thanks, Pero & Newground.
Pero - i am very touched that you would want to give me that gift. no - i don't want it any more. in fact, when i grew up and got married i didn't want to have children for years because i guess i realized that you can't fully protect anyone. fortunately, i think that once we did have kids, we were able to keep them relatively safe - i think. i don't know if i will ever be completely sure - no matter what they say.
i now think my younger self had the right instincts - and was probably trying to protect himself/myself symbolically. but was equally helpless to protect either the out-of-reach doll - or himself/myself. i was wise enough even then to know that to even hint at that wish would have brought even more abuse and persecution down on me.
They have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but they have not gained the victory over me.
Plowmen have plowed my back and made their furrows long.
But the Lord is righteous; he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked.