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#403953 - 07/18/12 08:36 AM Moments of Anger - How to Manage?
Haps Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
Today's a very rough day in terms of realizing my needs aren't being met. Long story short, I got my hopes up based on an agreement my P mad and then forgot about. It became hard to just forget about it and move on. It feels like the massive snowball of hurt is rearing its head again. I'm quite tired of being mad and hurt right now, but I can't shake this. Things escalated, an argument ensued, and all the hurt and pain I've felt has come rushing back. I don't want to feel thus way any more. I know this really isn't about me, but it's hard not to take it personally.

Do some CSA survivors distort and manipulate the situation so they don't have to deal with the guilt of hurting anyone? I feel like I'm a bit crazy in my thinking right now, yet I know this isn't all me. It can't be.

Thoughts anyone???

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#403960 - 07/18/12 10:32 AM Re: Moments of Anger - How to Manage? [Re: Haps]
Haps Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
Being held emotional hostage. That's the best was I'd describe it right now. :-/

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#403978 - 07/18/12 04:20 PM Re: Moments of Anger - How to Manage? [Re: Haps]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
oh, ya. We're ALL distorted in our thinking. That's the disease of sexual abuse in a nutshell, deeply distorted thinking. That's why therapy is so important. It allows us to ID and dismantle those lies we so firmly believe. In the meantime we're so busy feeling worthless and beating ourselves up inside we can't see the harm we're causing. But c'mon Haps. In your short time here you've read enough posts to realize what we're gonna say:

Articulate clear boudaries, make the consequences of hurtful behavior explicit your partner, stick to your commitment to demand respect and stand up for your own sanity. No one deserves to be treated like a doormat. Being supportive does not include absorbing abuse.

Remember: it's not all about him. Your feelings are just as important as anyone else's. If you devalue yourself and your needs then you will fall into a dysfunctional relationship that's governed by the destructive cycles of the abuse victim. That helps no one. You're not crazy. You're an agent of sanity within a crazy circumstance, so the juxtaposition makes you look like the one who's nuts.

Feel free to PM me if you wish.

-Scott
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#403996 - 07/18/12 07:26 PM Re: Moments of Anger - How to Manage? [Re: Haps]
Haps Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
Scott - thanks for the reply. Agent of sanity... I like that. Especially in a rough day like today.

I realize that I'm trying to change him. Repeating over and over where I'm coming from HOPING that something will click with him. I guess this is one of those "steps back" days in my own recovery.

Probably hanging my hat on hope a bit too heavily here, but is there any chance he heard what I said? I shared some stuff about how my T and I discussed his attitude and actions. He asked what else she said, and I let him know a few other things about how I'm not insane - just staying in the line of fire, manipulation, and misplaced anger/blame. Then.... Nothing. Crickets. I must have run through my slogans 900 times in the silence. Then, he'll say "I don't understand why... Yada yada." At least I thought I explained it. :-/

So, more Al-Anon/Codependent work, or is there a darn good book that can help me not take this personally?

Yep... Tough slide back today. Tomorrow is a fresh day, though, and I'm looking forward to it!

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#403997 - 07/18/12 07:51 PM Re: Moments of Anger - How to Manage? [Re: Haps]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
The first book that I always recommend to everyone who asks is Geek Love by Katherine Dunn
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#404002 - 07/18/12 08:22 PM Re: Moments of Anger - How to Manage? [Re: Haps]
Haps Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
Hmmm... A bit different than what I expected by the description. Why the recommendation? smile

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#404005 - 07/18/12 08:34 PM Re: Moments of Anger - How to Manage? [Re: Haps]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
It's no good to dwell on these issues we discuss here 24/7. I know I certainly over-think and obsess. It's good to get out of your head and focus on someone else's freakish problems once in a while. It's a book about accepting and imbracing our quirks and fnding acceptance in a judgemental world and quietly sacrificing for the good of the family. Plus it really weird, so I like that.
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#404027 - 07/18/12 10:52 PM Re: Moments of Anger - How to Manage? [Re: Haps]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
Haps, for me the struggle is where to put the anger. I phrase it like that because it feels like a hot ball of air or something inside of me. I don't know where to put it. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know how to make it go away. It sucks the life out of me. I think if I did something physical like swim or run, it might shrink, but it is hard for me to do those things without lots of planning ahead.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#404036 - 07/19/12 12:20 AM Re: Moments of Anger - How to Manage? [Re: Haps]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 698
Loc: NJ
Our anger sucks...

Try seeking the actual source of the anger. Sometimes that helps me. Sometimes I am angry at myself - or sometimes I am angry about the manipulation more than the situation. I posted this article before but it was eye opening for me.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evol...essive-behavior

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#404052 - 07/19/12 06:22 AM Re: Moments of Anger - How to Manage? [Re: Haps]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Do some CSA survivors distort and manipulate the situation so they don't have to deal with the guilt of hurting anyone? I feel like I'm a bit crazy in my thinking right now, yet I know this isn't all me. It can't be.

Thoughts anyone???

Well hell yes we do, Our lives revolve around manipulation. We blame everything and everyone besides ourselves.
Does this sound familiar?
I told you not to do this, now I am doing X and it is all your fault, why don't you just listen?

The second place you are wrong is
"I know this really isn't about me, but it's hard not to take it personally."
This is about you, if you cant be happy then your life will be a mess. You cannot control his feelings an pain but, you can control yours. Deal with the things you can control and leave the things you cant.
Imagine if he has a rant, and you listen and dont take it personally. When he is done, you calmly turn around and say "feel better now" and walk away. You have given him the ability to rant but don't ever take it personally, it is not your fault, it is not your problem.
Sounds dumb to say it is not your problem because you live with him, but it is not your fault that he doesnt want to deal with his past, it is not your fault that he is always angry.
Learn to live your life in conjunction with his, not because of his. Live life on life's terms FOR YOURSELF, go out because you want to go out, invite friends around because you want to. If he doesnt want to get involved in the joy of living, then you do it in spite of him, carry on, live life and enjoy.
YOU ARE NOT A DOORMAT OR HIS WHIPPING POST. It is not your fault tht this had happened to him.

Hope you draw strength and courage from this.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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