just to get an appology from them. this was probably the closest I came to recovery before my crash in 2007 though in the end I decided not to, sinse the lawyer I spoke to was extremely dismissive, (he claimed that sinse my abuse had had no financial affect on me being that I'd gone to university, I had no claime in law), and given that most of the staff had changed, whether any appology would be from the people involved is doubtfull, just a standard corporate letter from a government institution.

the one experience I do remember at that point was telling the lawyer. As usual when I talked about my abuse, I became cold, clinical and utterly distant, describing in detail but with the ttone and accuracy of a science report. Yet, as my mouth and brain spoke these things, something rather hit me. If someone else! had been saying them, I'd be extremely angry and upset on their behalf, and overcome with empathy. It would be a terrible story I'd not wish to here, and something I'd really want to help with.

to me, it was normal, part of my past, and something I didn't really considder, but to someone else it would be utterly different.

Whenever I doubt the abuse was really that bad, start to think it wasn't major or that I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill I look back on that disclosure and imagine it was someone else, and what the impact would've been for them!

Perhaps you could considder yourself, if someone else! told your story, what would you say to them?

Well, all I can add is when you figure it out about what to do about the doubt, let me know please.

It can be disorienting, but sometimes I just have to trust the feelings and not give my head the space to try and think things through if I'm in that doubting space after all I've ever gone through.

Not sure if you can relate to that, but that's my experience that gets me through without too much disruption.

Onlyakid,

I probably can't give you the best advice. Certainly not the advice of someone that's recovered. Here's what meagerness I humbly offer you:

I was in a similar situation as you, with my brother and sister. I have the same opinion of my ten year-old self that you have of your 13 year-old self. "Why didn't I stop it? I knew better." But of the memories that aren't repressed, I think to myself, "How did I know my part in the act? Why *did* I go along?" In my clearest memories, I don't remember anyone explaining what to do or how. I just remember myself not questioning and cooperating.

But from my adult experiences I understand that doesn't come easily. It's indoctrination, it's conditioning developed over time. Years after my first flashbacks, I started remembering a time even earlier when I was five. It’s clouded, but I know it’s around that age that I was first exposed. I still don't remember how it was rationalized to me, if it was, or if it was just a matter of obeying. But that doesn't matter.

What matters is that clearly I had to have been forced through someone else's authority; through manipulation of my unguarded, child mind. It was very important for me to understand how. The person I feel like now is not at all the person that would do that. Such a conflict of identities!

Thinking like that I fail myself, my “logic” betrays me – I am not that person and I cannot replace the child I was, with the man I am now. It is not right to allow the man you are now, to judge the child you were. The person you were yesterday is not the person you are today. That person doesn’t even exist anymore.

Later, when no one’s here for me and I stare out at stranger’s faces and the only arms that hold me up are my own, the doubt starts to take hold – one tentacle at a time. So what, if even in the smallest of ways, I was willing? If - if! - I made a mistake willingly, I will not make it again! I will not be defeated! I have clarity of mind now and all the might and fury of my will power is here, within MY hands. So try again if you like, betrayer playing with my fate, but this time you face no child! A man stands in his place and he’d rather cut his own thread before ever be compromised again.

I hope this wasn’t overly dramatic, but it is how I feel. I hope it helped.
Strength and honor.

- Diogenes

onlyakid:

I agree with Diogenes. None of us should blame ourselves for not reacting to sexual coercion at age 6, 8, 9, or 13 the way we would react now. Whatever we did at the time was all we could do.

Peace!

John

onlyakid,

I had to be told that I was raped. I had to be told that it wasn't consensual. I thought that because we were the same age. I thought that because I was told that I wanted it. I thought that because the people who wanted to have sex with me when I was a kid knew that by lying to me they could get me to agree to it.

I today know the truth. I know that no matter what anyone else says, sex wasn't my idea, nor was it consensual. The fact that I still seek to end it's harmful effects on my life today at 44 is quite enough evidence that it harmed me.

The ages of the people don't really affect me nearly as much as realizing that my brother used me for his own sexual gratification. I didn't realize it for a long time, but that is what happened.

G.

I still have doubts pop up after more than a year of therapy. You did the best you could at the time and like others have said you can't compare how a child reacts to how an adult does. It's something I've had to beat into my head because I spent so long feeling ashamed and embarrassed, blaming myself, thinking why didn't I stop it right away.