Wife of victim, hopefully survivor one day.

Lost in this world of abuse with him.

Need clarity, answers, and understanding.

Hope I can find a home here.

Is there real joy out there ?

Hi Havenlost, welcome to Male survivor.
I'm sorry that we meet here at this place. Your husband must be survivor obviously (not victim?); and that word doesn't bring just positive outcome. Unfortunately many times spouses are those who are aware fully of these words
I hope you'll find some additional support here and maybe new energy that could drag your husband into recovery. Maybe you could find way to share with him information about this place that could be more than helpful for him.
Please feel at home here!

Pero

I am also the wife of a survivor. I am new to this too, so the only thing I know to say is welcome, explore the sight. It helps a lot just to read that other people are going through the some of the same things as you. You are not alone in this. The partners here are really helpful.

peroperic2009.....I called my husband a victim because someone on here said that if he is not in recovery, then he still is in victim mode. I tend to think if you lived through the abuse then you are a survivor, but I certainly don't want to diminish anyone's pain here. I feel it intensely. I myself feel like a victim, because he has turned his abuse into abuser, and that is even harder to understand. I guess there were only two choices he could make, protect anyone who ever entered his life from what he went through, or get angry and punish everyone that crossed his path with even more abuse. Unfortunately, my husband chose the destruction route.

I know I don't have to stay stuck in this mess, but I came from a family where my Dad adored my Mom, and divorce was never a word I even knew existed. I also just want to see him be happy in his life. Even if he weren't my husband, I would want that. I want that for everyone.

Thank you for your welcome. It means alot.

alw72....Sorry that you are also in the same boat. Maybe one day soon our boat will turn into a beautiful yacht and we will feel the sun shine on our faces, and the wind breeze through our hair, and sail off into the sunset where bliss resides. Oh, but I wish it for all of us.


lostpartner32....I wish the same dream for you.

Thank you both for your welcome. Hopefully we can help each other.

The moment I told someone what happened I became a Survivor but it took just over four years to feel and act like one.

I never let anyone tell me who or what I am.

It is difficult to live, work and play with survivors who have not overcome the past.

Check out Secondary Victims of sexual abuse.
Blessings
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Yes I said that in order to draw a distinction between positive choices and destructive choices. We are all survivors, to be sure. But many of us (myself included) still behave with a victim's mentality. Hiding feelings, refusing to face issues, allowing things to happen to us -therse are the behaviors of victimization that as a survivor I am trying to overcome.

I must disagree with your characterization that your husband has made a conscious choice to abuse. We've shared a lot, you and I, so I feel like you will not hate me for calling bullshit on this particular point. Your dichotomy is false in my experience. I was abusive not because I chose to be. My choice was to ignore the root of my pain. The side-effect of that choice is that I descended into abusive behaviors with the people who loved me. Did I realize I was hurtful to my wife and daughter, yes after the fact. But in the throes of the deep agony that stabbed me to my soul, I had no idea that my acting out was so destructive to others. Again, like a victim I was simply reacting. Those emotional reactions created a ripple of pain that is becoming clear to me only now.

-Scott