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#403918 - 07/17/12 07:25 PM So happy to be here! :D
CrunkDrac Offline


Registered: 07/17/12
Posts: 6
I have been struggling with this for my entire fucking life! Well, at least since I was 9! Now I know for a fact that I am not alone! I have read some of your stories and I know what we have been through has been painful, but now I have even more hope knowing that we're all in this together! "I want to be touched and loved on... I DON'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED AND LOVED ON!" Its terrible! Write me guys! I want to get through this shit as fast as possible so that I can become healthy and happy! laugh I watched some porn the other day and it made me feel like I had been molested yesterday. I felt so icky and scared that I bitched about it on facebook. This site will be better. YOU ALL KNOW WHERE I'M COMING FROM! Sometimes I attack people for touching me without permission. I used to train as a fighter, so this is bad. I don't know why people want to touch you when you say you don't want to be touched. Silly boys. Counseling is so expensive. I hope to learn a lot from the rest of you. Take care! Write soon!

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#403920 - 07/17/12 08:17 PM Re: So happy to be here! :D [Re: CrunkDrac]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3320
Loc: back in the USA
CD -

Welcome! You are among friends.
yeah - fortunately for you, we get it. unfortunately for all of us, we get it.

the touch thing is hard for many of us. i get really creeped out at unexpected touch too. ok if i initiate it. i'm just getting to the point where i can be touched by my wife without flinching and recoiling. awkward and painful for both of us.

stick with the effort to heal and it will get better. read and write as much as you can without getting burned out or triggered. lots of good resources and links here. and the interaction with other survivors in an incredible encouragement and help. if you can manage it - a therapist with experience in abuse issues is likely to help a lot.

thanks for joining us. strength in numbers!
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#403924 - 07/17/12 09:10 PM Re: So happy to be here! :D [Re: CrunkDrac]
chambers Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
I'm not a fan of people touching me either, I have to fight the urge to jump and recoil away. I can handle dating wise but anywhere else and I'm fighting to not pull away. Good luck.

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#403925 - 07/17/12 09:10 PM Re: So happy to be here! :D [Re: CrunkDrac]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1285
Welcome to the brotherhood. Some say it is a sad brotherhood - and it is, but I also see it as resurrecting. I have worked through a lot with the help of others here, and am better for it.

Quote:
I want to get through this shit as fast as possible...

Change fast to thoroughly and I'll bet you'll get a lot further wink .
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#403938 - 07/18/12 03:29 AM Re: So happy to be here! :D [Re: CrunkDrac]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1341
Hi CrunkDrac,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

Like Eric said, change "fast" to "thoroughly" and you will get a lot further.

We all want to get through this "fast." The cold hard truth is that it takes as long as it takes. One of the things we have to learn is to be patient with ourselves.

I know therapy is expensive. Buf if you decide that therapy is an option, there are several resources available. For help in finding a therapist please read the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping. Psychology Today has listings of therapists for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents. Some offer support groups in addition to individual therapy.

There are several books you might find useful.

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew

I am certain others will share titles they have found useful. You can find these titles, and others here at the bookstore.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in September.

Again, welcome to MS.




Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#403939 - 07/18/12 03:59 AM Re: So happy to be here! :D [Re: CrunkDrac]
Napoleon Offline


Registered: 04/06/11
Posts: 166
Loc: Utah
I would be much happier to not have a reason to be here… , but I am happy to have a place where I can talk to other abuse victims.

I don’t like to be touched… This whole experience started after a roommate who had raped his girl friend tried to put his arm around me and I knocked it away. The next day we got into a fight and touched me again, I am a veteran…I almost went to jail over it… And the flash backs and body memories of what happened at 8 began…

A few years ago I would not even let my mom hug me… Today, I rarely even let family hug me… The weirdest part is that I started experiencing a whole new set of flash backs of what happened at 17 just started a few months ago. It took years for me to work though the first set… and yet lately, I crave to have someone to hold…

And the whole porn thing… My sexual desires got messed up… Sexual desires diminish or just go away… But return… It may take some time... give yourself time to heal…
_________________________
“Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.” Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.

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#403966 - 07/18/12 01:21 PM Re: So happy to be here! :D [Re: CrunkDrac]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1556
I think we all would be happier not to have a reason to be here. Like you said the forum is very helpful. I understand the touch issue and setting off triggers and the body memories. In my case it was spit, doors being kicked in and having figures pointed in my face and words flying from the mouth of those around me that would set off the flashbacks and body memories. The whole sex thing is messed up, as many have written it confuses us as to who we are, we question did we enjoy it, we pull back from intimacy because it is painful and we do not feel, we act out it messes us up. Once we begin to heal we better understand ourselves. In support I have heard many stories about sexual confusion and their journey to find their sexual identity--others act out with one or both sexes, not knowing why--no emotion, no attachment, just doing it because it might take away the pain and help one learn who they are. But it does not take the pain away or bring closure to the abuse or help the abused understand who they are--it just prolongs the confusion. Many find out who they are and learn why they act out. In the end, the hope is that the person finds who they are. I have learned the acts alone do not define their sexuality--sexuality is far deeper, it is what brings joy, pleasure and a feeling of connection. Many speak of no connection to either sex, just the act believing if they could enjoy it, the pain would go away and they would be in control of the abuse.

With this being said, I believe we are robbed of feeling and enjoying intimacy, we see it as holding us captive like our abuser. Healing allows us to want and accept intimacy without having the flashbacks or body memories. Glad to hear I am not alone in this confusion, which I must admit, the cloud has been lifting and I know what I want in the future--

Everyone keep going and heal.


Edited by KMCINVA (07/18/12 02:12 PM)

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#403970 - 07/18/12 02:28 PM Re: So happy to be here! :D [Re: CrunkDrac]
CrunkDrac Offline


Registered: 07/17/12
Posts: 6
I think I just cried a little. frown I do look forward to the day that I can accept intimacy without flinching. When we prioritize our goals we can reach them. I've had many problems growing up and I've faced every one of them. I had forgotten about being sexually abused. Literally forgotten that it ever happened. I was reminded by an acquaintance of mine. He saw a book that I had called 10 Days to Self Esteem. He then said, "There's no reason for you to have LSE. If you feel bad about something, you should just go have sex." I felt mad enough to break his jaw. But I realized his ignorance wasn't the problem. I had never faced my abuse. I had never mourned my own loss of innocence. Here I am now, with people that understand me. I've recently opened up to many of my friends about it. Its strange how people with no idea what you're going through have all the answers for you. I did get my hands on the book, Victims No Longer. I've been reading through it. Yesterday was rough. I didn't have the strength to read it. Now I feel strong again. I'm ready to give it another go.

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#403971 - 07/18/12 02:36 PM Re: So happy to be here! :D [Re: CrunkDrac]
CrunkDrac Offline


Registered: 07/17/12
Posts: 6
I'm a very goal oriented person. Because I don't know exactly how long it will take to get through this, I like to rush into whatever it will take to change. I'm not afraid of crying or raging. And I know that somedays I will feel fragile and small. But I think that's okay too. I'm more than a little excited about facing this challenge. Even though what happened to us was shitty, I think that the tears we cry are beautiful. Because we believe in something better, I know we'll get better.

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#403980 - 07/18/12 04:36 PM Re: So happy to be here! :D [Re: CrunkDrac]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1285
Originally Posted By: CrunkDrac
I'm a very goal oriented person. Because I don't know exactly how long it will take to get through this, I like to rush into whatever it will take to change. I'm not afraid of crying or raging. And I know that somedays I will feel fragile and small. But I think that's okay too. I'm more than a little excited about facing this challenge. Even though what happened to us was shitty, I think that the tears we cry are beautiful. Because we believe in something better, I know we'll get better.

Precisely.

I'm very goal-oriented, too. But for me this path is not so much about an objective as it is about the journey itself. I guess I'm spending too much time on the trail, fascinated, fully immersed in a wondrous voyage of self-discovery. Recovery is not an end-point for me but a continuing process. I'm damaged goods. I suppose we all are. But at least I understand myself better - I know my weaknesses and limitations as well as my strengths - and in that sense I feel a greater sense of self-ownership. I don't feel as lost in my own skin as I used to.

I think I once thought of recovery as being in a state that effectively erases or neutralizes the trauma - as if "recovered" means I'm as functional and psychically healthy as one who never experienced CSA. I know now that - for me at least - that's a myth.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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